Blended Life: Creating a Close-Knit Family

Families that are blended for any reason face obstacles to making connections that create bonds.  Still, there are proven strategies to strengthen the ties within any family - even those that weren't created naturally.

#1 - Verbalize that you are committed.  As often as possible state that you are family, that you are not leaving. "We are family and families help each other," is a statement often repeated at our home.

#2 - Demonstrate Appreciation. A quick hug, a heartfelt thank you, a note on the counter or even a quick text.  Making gratitude part of the fabric of your home creates a closeness.  Together find things for which to be thankful and let those you live with know they are valued.

#3 - Make time Together a Priority. We all must avoid the trap of becoming too busy to be together, or even too lazy (sometimes it's easier to just sit on the couch and veg). Even when the whole family can't be together, gather who is able and make the effort.  Games, meals, simple walks and drives are the stuff families remember. Vacations are icing on the cake! Whether it is a big or small event, deliberately schedule family time.

#4 - Invest in Faith Building. When the kids are grown, faith is the foundation we can give them in order to move forward through positive and negative situations.  The seeds you plant today have the power to grow into mighty reserves of strength for the future.

#5 - Bond during Crisis.  Hard times come to every family and it isn't fun, but it is the time when you can rally together to support one another and fortify each other for the challenge.  When money is tight or schedules are chaotic, let your crew know it's time to pitch together.  Siblings can support each other by lending a hand.  Children can bear with parents as they navigate difficulty.  The hard times have the power to pull members apart or to draw them together.  Chose to use your crisis to ask  for help an connect not to isolate or lash out.

I plan to share specific ways each of these values have brought our family closer during the seven years we have been together.  I hope you will read along and share your own ways to connect!

For When There is Too Much Noise

As we began our isolation and quarantine, it seemed like there was more noise than ever.  Social media, traditional news, alerts, dings, and deadlines were demanding attention ceaselessly.  Add in the extra noise of the whole family home together, and it really was overwhelming.  I had to find a way to calm the constant buzz in my brain.

When I encounter a trigger, I need a skill to counteract the anxiety uptick that the trigger creates.  Here are three way I managed my own ebb and flow of negativity.

Noise to Calm
Inevitably, noise begins to distract me. I'm one of those people who has to turn the radio down when I'm driving with concentration.  It's just part of the way I'm made.  I can't always quiet my space, but I can quiet myself.  I can walk outside.  I can take a shower.  I can let those around me know that I'm seeking quiet.

Clutter to Order
Yes, it's proven that clutter creates stress.  When our college girl moved home, she spent the first week purging and ordering her space - it was a huge gift to herself!  She is now set up to continue living back home in comfort.  The same is true for me.  My newly established office space is also the dining room, which tends to gather the discarded items from other spaces.  I distributed what was necessary and tossed the rest.  Our pantry is extra stocked so we don't have to go out as often, so I spent an afternoon early in the quarantine really organizing in a way that made sense for our family.  It's still functioning well.  Other surfaces that gather junk are counters and dressers.  When I start to feel my tension rising, it pays off to take a few minutes and tidy those places.  Invest in yourself by taking action in the places you are able.

Chaos to Routine
Wearing my robe to work has been a long-standing joke between Mr. Wonderful and me.  But after about an hour of sitting at my desk, I realized I couldn't even take myself seriously while trying to work in the privacy of my own dining room.  I went and changed my clothes - not office attire, but at least not bedroom clothes, either.  From then forward I kept my morning routine and established some new markers in the day: lunch time, walking breaks and sitting on the patio swing with my daughter.  I was able to take advantage of the privilege of working from home and keep my rhythms in place.  I felt the drift toward later nights, and worked hard to maintain a normal bedtime.  Whatever works best for you, create some routine rituals to mark the phases of your day.

I think we will always remember 2020 as a year like no other!  We have been stretched and required to grow.  What skills will you take with you as life shift into yet another phase?

The Joy and Ache of Letting Go As My Son Turns Sixteen

Sixteen years ago my firstborn arrived and we felt so connected.  I was his source of comfort, nutrition, education, everything.  He outgrew his need for just me years ago, and I've been letting go bit by bit ever since.  Over-mothering is a tempting act but it's more important to me to raise an independent, upstanding man.

I can still feel the texture of the blankets and his velvety skin. A photo brings me back to that place like nothing else quite can. My very own little guy was 100% dependent on me and that spurred me to rise to the challenge in ways I couldn't dream possible. So many of the moments that mattered happened when no one else was there to witness it.  The snuggles, the corrections, the encouragement, the laughter.  We grew together, indeed.

This day feels like a milestone birthday with a driving test and birthday gifts that look more like college prep than toy trains.  I feel like I gave so much of myself to him in those early years.  It's just a few more years that he will be sleeping (or not sleeping) across the house in his own man-cave. He's well on his way to adulthood but there are still lots of skills to master.

Help me to remember not to be annoyed when he is needy, because this man still needs comfort, reassurance, direction and support.  He's more of a man now, than a little boy.

My son still needs me to have time for him. The time is truly trickling away and moments to connect often comes when it's least convenient for me.  I want to take advantage of the late nights, the weird desires and random requests.

That chin stubble and quarantine-long hair are his way of accepting himself.  It's easy to let myself become critical and I see that it simply distances myself from from my son. It's really not important, so I am working at accepting him just the way he presents.  

Selfishly, it is painful to let him go into his own ventures and future.  Yet my heart is so proud of the person is today and who is becoming.  He is kind, honest, hard-working and reliable.  He thinks for himself and isn't easily influenced.  He is a fun friend and loves to laugh.  He possesses a deep and real faith for his age. He is moving forward with dreams for his future and I remind myself that our bond remains so he will always be part of my life, even though things might look differently.

Letting him go, with support and enthusiasm is right and good.  The hardest part is accepting that as I'm letting go of him, he letting go of me, too.

The End of Stay Home for Me & Looking Back

My life, like yours, has been impacted by global pandemic but the impact has been so gentle for us.  Mr. Wonderful and I have both been able to work from home and all five our children have been back and home.  It has been a sweet time of togetherness and "nesting" which I think we have all enjoyed.  The anxiety of those first days eased when I turned down the news and turned up the focus on hidden gifts.

The no-end-in-site-ness has shifted into a new way of doing things that I can accept and adjust. We have and will continue to grieve what we miss, yet I will not camp out there.  It's not a healthy mindset for me to dwell on what is gone.  I like to find the gifts in what we have!

My home office set up - never had one before.

As of this week, I'm back to my work office full time.  I am so sad to to leave the nest and routine we created at home.  Even though I was often interrupted and sometimes annoyed, I loved the way I could seamlessly move between work and family life.  I enjoyed leaning back to see my husband diligently working at his own desk.  I treasured the simple interactions we had over lunch, school work, video games and our spoiled pets.

Lots of family meals.  

Some of my memories of quarantine will always include how my kids pulled out all the old toys: Lincoln Logs, Legos, Minecraft figures became playthings once again.  My soon-to-be high schooler used her doll stroller to walk the dog around.  We didn't get any home projects done, but we did more baking and they finally got the routine of helping to unload the dishwasher!  We planted seeds and tilled a new garden area.  We tried a few new recipes and took many walks/drives.  Our youngest has mastered fish keeping and his aquarium is crystal clear.  I loved having everyone within arms reach.

Planting seeds.

I've read several books, and I've enjoyed my imperfect home so much.  I'm grateful for these days.  In the garden we have made it from daffodil to peony season.  We got outside a bit, had picnics, took long drives and created chalk art with most of the country.  I spent my first Easter at home.

Now, I'm shifting gears back to a morning that means getting ready by a certain time and commuting to work.  My children and I are texting often to stay connected.  My firstborn is turning sixteen this week and getting his driver's license!  My social daughter is getting connected with her real-life friends.   My youngest will finally have a procedure that has been rescheduled several times.  My step daughters have gone to other locations to catch up where they left off and our home is no longer packed.  We miss the togetherness and companionship.

A picnic makes a good day better.

Driving practice for the new driver.

Church at home, it's not the same and still we are grateful.

Those empty T.P. shelves!

Making every effort to get outside daily.

Siblings and friends.

A fish for fun!

Tree Climbing!