Ugh!

Yesterday was the first day and night that the children went to be with their father.  I'm having a really hard time with this, mostly because they feel out of my reach and I feel forced to send them.  Truly, yesterday wasn't hard - they were really looking forward to their "sleepover" and I can appreciate a break.  Still, to not have a say in the matter for future weeks is tough.

I stayed very busy, working late then going to the counselor, followed by dinner with my mother and grocery shopping.  By the time I got the groceries put away, changed the sheets, vacumed, it was 11:30 pm.  I was still awake at 1 am.  I'm having a hard time with this adjustment.  Hopefully I'll learn and it will become easier.

This is the part I hate the most!  However, I have a feeling that the children had a blast.

Thoughts Today

Today I am sorting through gobs of paperwork ... divorce generates so much!  I am hopeful to sign a temporary order this week.  Then, M will have to sign the same.  It's becoming very real and I was thinking, "How strange that I won't be a 'wife.'  Very strange.

At the same time I am feeling quite empowered.  Each time I am faced with a decision, my first response is to sort of crumple and shirk away from it.  But, reality demands me to address and decide.  When I do, I feel strong, smart, capable.  I like the way that feels. 

Seeing M last night was hard.  It's hard not to respond with the customary "Love you" or "Hon/Babe."  I still wish we had been able to work things out, raise our children and grow old together.  That was my fantasy - to be living examples of God's forgiveness, redemption and faithfulness.  I hope my life will still be that. 

I was remembering Jenny Sanford's press release after her husband's infidelity and I admire her so much.  Much of her words could be mine:

"I believe I have put forth every effort possible to be the best wife I can be during our almost twenty years of marriage. . .the greatest legacy I will leave in this world is the character of the children I, or we, leave behind. It is for that reason that I deeply regret the recent actions of my husband Mark, and their potential damage to our children.

I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.

I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal.

Psalm 127 states that sons are a gift from the Lord and children a reward from Him. I will continue to pour my energy into raising our sons to be honorable young men. I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions ..."

Rearranging

My room felt strange because it was obvious things had been removed.  There were empty places and assymetry which was akward.  So, last night I rearranged the furniture and cleaned out the closet and spaces that used to be his.  I was putting my photo albums in his old closet and couldn't help looking through them, which brought up a lot of emotions.

I was trying to remember the last time I felt truly happy and connected with my spouse.  I know I felt that way in the spring of 2007... it was a very joyful season and during that time our baby was conceived.  I also looked through my album of the year 2000.  Wow, what an amazing year and I was so full of hope, there were many new experiences and we moved that year, leaving behind a season of pain.  It was a wonderful time, a fresh start for us it seemed.  Of course 2004 was probably the best year of my life.  It was a year of celebration, joy, family and connection.

It's true that he and I had good times, even though our relationship crumbled to divorce.  It would be easy to lump all the pain into one statement that describes the entire time as "bad."  But it isn't true.  I don't fully understand what happened to us.  Sometimes I think I just wasn't "enough" for him and it makes me so very sad.  Mostly, I think our flaws made us incompatible and we will be healthier people alone.  I love him, yes, I still do.  I am angry that he allowed other women, other interests to invade what we may have had.  But still, I do forgive him and hope that Christ will draw my former man to Himself and fill all the holes this world has erroded in his soul.

As I rearrange my space, I'm attempting to rearrange my heart, also.  My whole life has been oriented around him that creating a new normal feels odd.  It is empowering and refreshing, but strange.  I would like to find others who have experienced this to provide input and support.

Alone, but not.

Last night I went to bed as the only adult in the house and it was a strange feeling to think this is what life will now be like as a single mother. Responsible: I felt uber-responsible for the three little lives harbored in the home, tucked gently into favorite covers with lovies cuddled. They seem to be taking the changes well. Our oldest is rather matter-of-fact about “Daddy’s house” and seeing Daddy in two days. Our daughter asks a lot of questions, she seems concerned about the dresser, desk and other things that are gone from our home. I think she’ll feel better to see them in Daddy’s new location. She asks about some of her things and will she get to move with them? These talks are hard for me, as I see the many years ahead with them shifting between our home and his – I want them to have a sense of stability and consistency and I hope it can still happen. Our baby surely doesn’t understand and often asks where is Daddy? Or looks for his car in the driveway. This is strange and uncharted territory for me. I do not want my children to have two homes.

As I double-checked all the locks and turned off the lights, packed bags, lunches and prepared for an easy breakfast, I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. I still haven’t worked a budget that balances each month. Decisions about childcare and schedules are tough to negotiate. Then I laid down and felt comforted. The television in our my room was taken to his apartment and the silence was good for me. I was able to pray, to allow my mind to wander, to imagine the walls a different color, to visualize peace and safety in my own space.

As I lay there, I knew Christ was with me…not just with me, but for me. I spoke to Him, opened myself to His leading and prayed for common sense, wisdom, direction and clarity. Each day is a step forward and I’m learning that I don’t have to have all the answers, just the next step. I often feel alone, but Christ is with me, my precious children are great company and I have wonderful support from family and friends. I am not alone, nor isolated.