When Your Strong Willed Child Becomes A Teen

Very early, it becomes obvious when you have a strong willed child. There are many wonderful character traits that come along with being strong willed and at the same time, it can be exhausting as a parent. Then the tweens and teen years arrive and everything gets more intense. The arrival of adolescence magnifies the willfulness because the normal  emerging independence joins with the already established willful ways of your child.

All feelings are intensified, including independence and self-determination.

As the adult, it’s our job to find the best way to deescalate the feelings. Strong willed teens believe they know best for themselves. They are fiercely independent. When your teen senses that you are not trusting their own decision-making process, they will push back. We do not want to create a dynamic of constant conflict, so it’s essential to win the trust and heart of our teens.

To create connection, consider giving your cranky teen exactly what they are craving: power. Be ready for more pushing of boundaries and decide in advance what is worth the battle. Are clothes going to be a daily argument or can you let that go and hold the line on something more important like grades?

Maybe you are strong willed too and you’re doing everything you can to hold onto power in the relationship. Do you fear giving away power will backfire and your teen will suffer or reject you and your values? It’s possible, and this is where we must face our own limitations. This is the crucial time when it’s more important to focus on relationship than rules.

The only person who you can control is you. Practice being the centered, patient parent that you long to be. Take an extra breath and try to not react. What your teen is expressing isn’t about you at all; in fact, you are their safe place to let our the frustration and pain experienced at that moment. You have the privilege to help them direct their actions and attitude to something more healthy. You get to reframe what they are experiencing and remind him or her that it is temporary. Along the way, you become the trusted guide they come to when hard things happen.

Your strong willed teen has a deep need for control and independence. You can fight that or fuel him or her with responsibility.

Give this teen the power to earn, to strive and to fail. Let their struggle become an ally to improve and be a better human. Avoid getting into a direct power struggle with him or her; instead, demonstrate that you can compromise and you value their input. Be flexible on the curfew. Say yes as much as possible. Determine requirements based on what is moral versus your own preference. Ask questions like, “What does your conscious say?,” “How would you feel?,” “Would you be alright if everyone knew you did this?” These questions help shape decision making without taking over.

Strong willed teens are leaders, courageous and willing to stand alone and steer their own course. They are creative and innovative in finding solutions. Vocalize your approval with pride in their leadership and joy in their adventures. Encourage that spirit to persist in challenges and to overcome hard things. These are traits that will serve your young person well in the future.

When you see your teen moving in a direction that concerns you, raise that concern before you try to coerce. Coercion and enforcement will create resistance. I often think of the reverse psychology my own mama used as a trick of the trade. And dad still tells me, “I know you will do what is right/best.” I didn’t always make the best choice, but I knew I was responsible for the outcome. Be sure to communicate that you are on their side and demonstrate empathy even when discipline is required. Keep the relationship mutually beneficial so that your teen stays invested in the bond you have created. Lean into that bond, especially when there is tension.  

Sometimes, our strong willed ones learn through failure and tough consequences. More than ever, this is when to walk alongside them, support and encourage. “I told you so,” doesn’t work, but “Next time you will do better,” does. It reminds your teen that you believe in him or her and that you are on their side.

It’s tough to raise a strong willed teen, especially when you’re a strong willed adult. Sometimes we both mess up and so it’s important to reestablish a bond. She’s got to know I’m with her and for her, no matter what. My sister, a licensed therapist, taught me that it’s crucial to keep the connection regardless of anything else that happens during these sometimes tumultuous years.

The Guide to Getting Teens to Spend Time with Mom (Because They Totally Want To)

Fellow mothers of teenagers, I join you in the quest to forge more time with our young people.  I hope we can together unlock the secrets of nudging our moody, phone-obsessed, self-isolating teens to spend quality time with dear old mom.  The following time-tested tactics are guaranteed to prompt your teens to jump at the chance to hang out with you. Get ready for the bonding!

Be Extra Cool.  To win the heart of your teenage offspring, you must achieve peak coolness.  Dress in the most current and trendiest styles, and appropriately use slang from their generation.  Insert as many hip references as possible into your conversations.  Nothing screams "quality time with mom" quite so loudly as cringe-worthy attempts to fit in.

Totally Compete for Their Attention.  Seriously, teens love it when you engage in a fierce battle for their undivided attention.  Ignore their eye rolls and exasperated sighs as you remind them why you're more fun than their friends. Maybe you can challenge them to a dance-off? Try an extreme sport?  Be sure to capture it all on video so that you can share these ventures with their social circle.

Employ Guilt Tripping Galore. Use the time-honored techniques of emotional manipulation to coerce your teen into being with you.  Remind him or her of all the sleepless nights you spent changing diapers or all the hours spent as a chauffeur to sports and clubs. Recount the endless sacrifices made for their happiness.  Squeeze out a tear or two, but don't go overboard or they might just start avoiding you altogether.

Bust out the Bribery Bonanza.  This is my personal go-to strategy.  Why rely on family love when you can purchase your teen's affection?  Promise outrageous rewards, shower her with beauty perks like a mani-pedi date, or splurge on a steak dinner for your guy.  Watch as they suddenly find time to hang out with you when you include the fleeting pleasures they beg for.

Go for the Surprise Ambush.  Nothing screams "I love you, Mom" like a surprise intrusion of your teen's sacred alone time.  Burst into their room unannounced, armed with board games, photo albums or baby videos.  Right when they think the day is theirs for doing nothing, inform them of the hike you have planned.  They will be mortified, but deep down they will love you for always being there.

Declare Delightful Chores. Transform mundane household tasks into unforgettable bonding when you do it together.  Insist that your teen complete the chores by a certain time...and then jump in to offer assistance.  Who needs to spend cozy time at the coffee shop when you can scrub toilets together?  This will certainly insure that your adolescent child begs for more of the Surprise Ambush. Plus, it will build character, right?

Instate a Tech Time-Out. Teach our young people the art of face-to-face conversation.  Be prepared for a wave of complaints and sulking fits and hope they aren't bashing you across social media platforms.  Aim for a short trip out for ice cream or Sonic sans tech.

We love our teens but sometimes we struggle to find ways of connecting.  Keep trying, it's is worth it.  When we keep showing up and let them know we care, we demonstrate that we are trustworthy and dependable.  Let your teen know you don't always know how to be in their world, but you're trying - and then keep engaging them every single day.  

These tactics are guaranteed to annoy the teen in your life, but in truth they may also create a few moments of connection amidst the hormonal chaos.  Good luck, mom as you embark of the epic journey or mother-teen bonding!

Capturing Moments, Cherishing Memories: The Power of a Journal

Can we agree that life can serve up challenges and sometimes we are just trying to get through the day, only to do it all over again tomorrow? I think we all find ourselves on this kind of treadmill at times, but experts agree that there is a way to find more meaning through self reflection that helps us be more present and aware. Keeping a journal will foster personal awareness when we recognize and are able to express feelings, even just to yourself.   Writing out our thoughts is known to enhance clarity and boost creativity.  

Journaling may sound like a chore or old-school homework task, and that is alright - I won't pretend that everyone will connect with this exercise.  It one skill in the tool box of life management practices that can help you identify feelings, process experiences and notice improvement over time.  

Diary-style, memoir or even rote reporting are ways to document your thoughts.  Personally, what makes its way into my journals are the events of my day along with how I feel in the moment or what I'm longing for.  When an experience, conversation or message captures my heart, then I want to memorialize that by noting it in my journal.  To be authentic, do not write for an audience, let your heart flow freely and begin to process your inner mind.  Self reflection provides a way to unfold our experiences, challenges, goals and accomplishments.  We can let go of pent up emotions, grieve losses or identify those things we realize aren't healthy in our lives.  Journaling releases stress and helps us work through emotions as we untangle our mix of feelings.

I don't make myself disciplined in writing every single day, although there are seasons where that happens.  I write when an experience, good or bad, moves me. I write when I come to understand someone in a new way.  I write to remember my values while in the middle of struggles.  Mostly, I write because my thoughts become more clear when I put them to paper. 

I have been keeping a pen and paper journal of some form for decades.  Journaling is a key element for me when a decision is needed and I'm having a difficult time knowing the best direction to take.  My journals have helped me to track thoughts, feelings and patterns over time.  I've been able to observe progress and to identify pitfalls that lead to repeating negative patterns.  I've seen where difficult changes have produced more of what I desire, and so been inspired to endure new difficult challenges with confidence that the outcome is worth the effort.  The process of change is more trusted when I have record of past success.

Journaling has evolved with technology.  Personal blogs and chatrooms often act like a journal, with the addition of feedback from readers.  Apps that encourage a photo-a-day create a visual journal that can trigger so many memories when looking back through the images.  Bullet-journals are a quick and simple way to mind-dump and provide structure, or not, depending on what works for you.

If you're looking for a way to express yourself and become more mindful of your own thoughts and experience, give journaling a try.  It might help to talk with a friend and agree to write once a week, then keep one another accountable.  Start with a Gratitude Journal, where you can focus on the positive.  Other prompts: 

What is your favorite thing about yourself today?

What was one thing you wish you had done differently today?

Who in your life makes you feel safest, and why? 

Let a journal take away some of your mental load by releasing the nagging worries and noticing the positive in your day.  Capture your joy and keep record of the way life is unfolding.  Notice the rhythms of your days and note the comfort of knowing yourself.

The Lifelong Gift of Motherhood

From the moment we learn a baby is on the way, our lives are forever changed. As mothers, we take on the responsibility of nurturing and shaping a life, putting the needs of our children first and supporting them through every season of their development.  And while motherhood can be challenging, (is certainly exhausting), the lifelong value it brings is immeasurable.

One gift of motherhood is the deep sense of purpose that carries meaning.  Raising a child is one of the most fulfilling roles in my life and one of the most important in our society.  We shape our community and make an impact in the future by the way we guide our children.  Motherhood has taught me to look beyond my natural tendencies and strive to be my best self.  We learn the art of sacrifice, patience, listening skills and juggling multiple tasks.  

Through motherhood, we find a sense of community and connection.  We share bonds with other women in the same experience and those who have more history and wisdom.  We turn to each other for support and encouragement, along with practical advice.  There is a sense of sisterhood that becomes a source of strength and comfort during times of need.  Then, we get to become the resource for the mothers in the stages through which we have already walked.

This lasting sense of legacy is perhaps the greatest gift I have received through motherhood.  Through my role as a mama, mommy, mom and mother I am impacting the world in way that reach beyond my sphere.  I'm able to share values, beliefs and skills that have a ripple effect and influence many.  My own living heritage is reflecting me out in the world.  My children will far outshine my own influence, yet in raising them my own legacy is amplified.

My kids are not the center of my universe, and that wouldn't be healthy, but I know my life is forever enriched by their presence and the gift I have been given through experiencing Motherhood.  

Mother's Day is coming. Whether your crew lavishes you or keeps things simple, it's a good day to take the time to note the gifts you have received on the journey of motherhood.  And maybe let your own, or another mom in your life know that she is a great gift to you.

Spiritual Traditions Add Value to Your Family

Our society is changing rapidly and the traditional spiritual traditions that were once standard are increasingly disappearing from daily life.  For our family, we have chosen to be intentional about spiritual practices and I have found them to have great value.  Each of our kids knows that it is part of our family culture and identity.  

Tradition is a large part of what connect family members together and bridges the span of one generation to another.  The larger community of faith who gather in churches, community groups and classes provide the village we seek when raising a new generation. The extra support found by including a spiritual dimension to your parenting brings benefits to your child that will shape their outlook into adulthood.

Kids need to think beyond themselves.  The last thing I want is to raise humans that think only of self.  Traditions like tithing, giving to those in need, sharing with our neighbors and pausing to give gratitude are traits that I hope remain with my children throughout their lives.  Part of my parenting practice is to refine the character in my kids.  I want them to have role models and develop habits (traditions) that remind them of why character matters.  Spiritual traditions are tangible reminders of the values you desire to instill.

Children, kids and teens (along with parents) all gain mental health benefits of shared experiences. The communal experiences of working toward a goal, saving for project and serving together create a family culture of togetherness.  Whatever my kids face in the future, I want them to know we are going to face it together and I've got their back.  I want them to know there is a community of fellow families who will show up when the hard days come. 

Spirituality provides a more grounded sense of self as part of larger story, minimizing the impact of social media, popularity and the ups and downs of a good vs. bad day.  Children who possess spiritual aspects in their life adopt greater meaning as part of their identity.  The principles that we provide become a scaffold for their own emerging morality.

Finally, research demonstrates that children raised with spiritual traditions describe themselves as happier, have a more positive outlook on life and handle trauma with greater resilience.  Spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, giving, serving and learning or worshiping together add predictability and structure in our ever-changing culture.  

A Few Practices for Any Day:

- Keep a gratitude journal as a family.  You can write each day, or as you identify experience for which a family member is grateful.  Mom, you can help your little ones learn to be thankful and write it down for them.  As kids get older, let them have access to write their own gratitude thoughts.

- Attend church together, and find a place to serve.  Volunteer to deliver meals or work at shelter.

- Let your children see you give away something you value to another.  This could be time, clothing, money, etc.  When they are old enough, encourage your child to give, as well.  

- Attend a traditional sedar meal or participate in communion as a family.

- Read together about spiritual matters.  My personal favorite has bee "The Jesus Storybook Bible," and we usually read it together at mealtime (it was the only time I could get all the kiddos together and quiet). 

There are many ways to communicate what is important and to create family traditions.  Help shape your child's identity for a lifetime with timely values that remain relevant. Spiritual practices are a way that continues to keep your children connected and provide a constant source truth in our changing world.  

How does your family include spiritual traditions in your family life?

Extra Reading -

From Forbes: Science Says Religion is Good For Your Health

Institute for Family Studies: Religious Upbringing and Adolescence 

Help Your Daughter Find, and Use Her Voice

I have an adult friend who has incredible intuition and is able to respond with confidence and grit to unexpected circumstances.  I admire the way she trusts her own instinct and can articulate position or needs.  She has learned to honor the voice inside as she navigates the unpredictability of daily life.  I want this for myself, but even more so, I want my daughter to have this confidence.  

When our girls are young, we often encourage them to go along: with our plan, with our schedule, with our likes/preferences/program.  Compliance has its benefits, resilience has rewards. Yes, we need to get through the morning routine in a reasonable manner, but sometimes we squelch the opinions of our girls by taking away too many choices.  It's easy to become a bulldozer in my quest to just get to the next task or to miss the blooming interest in something new.  The balance is tough to achieve, but it's worth the effort to cultivate your daughter's voice.\

I don't want the extremes of a rude, harsh, demanding and mean daughter NOR a kind, soft girl who isn't equipped to stand up for what she needs or those who are weak.  My goal is to teach my daughter to trust her instinct and to gauge a situation based on truth and not emotions. 

Give her skills of tact and courtesy, while remaining assertive.  Make sure she knows to respect all people, to use a voice that demonstrates understanding and yet allows her to disagree or step back.  Teaching the tried and true methods of polite interaction (like please, thank you, not interrupting) will elevate your daughter's standing with others.  We are polite because it communicates respect given to others.  That respect is then reciprocated and gives your daughter tools for speaking in a way that others will honor.

Does your daughter have permission to say no? "Respect the no," is a key phrase in our home as we learn boundaries among siblings.  Let your daughter say no to physical touch, to playing with a friend or even to eating when she isn't hungry.  This teaches her that her desires matter and to listen to herself and determine what she really wants.

Celebrate the unique attributes of your daughter.  Her freckles, willowy frame or snorty laugh all make your daughter wonderful in her very own way.  Help her to see and own the quirks that make her stand out.  Build her confidence in every way possible, especially in those years before she begins to compare herself to others and social media.  As she grows, notice what she likes about herself, and emphasize those traits.  Confidence is a platform for helping our girls through the rough and tumble years ahead.  

Let your daughter know that while courtesy is always appreciated, she has permission to be blunt when you feel unsafe. It's alright to be rude to someone hurting you.  In our effort to raise polite girls, sometimes we take away their ability to speak out when feeling violated.  

Let her know she doesn't have to be perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We don't start out being good at a sport or art or in the club.  Most of us start at the bottom and rise through hard work and practice.  Praise the effort and the commitment as those are the traits that will carry her through so many new experiences in life.

The greatest impact is made through kindness.  All of us get into a situation where there is a power play among a team or group.  Speak up for others and for what she believes is right.  Even if that isn't the way a decision goes, encourage her to voice what she feels is important in a respectful and clear way.  We can't always impact change, but letting your daughter be heard goes far in teaching her that her thoughts are important.  Even when there is conflict, others will notice when your girl can articulate her thoughts with kindness.

Another way we prompt our daughters to use their voice, is to step back when it's time for her to step forward.  As your girl becomes an adolescent, it's time to encourage her to be responsible in new ways.  Let her contact the teacher regarding help.  Give her the contact info to make her own appointment.  Go with her to set up her own bank account and give her the controls to manage her own money.  

Let her know that you have confidence in her that she can handle these things.  Remind her that you believe she is capable, and that you are there to step in when and if she needs the extra support.  "You will make the right choice," is a powerful phrase. At each stage and season, you can train your daughter to honor herself with age-appropriate choices.

There are so many ways we can empower our daughters to use their mind and impact their world, from the mundane daily choices like clothes and hair to things with greater consequence like class schedules and friendships.  It can be scary to let go of the control we think we have.  Like you, I want the best for my daughter and part of that is that I hope she will trust herself and to value her own thoughts and feelings.  The only way to honor those, is to be willing to listen and learn alongside her as she finds her voice and begins to use it.  

Love Your Teens So They Can Feel It!

It's easy to love our little ones but when our kiddos emerge into adolescence, we might not be sure how to communicate the love that still exists for them in such a big way.  We must learn how to give it in the way they can receive it.  More than ever, feeling loved and accepted at home in important.  Let Valentine's be the motivation you need to make sure your teen never questions the love you have for him or her.  It's a time to have a simple celebration, no matter the age of your kiddos!

Go ahead, get the fun treats.  Even sullen sons or moody daughters will enjoy their favorite chocolate, cookies or cupcakes.  The pressures of school and peers are constant, so be their soft place to land and constant encourager.  Simple gestures remind your teen that you are for him, you notice and care.  If you have a driver, a $10 gift card for their favorite fast food or coffee is another fun idea.

Teenagers know we are not cool, so go in the opposite direction and be extra-cheesy.  They may roll the eyes, but deep down every teen likes attention and focus.  Don't make too big a deal, but some chocolate for your guy or fresh flowers for your girl are just enough to remind them they are special.  If you're lucky enough to have the evening together, splurge on a heart-shaped pizza or chicken mini heart platter.

Call out the best in who they are.  It's easy to praise our kids for what they do, so make sure you name the traits that you admire in who they are.  I love your optimism and they way you see the best in each situation.  I respect the way you are compassionate to others.  Your joyful heart is so nice to be around!

Get into their world, or share your own. One of the best ways to connect with your teen is to enter "their world."  You can play a favorite video game or go to laser tag.  I joined Be Real, just so I show up in their daily feeds...my teens are the only people I have friended.  We enjoy lots of laughs over this.  Pull your teen into your world, too.  Take your daughter on a girls night out.  Bring your son to work with you in church nursery.  When each of you experience a bit of life in the sphere of the other, it breeds understanding and connection.

If you are able, do something little, that feels extravagant.  Being extravagant is especially helpful if your teen has been struggling or feeling down.  You are the best person to know what will speak to your particular teen. Would an extra-late curfew show him that you trust him?  How about a $50 bill and getting dropped off at the mall?  Maybe an extra special mani-pedi with your girl to celebrate the sunshine?  Can you both play hooky together and binge a show all day?  Or escape to our nearby mountains?  

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I hope you take a moment to celebrate the love in your life!  It doesn't take much to induce a smile, create connection and make a memory today.