In our culture -- where love is so conditional and measured by clicks and likes or the fickle connections of social media -- our teenagers are desperate for the steady, dependable love of a parent who will walk them through the hills and valleys of adolescence.
I know you love your teen, but how can we be sure that he or she feels that love? These are some ways learned how to get the message into their hearts:
Relieve. The pressures of teen life are real and intense. There is no break from the academic standards or social pressures. Yes, you’re going to need to have some basic rules and requirements, but it must be cushioned with grace and acceptance. Work together to tackle a disastrous room. Create a strategy to complete the heavy school load. Build margin into the schedule so that there is space for downtime.
Observe. When my teens can be confident they are cared for, they feel loved and safe. This means that we stock the food they like. We align with them in overcoming obstacles like acne or ACT goals. When you make what is important to them just as important to you, you are demonstrating your love. Sometimes this looks like getting help for a tricky subject (I can recommend a fabulous math tutor!); other times, it means noticing when one needs jeans or new socks.
Release. Do not be a dictator to your teen because that will backfire by watching your teen withdraw from you. More than ever it’s time to work with your teens to establish boundaries and consequences, so be ready to explain your thoughts and what you see as working and not. You still get to set the rules and teens still try to be more independent. Instead of demands, offer suggestions and give lots of chances for your teen to succeed. When consequences are necessary, be clear in communicating how trust (and privileges) can be reestablished.
Encourage. Teens want to be respected. Teach them what traits are admirable and freely give privileges that allow those characteristics to shine. Catch him or her doing the right thing and really share how much you appreciate it. Apologize when you lose your temper and be quick to let go when emotions overpower logic -- it happens to all of us. Teach them by showing grace so they can be gentle to themselves, too.
Love well. One of my teens wants me to buy Takis every week and another one wants protein powder. Sometimes they want me to come into their room with lots of hugs and chatting. Most of the time they want their space and privacy. I try to be available for both. Often, getting their favorite treat or just an extra hour at curfew is the best way to remind them I am on their side. Notice what your particular teenager enjoys and indulge every now and then.
My love is not conditional on their behavior or mood. I remind each of them that I am here for them and am their biggest fan. I’ve had to work at not reacting to the dramatic swing of teenage emotions and finding ways to connect as their activities have changed. It’s exhausting and empowering as it reveals my own shortcomings and helps me grow. But the great work of loving is rewarded with connected relationships that let my teens know love is lasting. It’s not fickle or unpredictable. It’s steady, dependable and solid in their changing world. It goes deep and anchors each one to the family and to what will remain when the tumultuous teen years are in the rear view.
Pro tip: Make a mental date with your teen, but don’t tell him/her. Just once a week (or once a month, or whatever works for you) go get a coffee or drive through Sonic just the two of you. Keep showing up every day, just like you have all their life. The awkward bodies, changing voices and bizarre outfits switch on the regular, but your dependable love will see them through.
