This morning I packed my trio of babes and sent them with M for a trip to the beach. Each time he comes to pick up the children, I pray as I watch my life - those three little heads, strapped into carseats in the backseat fading as they drive from mommy's home to daddy's. In moments like these it is clear that things are not as they should be and we have failed. It is so hard. I always smile, send them off bravely, waiting to hear all about their adventures. I even enjoy hours of lessened responsibility. But it is so clearly not right, not the way things were intended.
So today, I sent them off for five days of fun at the beach with Daddy and their Papa. M was angry with me on leaving and I hated the farewell. My instinct was to clutch each of them to me and not let go! But I did. I waived from the porch with a smile, then turned indoors with tears as I made my way to work.
Five days. They loom long before me.