At the same time I am feeling quite empowered. Each time I am faced with a decision, my first response is to sort of crumple and shirk away from it. But, reality demands me to address and decide. When I do, I feel strong, smart, capable. I like the way that feels.
Seeing M last night was hard. It's hard not to respond with the customary "Love you" or "Hon/Babe." I still wish we had been able to work things out, raise our children and grow old together. That was my fantasy - to be living examples of God's forgiveness, redemption and faithfulness. I hope my life will still be that.
I was remembering Jenny Sanford's press release after her husband's infidelity and I admire her so much. Much of her words could be mine:
"I believe I have put forth every effort possible to be the best wife I can be during our almost twenty years of marriage. . .the greatest legacy I will leave in this world is the character of the children I, or we, leave behind. It is for that reason that I deeply regret the recent actions of my husband Mark, and their potential damage to our children.
I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.
I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal.
Psalm 127 states that sons are a gift from the Lord and children a reward from Him. I will continue to pour my energy into raising our sons to be honorable young men. I remain willing to forgive Mark completely for his indiscretions ..."