Powerless

I feel so angry at myself because I felt powerless last night against M's verbal attack and his taking something very precious to me.  He took the photo albums of each child's first year...these are abolute treasures to me.  Hours of time and memories that can never be replaced are contained in those albums.   I tried to refuse, but then was pressured or bullied or guilted or whatever into sending them with M.  I'm so mad, at him for requesting it and at myself for giving in.  Why did I do that?  Sometimes I so badly want to do the right, the kind, the nice thing that I give into things that I do not want to do!   

He says he will return them after the weekend...please, God, let this be true!

I had trouble sleeping last night because of my agitation over this.  Thankfully, I believe I have access to all the original digital images, but still - I am just sick believing these albums may be lost from me.

Survivor

I completed the task of painting the walls in my living-dining room and kitchen!  Whew - it was a larger task than I expected, with 24-foot walls, appliances to move, cabinets and doors to go around.  Wow.  I'm so glad to have it accomplished and will have some touch-ups to do.  Since the day we moved in (almost six years ago) I have wanted to paint and it feels great to have it done!  I'm proud with the way it turned out, too - the color is warm and bright.  Now I want to paint my own bedroom...and the bathrooms...and the hallway!  Oh dear.

Moreso than the painting, I survived the children being gone with their Daddy.  I felt very "left behind" and alone.  It gave me time to think, to enjoy some lady friends, to paint (of course!).  I was so glad when all three arrived home in good spirits, with lots of hugs for Mommy and adventures to share.  They seemed to settle into their spaces with ease and commented on the paint, which they liked.  They were very concerned about the things off the walls and want me to replace them shortly!  I love them so dearly.

Distance

This morning I packed my trio of babes and sent them with M for a trip to the beach.  Each time he comes to pick up the children, I pray as I watch my life - those three little heads, strapped into carseats in the backseat fading as they drive from mommy's home to daddy's.  In moments like these it is clear that things are not as they should be and we have failed.  It is so hard.  I always smile, send them off bravely, waiting to hear all about their adventures.  I even enjoy hours of lessened responsibility.  But it is so clearly not right, not the way things were intended.

So today, I sent them off for five days of fun at the beach with Daddy and their Papa.  M was angry with me on leaving and I hated the farewell.  My instinct was to clutch each of them to me and not let go!  But I did.  I waived from the porch with a smile, then turned indoors with tears as I made my way to work. 

Five days.  They loom long before me.

It's Out There

The listing of our divorce ran in the local newspaper.  I suppose the news is public now.

M continues to insist this is what I want, not him.  He alludes to still being in love with me.  This creates such conflicting emotions because I never wanted to have a broken marriage, I desperately wanted my children to come from an intact family.  It hurts me when he says these kinds of things because he said it before and I did believe him.  Yet he continued to seek comfort outside the marriage, with other women, inappropriate online material, etc.  So I want to believe his words, but his actions have shown otherwise.

There is such a temptation to go back to the way things used to be.  It is a struggle to be a single mother, to keep a home, job, social life and purposefully raise my children...not to mention make plans for the future, try to save money, enjoy time for myself, etc.  In the past, I became quite adept at putting my head in the sand and pretending things were the way I wanted them to be.  Now I'm making a habit of living in truth, acknowledging the way things are, even when they are difficult.  Still, my dream for that former life is dead and I am not through with the grieving.

Signed

My lawyer called to report that M has signed the divorce documents.  I have such mixed feelings about it.  I first felt sick in my gut, anxious.  Then I felt crushed and and deep sense of failure.  Now I'm feeling a bit of relief, glad to have a set plan.  There's even a bit of triumph that I didn't have to force the issue.

M also told me today that he is taking the children to Myrtle Beach in two weeks during a visit with his father.  I know they will love it and I feel sad to not be a part.  I have so been wanting to take the children to the beach - they are at the ages where I think they will just LOVE IT!  It's an experience that I wanted to share with them and it breaks my heart not to be able to be there with them. 

Life for my children will be very different from my own childhood and this makes me so sad.  I'm struggling as I come to terms with the details of what it means to be divorced.  I am reminded of why this isn't what I wanted and not the best plan for families.  It's just not.  Still, I'm trying to put my life, and theirs, in God's hand and trust Him to form something out of our lives.