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Friday, September 30, 2011

Heartfire

I once thought that if I did the ‘right’ things and made what I deemed to be the best choices – that life would be rosy and joyful. I would be loved and live peacefully with others having nary a care in the world except how to best exude the proper way to live as clearly evidenced from my esteemed pedestal. Yes, pride has been one of my besetting sins and God has given me ample opportunities to be humbled. Early, I learned that isn’t exactly the way things worked. I adjusted my perspective and a bit of the sheen from my life dream dimmed a bit. My glow waned even more when people I loved disappointed me. It almost disappeared when my efforts didn’t produce results that I desired.

I feel like that glow is now just a fragile, flickering candle that is easily squashed. As a single mother, I have many opportunities to pour out, but there is little that is being poured into me. The truth is, I often feel empty and then falter in being the best for those who depend on me. I need to learn how to let our Lord fill my tank, to take good care of myself and not look for others to do it.

Being tired and just a bit discouraged is part of this life sometimes. One of the most helpful things someone has said to me is that I won’t feel the way I do now forever. I’m working on that now. Soon my little light will ignite into a more steady flame. I look forward to the days of burning brightly once again!

Update: After a fantastic night with fun friends, my cup is fuller.  Coparenting is challenging, but it also gives me a bit of time to do things that make me happy.  I'm feeling full of joy and looking forward to when my children arrive back home!