Help Your Daughter Find, and Use Her Voice

I have an adult friend who has incredible intuition and is able to respond with confidence and grit to unexpected circumstances.  I admire the way she trusts her own instinct and can articulate position or needs.  She has learned to honor the voice inside as she navigates the unpredictability of daily life.  I want this for myself, but even more so, I want my daughter to have this confidence.  

When our girls are young, we often encourage them to go along: with our plan, with our schedule, with our likes/preferences/program.  Compliance has its benefits, resilience has rewards. Yes, we need to get through the morning routine in a reasonable manner, but sometimes we squelch the opinions of our girls by taking away too many choices.  It's easy to become a bulldozer in my quest to just get to the next task or to miss the blooming interest in something new.  The balance is tough to achieve, but it's worth the effort to cultivate your daughter's voice.\

I don't want the extremes of a rude, harsh, demanding and mean daughter NOR a kind, soft girl who isn't equipped to stand up for what she needs or those who are weak.  My goal is to teach my daughter to trust her instinct and to gauge a situation based on truth and not emotions. 

Give her skills of tact and courtesy, while remaining assertive.  Make sure she knows to respect all people, to use a voice that demonstrates understanding and yet allows her to disagree or step back.  Teaching the tried and true methods of polite interaction (like please, thank you, not interrupting) will elevate your daughter's standing with others.  We are polite because it communicates respect given to others.  That respect is then reciprocated and gives your daughter tools for speaking in a way that others will honor.

Does your daughter have permission to say no? "Respect the no," is a key phrase in our home as we learn boundaries among siblings.  Let your daughter say no to physical touch, to playing with a friend or even to eating when she isn't hungry.  This teaches her that her desires matter and to listen to herself and determine what she really wants.

Celebrate the unique attributes of your daughter.  Her freckles, willowy frame or snorty laugh all make your daughter wonderful in her very own way.  Help her to see and own the quirks that make her stand out.  Build her confidence in every way possible, especially in those years before she begins to compare herself to others and social media.  As she grows, notice what she likes about herself, and emphasize those traits.  Confidence is a platform for helping our girls through the rough and tumble years ahead.  

Let your daughter know that while courtesy is always appreciated, she has permission to be blunt when you feel unsafe. It's alright to be rude to someone hurting you.  In our effort to raise polite girls, sometimes we take away their ability to speak out when feeling violated.  

Let her know she doesn't have to be perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We don't start out being good at a sport or art or in the club.  Most of us start at the bottom and rise through hard work and practice.  Praise the effort and the commitment as those are the traits that will carry her through so many new experiences in life.

The greatest impact is made through kindness.  All of us get into a situation where there is a power play among a team or group.  Speak up for others and for what she believes is right.  Even if that isn't the way a decision goes, encourage her to voice what she feels is important in a respectful and clear way.  We can't always impact change, but letting your daughter be heard goes far in teaching her that her thoughts are important.  Even when there is conflict, others will notice when your girl can articulate her thoughts with kindness.

Another way we prompt our daughters to use their voice, is to step back when it's time for her to step forward.  As your girl becomes an adolescent, it's time to encourage her to be responsible in new ways.  Let her contact the teacher regarding help.  Give her the contact info to make her own appointment.  Go with her to set up her own bank account and give her the controls to manage her own money.  

Let her know that you have confidence in her that she can handle these things.  Remind her that you believe she is capable, and that you are there to step in when and if she needs the extra support.  "You will make the right choice," is a powerful phrase. At each stage and season, you can train your daughter to honor herself with age-appropriate choices.

There are so many ways we can empower our daughters to use their mind and impact their world, from the mundane daily choices like clothes and hair to things with greater consequence like class schedules and friendships.  It can be scary to let go of the control we think we have.  Like you, I want the best for my daughter and part of that is that I hope she will trust herself and to value her own thoughts and feelings.  The only way to honor those, is to be willing to listen and learn alongside her as she finds her voice and begins to use it.  

Love Your Teens So They Can Feel It!

It's easy to love our little ones but when our kiddos emerge into adolescence, we might not be sure how to communicate the love that still exists for them in such a big way.  We must learn how to give it in the way they can receive it.  More than ever, feeling loved and accepted at home in important.  Let Valentine's be the motivation you need to make sure your teen never questions the love you have for him or her.  It's a time to have a simple celebration, no matter the age of your kiddos!

Go ahead, get the fun treats.  Even sullen sons or moody daughters will enjoy their favorite chocolate, cookies or cupcakes.  The pressures of school and peers are constant, so be their soft place to land and constant encourager.  Simple gestures remind your teen that you are for him, you notice and care.  If you have a driver, a $10 gift card for their favorite fast food or coffee is another fun idea.

Teenagers know we are not cool, so go in the opposite direction and be extra-cheesy.  They may roll the eyes, but deep down every teen likes attention and focus.  Don't make too big a deal, but some chocolate for your guy or fresh flowers for your girl are just enough to remind them they are special.  If you're lucky enough to have the evening together, splurge on a heart-shaped pizza or chicken mini heart platter.

Call out the best in who they are.  It's easy to praise our kids for what they do, so make sure you name the traits that you admire in who they are.  I love your optimism and they way you see the best in each situation.  I respect the way you are compassionate to others.  Your joyful heart is so nice to be around!

Get into their world, or share your own. One of the best ways to connect with your teen is to enter "their world."  You can play a favorite video game or go to laser tag.  I joined Be Real, just so I show up in their daily feeds...my teens are the only people I have friended.  We enjoy lots of laughs over this.  Pull your teen into your world, too.  Take your daughter on a girls night out.  Bring your son to work with you in church nursery.  When each of you experience a bit of life in the sphere of the other, it breeds understanding and connection.

If you are able, do something little, that feels extravagant.  Being extravagant is especially helpful if your teen has been struggling or feeling down.  You are the best person to know what will speak to your particular teen. Would an extra-late curfew show him that you trust him?  How about a $50 bill and getting dropped off at the mall?  Maybe an extra special mani-pedi with your girl to celebrate the sunshine?  Can you both play hooky together and binge a show all day?  Or escape to our nearby mountains?  

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I hope you take a moment to celebrate the love in your life!  It doesn't take much to induce a smile, create connection and make a memory today.

A Slow Start

I never feel ready for the New Year.  In fact, I kind of feel a bit of whiplash from frantic holiday events that suddenly disappear, along with the sparkle and magical feel of the Christmas season.  Our schools have a late return, so nothing feels like it's back to normal.  January catches me feeling out of routine, out of energy and generally out of sorts.

For this reason, I take a slow start to getting into my groove again.  The entire month of January can be used to reset and refocus on our priorities.  

I like to begin with a few simple questions: 

• What is working for me?  
• What isn't?  
• What do I want more of in the next year?  
• What do I want less of? 
• Do I have any realistic goals, with a plan?  
• Any wild dreams that I can consider moving towards?  
• Are there any milestone moments around which we need to plan? (graduation/anniversary/birthdays)
• What am I looking forward to this year?

Last year I had a high school and college graduate, a teen who started driving and another who moved away to college.  There were many milestone moments.  This year, there aren't the same benchmark moments around which to structure our calendar.  But the patterns and rhythms will be there: spring garden planting, summer school break, fall football, etc.  

Take time to consider the direction things are moving in your home and family so that life doesn't just happen, but is directed by your values and true goals.  I no longer expect major overhauls or instant changes on January 1.  Instead, I take note of what is working, what needs to shift - and then start moving in those directions.  Year in and year out, I like seeing the shape of my life as it is refined to reflect me.

Get started.  It's not too late!  Movement in a positive direction is better than feeling stuck.  Often I feel paralyzed by all that I want to accomplish.  The truth is, I don't have to get it all done today.  I simply need to get started.  

I imagine that I'll get more serious about my goals when my birthday rolls around next month.  I hope that 2023 is already treating you well!

Gift Guide for the Woman in Your Life

This is your list of sure-fire, guaranteed win gifts for the woman in your life.  Just click on the image to visit or purchase from Amazon.  

(There are a few stocking stuffers at the end!)

Splurge on a little luxury, black is great, too!

Keep her cozy - great for your best friend, your sister or your wife.

I really love my Powerbeats!

There is no better eye kit

 Nutribullet - Rose Gold

 

Comfy shoes for everyday and workouts

 

Eco-friendly popcorn popper

Because I must be in the kitchen, a gourmet stock pot is a treat!

But this one is also fantastic!

And for the soups in that pot? I love this immersion blender -

The best for lips!

And this, too - choose your color

There is none better for Carefree Hair

         

Hair/Scalp Care is real thing for us.

What is the Side Effect of Gratitude? It's JOY!

Joy is the end result we desire for our families and now is the best time to start on the path to get there.

The curated, beautiful images we see each day can be a slippery-slope to becoming dissatisfied with the reality in front of us. I often see my own life as a giant project that is currently “less-than.” It’s unusual to notice something in our lives and feel fully satisfied with exactly what we already have. Contentment is such a rarity in our culture, which fuels the desire for more and stokes the flames of materialism and anxiety. The constant comparisons result in chronic disappointment and disillusion.

Being satisfied is a quality that we have to strive to achieve because it will not come naturally.  

Like many of us during the Thanksgiving season, I am more intentional about practicing gratitude. What I’m learning is that the sweet side-effect of gratitude is contentment. Contentment comes by way of satisfaction, and the end result is worth the effort — for us and our kids.

Satisfied + content = joy!

Joy is the ultimate fruit of gratitude, and it’s the prize for which we are all striving. The beautiful thing is that this formula works! As we shift the focus to the good in each day, we practice finding joy.

I see these side effects in my own family. They pickup on the thankfulness, too, and learn to take note of the good things we already enjoy more than the commercialism that ramps up this time of year. I see more laughter and less hustle so we can simply enjoy ourselves with contentment in the moment.

Oftentimes, we have to turn from what we wish for and accept what we have. Learning to be satisfied is a discipline that we can practice with intention. The action and emphasis is on the turning. We have power to decide what we consume via social media and to turn from the never-ending buffet of more. Just like with our diet or schedule, we must have the courage to say, “enough.”

How can we model gratitude and contentment for our little ones, teens and even grown children?

• Notice the good things in your home. Is it warm? Comfortable? Safe? Be grateful.
• Toss holiday catalogs as soon as they arrive. Don’t let a marketing company tell you about things you don’t even know you need. Instead, look for charities that will steward a gift well. Show your children that there are some who need what we already have (health care, meals, schooling).
• Relish the joy of serving! ‘Tis the season to volunteer, so enlist the help of your kids to pack shoe boxes, shop an angel tree or sort coats for the cold. Put together care kits for the homeless, sick children, neighbors or the elderly.
• Embrace delight in small things, especially nature. Notice the birds and sky. Enjoy a fire pit with delicious cocoa. Let your eyes sparkle when you greet your family. If you are a mama, then I know you are grateful indeed.
• Stop complaining…about anything, even the weather. Practice for one day at a time and every time you complain (or think to do so), replace the thought with three positives. We seem wired to notice the negatives and then we miss the joy!

Do you find contentment in the gifts you’ve already been given? May this season of Thanksgiving find you especially blessed with eyes to see the bounty you already have. Let’s practice gratitude together.

Stressbusters from Toddlers to Teens

As grown ups, we know that stress is draining and affects our mood as well as our perception of daily experiences. The same is true for our kids, whether toddlers or teenagers. As a Mom, you have the ability to help when your child is facing overwhelm or stress. Today the demands of childhood are greater than ever before. We pack their schedules with activity and expect the highest outcome for each exam. Daily competition among peers and in athletics can trigger almost constant anxiety.

We can step in to equip our youngsters to manage the stress that is inevitable. When your little one or your big kid, even your teen, starts to feel the pressure of daily life, here are hand-on ways to equip them how to handle the stress and stand with them as they face new challenges:

Comfort. Grab a favorite bag of candy or deliver dinner to your child's desk. Make it easier to get out the door the day of a big test or project presentation by stacking their gear and including a water bottle. Notice what your child appreciates and then do it - this is your chance to earn mother of the year status!

Create routines that lead to success. Sometimes we expect our children to think and act like adults, but they don't have the habits in place yet. It's our job to teach them how to prioritize and plan in order to be prepared. Look ahead at what is coming so there aren't last minute moments of panic.

Coddle *just a bit.* Help by taking some of the load off your child's shoulders. I'm all for teaching responsibility and chores, yet helping complete their laundry or taking over dishwashing duty speaks volumes to the young person struggling to manage all the demands of the day. Provide time and space to conquer the tasks that demanding attention.

(en)Courage. Praise the effort, the desire to complete, and the work ethic to stick with hard things. Notice when your child is working ahead or going beyond the norm. Focus on the progress, not just the result.

Challenge the timeline. Inexperience and immaturity mean that kids don't realize how much time tasks will require. Break it down into manageable chunks and let them realize that accomplishment one step at a time.

Calm their nervous system. Now is the time to begin instilling the life skills of mindful breathing, taking a walk or resting in order to reset our minds. Establish calming habits by teaching breathing techniques or cuddle up with a weighted blanket to sip something warm. The endorphins of exercise are calming, so pound the street, leap on the trampoline or use big muscles to haul things in the yard. Then small bodies are more ready to face a challenge. Stressful moments are a key time to teach techniques for managing all the future difficulties that life will bring. Let your child know it's alright to find ways to self soothe, so long as they are healthy habits.

Crush it! Remind your child that you love him or her apart of achievement. Even if you make a B, C or fail. Do your very best, prepare and work hard. Then let the results go. Rest in the safety of family acceptance and love. When the outcome isn't what you hoped, or you make it through an especially busy week, take time to rest and reset.

With guidance, our kids will incorporate real skills that can be used through their life as stresses come and go.  They will learn to master the moment and press through the stresses in order to move forward.

Quiet Quitting - It's not just happening in the work place.

I hear the term "Quiet Quitting" every day now. Have you heard the phrase? What do you think of the trend where individuals do the bare minimum, or maybe not even that, to remain employed. Quiet quitting means remaining in one's workplace while not actively going above and beyond. Is it slacking off, or setting healthy boundaries?

Doing the bare minimum and not taking job too seriously at the core, is a disengagement from the work team. I see it happening in relationships that are much closer than most work environments: families, communities, churches. People are disengaging, and we aren't sure why - there is no communication, just a drift.

The quiet quitting trend is a direct response to burn-out, and so people just walk away.  As I think about this concept, what keeps surfacing for me is the idea of priorities. The truth is that we are limited in our time, energy and resources. As mom, we get to choose the most valuable places to invest ourselves. For me, it is my family. Knowing my priority shapes all the other decisions.  

When we recognize the limitations, we can make wise decisions. "Every yes is also a no to something else." Choosing how to spend our time, energy and resources is a wise and important practice is cultivating a life that is personally rewarding. Protecting ourselves against burnout is worth is so that we can choose how to best spend our time and energy.

I applaud those who make a choice to step away or move in another direction. But please, talk about it. Don't make the mistake of simply walking way or quietly quit. Share your mindset and own the choices. You will be respected for the honesty and have more dignity with whatever ways you do remain attached.  Let clarity be the gift you leave when stepping back from responsibility.

Have you noticed others becoming less engaged in activities or work? Do you see priorities shifting? Have you stepped way from a responsibility in order to prioritize another, more important part of your life?