Five Things to Ask For In Marriage - and Bonus Request

October marks ten years since my first marriage ended officially, though I now see it was dead long before.  I still feel the sadness over the dreams lost and the hardships endured through that season.  In that relationship, I was so used to negativity and pain that I didn't even hope for joy and fulfilment.  Getting through the day without conflict was the best and I didn't know it was okay to ask for more.  

I'm now grateful to know that it's okay to insist on something better.  Here are five things it's necessary to ask for in your relationships:

1. Ask for honesty.  There is no foundation for a relationship that isn't founded on the solid truth. Require this of yourself and your partner, even when the truth is tough.

2. Ask for courtesy.  Home life is so much better when respect is communicated and partners are valued.  This is expressed in the common courtesies of gentle speech, grateful attitude, cooperative interactions and communication that includes kindness.

3. Ask for time.  Relationships require time to be nurtured. Yes, life is so full and hectic, which only means that it's even more important to prioritize time for your marriage relationship to be at the top of your time list. If you need more time to connect, let your partner know and ask.  When I think of needing more time, I realize I'm really asking for attention.  If the phone, the tv or even the job is blocking the connection, it alright to ask for those things to be minimized for a set time to be together.

4. Ask for help.  In my immaturity, I wanted to avoid conflict at all costs. So, I took on unrealistic expectations for what I could manage and do.  Instead of asking for help which made me fee vulnerable or weak, I tried to do more and be more.  Instead I became worn down and resentful.  Use these feelings as opportunities to ask for help.  In this way, your partnership is reinforced and burdens are shared.  

5. Ask forgiveness.  We all make mistakes.  Being up front with them and asking forgiveness requires humility and risk.  In an unhealthy relationship, mistakes were used against me and I became afraid to admit when I was wrong.  This only led to shame and hiding which fueled a cycle of division.  Mistakes will happen and resolution only begins when we address and correct them.  Marriage must be a safe place to seek forgiveness.  

Can you ask for each one of these in your relationship?  If you find yourself in a situation where you cannot ask for even one of the key requirements for a safe marriage, please search for help.  You will need support if you are in a difficult marriage but help is available.  Learn to be the healthiest you can be so that your difficult marriage doesn't destroy the person you are created to be.  Resources are available online and in real life.  

Bonus Request: I wouldn't put this in the category of necessity, but in the theme of "You Count" in your relationships, it's okay to ask for fun! What gives you life and joy?  Is it books? nature? cooking? going to concerts? travel? coffee?  Let your spouse know that you are going to invest in something just for you - does he want to join or come along?  I hope so - but it's alright if you do it alone.  This is an investment in yourself so that you are full and free to bring joy and energy to your primary relationship.  Remember, it is not selfish to invest in yourself.