Facing Forward When Encountering All the "Lasts"

Senior Night for 2021 Football

I can focus on the lasts, and the loss, or I can face forward and focus on the future.

I once read that, "You never know when it's the last...time rocking a little one sleep or washing a child's hair.  But by the time you arrive at grade twelve and senior year, the lasts really start to stack together.  From the last first day of high school to the last football game and the last senior photos, it is a grueling march of one last event to the next.  

We face the last prom, the last lunch packed and the last day of class followed by that climax of graduation.  I've become a bit obsessed with looking back at photos from the time before my son was in school every day and got to stay home with me.  I remember that season with such sweetness.  Our world was small and contained and known.  

Preschool Graduation, 2009

Now the world is wide open to my senior-son.  It's a success story when he no longer needs me to navigate his way or even to make a meal.  His independence is my job- review and statement of "well done."  Although I'll always be a part of his life, he is now forever independent, which is a bittersweet victory.  I'm so grateful for the gift it has been to raise him for 18 years.  No privilege has been as rewarding as having a front row seat to his growth. 

Lasts are hard.  But firsts are exciting and fresh - it's the perspective that my guy is experiencing as his life moves forward.  My senior-son cannot wait to take his first trip without a parent or chaperone.  He's excited about the college dorm five hours from home and the world that will expand just for him.  He's dreaming about a future with all the optimism of unburdened youth.  It's a perspective that I want to share.   

Senior Photos

Yes, I'm sad about the things that are changing and I miss seasons we've shared together.  And yet I have to remember that graduation isn't the end of our relationship.  It's fun to be able to talk about anything and everything together.  It's rewarding to meet the friends and significant other that he brings to our home.  How gratifying to see him embrace many of the values we sought to instill!

In our blended family, I have stepdaughters who have given me a front-row seat to the way things shift and move into new seasons.  I've watched my husband struggle with missing his girls, then find new footing as their relationship deepens into maturity.  The love and respect for him is even greater than it was when they lived under our roof.  The adult relationship is unique and special.

My son's firsts are marked by my lasts.  I can focus on the lasts, and the loss, or I can face forward and focus on the future.  There are still so many things to experience with my firstborn.  The possibilities ahead are endless and you can be sure I'll be by his side setting up that dorm room. 

Don't Quit! Spring Ahead to Finish the School Year Well

Like us, you might be wrapping up spring break and it's been so nice to get out of the rut and routine of a rigid school schedule.  The thought of returning to alarms and deadlines isn't fun or welcome, but here we go.

With spring weather and spring sports, there are lots of distractions from the the assignments and standardized tests facing our students.  How can we help them stay on track to finish the school year strong?

Work Consistently. This one commitment will save yourself so much stress and turmoil.  Often there are long-term projects that will be due toward the end of the school year.  It's so easy to put of the work but don't let that happen to your student.  The weight of stress that will be carried isn't worth the price of procrastination!

Prioritize. It won't take long to find out what is going to come easily and what will require more attention. It won't take long to realize that there is so much happening between now and the end of the school year that not everything can get our attention.  Determine what is most important and what projects/grades need the most focus.  A quiz tomorrow might not carry as much weight as an ongoing project that could be initiated now.  

Enlist Support Early. When you begin early, you will identify areas that demand extra support.  It may look like formal tutoring, or it may simply finding an online game. Where you need help, go ahead and get the support in line so that you can access the best resources.

Take Breaks. Once you have established that you are working regularly, found support where needed and have gained momentum, then you are free to take a breaks.  Plan a daytrip for the time off at Easter.  Get outdoors on a bike or skates.  Plant something that will bloom this summer.  Cook a fresh recipe together.  Taking a break refocuses the brain so that you aren't burning out on material that is draining.  

Set Boundaries. At the same time that I support a break, we also have to be clear about getting back to business.  Having a set time for homework, like before dinner and after snacks, helped to create rhythm and routine. For younger kids establishing reciprocal rules helps to be clear with expectations. An example might be: No video games until the homework is done.  Or 30 minutes of reading before turning on a screen. 

Plan to Celebrate! No matter the outcome, you will get to the end of a this school year.  How can you mark the moment and reward the hard work?  Plan an outing (the zoo, an activity in Pigeon Forge?) or a gift for hard work.  Use this as motivation when it gets tough to keep going by sticking a picture on the fridge or bathroom mirror.  

Spring is full of promise and expectation - it's a season of renewal and reminder of the cycles of life that make all things new.  Just when we want to turn from the requirements of school schedules, it becomes a critical time for our kids in school.  

Spring fever is real but you can set the tone for success as we finish the school year and accomplish the next level.

Five Ways Show My Teens I Love Them Everyday

In our culture -- where love is so conditional and measured by clicks and likes or the fickle connections of social media -- our teenagers are desperate for the steady, dependable love of a parent who will walk them through the hills and valleys of adolescence.

I know you love your teen, but how can we be sure that he or she feels that love? These are some ways learned how to get the message into their hearts:

Listen. Hear the words, the tone and the length of what your teen is saying. The competition for attention is real and so often our kids aren’t being validated in their thoughts and words. Before you interrupt to fix or correct, listen. If your teen is talking to you, you are doing something right. If he or she is not, it’s time to draw out their thoughts and concerns.

Relieve. The pressures of teen life are real and intense. There is no break from the academic standards or social pressures. Yes, you’re going to need to have some basic rules and requirements, but it must be cushioned with grace and acceptance. Work together to tackle a disastrous room. Create a strategy to complete the heavy school load. Build margin into the schedule so that there is space for downtime.

Observe. When my teens can be confident they are cared for, they feel loved and safe. This means that we stock the food they like. We align with them in overcoming obstacles like acne or ACT goals. When you make what is important to them just as important to you, you are demonstrating your love. Sometimes this looks like getting help for a tricky subject (I can recommend a fabulous math tutor!); other times, it means noticing when one needs jeans or new socks.

Release. Do not be a dictator to your teen because that will backfire by watching your teen withdraw from you. More than ever it’s time to work with your teens to establish boundaries and consequences, so be ready to explain your thoughts and what you see as working and not. You still get to set the rules and teens still try to be more independent. Instead of demands, offer suggestions and give lots of chances for your teen to succeed. When consequences are necessary, be clear in communicating how trust (and privileges) can be reestablished.

Encourage. Teens want to be respected. Teach them what traits are admirable and freely give privileges that allow those characteristics to shine. Catch him or her doing the right thing and really share how much you appreciate it. Apologize when you lose your temper and be quick to let go when emotions overpower logic -- it happens to all of us. Teach them by showing grace so they can be gentle to themselves, too. 

Love well. One of my teens wants me to buy Takis every week and another one wants protein powder. Sometimes they want me to come into their room with lots of hugs and chatting. Most of the time they want their space and privacy. I try to be available for both. Often, getting their favorite treat or just an extra hour at curfew is the best way to remind them I am on their side. Notice what your particular teenager enjoys and indulge every now and then.

My love is not conditional on their behavior or mood. I remind each of them that I am here for them and am their biggest fan. I’ve had to work at not reacting to the dramatic swing of teenage emotions and finding ways to connect as their activities have changed. It’s exhausting and empowering as it reveals my own shortcomings and helps me grow. But the great work of loving is rewarded with connected relationships that let my teens know love is lasting. It’s not fickle or unpredictable. It’s steady, dependable and solid in their changing world. It goes deep and anchors each one to the family and to what will remain when the tumultuous teen years are in the rear view.

Pro tip: Make a mental date with your teen, but don’t tell him/her. Just once a week (or once a month, or whatever works for you) go get a coffee or drive through Sonic just the two of you. Keep showing up every day, just like you have all their life. The awkward bodies, changing voices and bizarre outfits switch on the regular, but your dependable love will see them through.

Romance in the Blender

For all couples, it takes intention to capture the romance during the real-life grind of parenting, home keeping, managing jobs and schedules.  When you begin dating and marriage with children already at a priority in life, it takes extra planning and intention to keep romance in the relationship.  

I remember an early "date" when Mr. Wonderful took the all of our kids I together for dinner dinner. It was about three months after we met and we went to a local bbq place.  Our children ranged in age from 3 to 14 years.  Mine were loud and squirmy, picky eaters, truly snotty (having a cold) and it went past their bedtime.  His were teen and tween girls with their own set of needs and attitudes.

Romance isn't always easy in marriage and truly doesn't come naturally with all five kiddos also demanding attention.  There are lots of articles and encouragement about "How to Romance Your Partner..." but I don't think the How matters as much as the actual doing of it.  Life is complicated and sometimes difficult so romance often gets pushed to the side.  But it's so worth it to engage your partner and do what you can to remind him that you love him - him and and only him without all the distractions.  

Mr. Wonderful is kind and affectionate.  He takes time daily to remind me with words that I am his number one person.  He woos me with his words.  He is affectionate and generous with cuddles and kisses. Our days are often spent moving in opposite directions, so the we end our evening intentionally together.  I manage the dinner prep and he cleans the kitchen.  The we settle together for some downtime on the sofa.  This carefree time is crucial to our connection.  

Romance takes many forms in our marriage.  Sometimes it is time alone with the focus on one another.  Many times it is a meaningful smile across a room filled with teenagers and clutter.  Most of all, I think romance is taking the time to notice, to see how your spouse may be trying even if it isn't dramatic.  Love is continually turning to one another.  It precious and rare and worth celebrating.  Do something this Valentine's Day to celebrate the love in your life! Make romance a verb and don't just wait for it to happen.

Don't allow dread or drama to steal your joy.  Instead, you can choose to be the one to savor the love and create a bit of romance in your marriage.  If you're feeling unloved or in a season without a person to romance, I've been there, too.  Never forget that your are fully loved and chosen by the greatest lover of all time.

What I'm Learning While my Kids are Learning to Drive

I have three teenagers. One is a licensed driver, one with her permit who is learning, and another who will soon begin the process. Times can be tough for this mama in the passenger seat!  Mr. Wonderful has trained his daughters and so I didn't come into the process blind, but it's certainly a learning experience.

I want to share a few things I have learned while my kids are learning to drive.

I gave myself a head start by having each take a driver’s ed course during the summer after they turned fifteen. It provided both classroom and behind the wheel experience. The greatest benefit for me was that the instructor was able to hammer out the basics and alleviate any beginner tremors that existed. When I got in the car with my teens behind the wheel, each was no longer a novice. My job was to provide loads of experience under multiple driving conditions. 

I learned with my firstborn that the more experience he had, that experience actually made me more comfortable when he began going solo. So, that’s the strategy I have now with my current new driver. It’s not always easy to settle my nerves, restrain my reactions and turn over the wheel. It usually takes a bit longer and requires more attention to get where we are headed, but it’s worth it.

The best way to get comfortable with your teen driving is to practice, practice, practice. Confidence grows for both parent and child.

Start gently with slow courses and quick trips. Practice is essential, but don’t start with a long trip or complicated course and lots of traffic. The short, familiar trips work best, like going to or from school, the neighborhood convenience store or church. Then branch out as your learner gains experience and confidence. Be sure to include practice in the rain and nighttime. Talk about driver courtesy, letting people merge and taking your own pace.

Practice saying yes. Yes to driving time. Yes to riding along while she drives to the store. Yes to helping fund a vehicle, insurance or a job so the teen can save funds for herself. Your “yes” empowers your teen to become independent and signals that you believe they can do it.

Take your child’s criticism with a grain of salt and try not to return the criticism. Your child is going to become hyper-aware of your driving while in the learning process. They will be critical of your rolling stops, insist the turn signal was needed and warn you about blind corners. When your teen misses a turn or signal, the best time to talk about it is usually later. More than ever, now is the time to model excellent behavior and of course, your best driving skills and courtesy. If you mess up, a quick “I should have stopped at that yellow light,” becomes a teachable moment.

Control your reactions. This was the toughest for me. The quick inhales, unpredictable gasps and arm flares are highly unappreciated…and distracting. Practice breathing deeply because it’s a challenge to be calm in the passenger seat. Keep your voice steady with directions and trust that most of the learning happens by actually driving. Unless bodily injury is imminent, learning by mistakes is often the best teacher. Your new driver will react to your responses. You will set the tone as stressful or as encouraging.

Ask instead of correct. Lectures just don’t work with teens and neither does an ongoing list of instructions. “Did you learn about stopping before you can turn right on red?” works much better than a bullet point list of instructions. “Can you see around that bend?” rather than “Pull up so you can see.” The subtle difference in tone really does make a difference is how your new driver perceives your instruction. Make sure your teen knows he or she can come to you when something bad happens. Share your own bungles or accidents so that he knows you do not expect perfection.

Laugh through the tough spots. Be the soft place to land when mistakes occur. Remember that your child is so much more valuable than a vehicle. Show your love with encouragement and help her to get “back in the saddle” after a less-than-ideal driving session. My niece had a bad accident during her learning where she hit the gas instead of the brake. Thankfully, no one was seriously injured, but the vehicle was totaled. She wanted to avoid driving forever, but my sister gave her a week to emotionally recover, then insisted she keep up with the practice. Hang in there, if driving takes a turn for the worst and keep practicing.

Enjoy the time together. Once your new driver is awarded a license, there is a shift in how often he or she will come to you needing a ride. It’s hard to explain the independence that emerges (and the convenience when you need a quick run to the grocery store). All I can say is that when your son or daughter used to come to you, he or she will now have tools to meet their own needs. This is a good and healthy life skill, yet comes with a natural distancing. In a very real way, you are no longer the source of how your teen gets where he or she wants to go.

All of us, but especially teens are connected to their phones and devices. Please model and demonstrate that phones remain on the console, in a bag or glove box when driving. Any text can wait and phone calls should only be taken hands-free. We assume that our kids know this, but it is essential to have the conversation and talk about it often.  

It’s so bittersweet to watch your kids grow, expand and thrive. Some days you will beam with pride and other times you will long for the simplicity of younger years. You get the privilege of having a front row seat to the emerging independence of your teen. Celebrate your success and treasure the moment even more, knowing all too well how quickly the days pass. 

Merry Christmas!

 

Tidings of Comfort & Joy!

It's the start of December and the holiday season has arrived.  I confess that the twinkle lights everywhere add a bit of magic and sparkle to my days.  I see all the photos of holiday decor ready to go, stunning in it's detail and creativity, and I already feel behind!  Because I love to savor Thanksgiving with our whole family, sometimes the Christmas season sneaks up on me.  I'm never done decorating after the long Thanksgiving weekend.  

There was a time I felt rushed and stressed, like I was missing out because I wasn't DONE decorating.  I've learned to embrace the unfolding of the holiday.  I never remember preparing for Christmas as a stressful time when I was a child...each day it simply became more and more like a wonderland in our home.  When I rush the preparation, I miss the anticipation.

There is still time to put wreaths on the windows and lights on the door frame.  The ornaments will be placed onto the tree and we will enjoy the memories of all they represent.  The build up of joy as we look to Christmas is the perfect reflection of hope which Christ fulfilled when He came to us.  

If you feel behind, it's not too late.  You don't have to have it all done or all together...ever.  Embrace the unfolding of hope and let yourself savor the simple joys that this season already offers.  If you are struggling to find the joy, I understand.  Invite Emmanuel into the difficult moments and places.  His light shines through the darkest days when we have eyes to see it.

May your days be festive and your heart light this year.