What Puts the "Extra" in Step Families

According to the Urban Dictionary:

extra

over the top
excessive, dramatic behavior
way too much

I've said before that the first word that comes to mind when describing blended families is, "complicated."  Another word this generation uses to describe things is "Extra."  Extra can mean over-the-top or fussy.  It's a word rightly used to reveal the layers of involvement that others may have in your family, even people outside the home.  Blended family life with co-parents, exes and extended family all wanting a say means a very "extra" dynamic.

When the I feel like I have to ask permission from my ex, it naturally creates tension and resentment.  Exes definitely make things feel "Extra" and complicated.  When we need to communicate calendar commitments with my step daughter's mother, we may feel slighted or like we have less say-so.  These layers of involvement and extra communication wear us down over time.  It's easy for resentment to build.

Every decision that involves the kids requires an extra conversation.  Extracurriculars.  Orthodontics.  Travel plans.  Even birthday parties.

Are you the "extra" in your blended family?  As a step parent, we often want to be involved, but can complicate matters unnecessarily.  Ask yourself if your involvement is making things better or worse? If you're the step parent in a situation, the "extra" - must you share your opinion in a matter?  Are you creating more or less tension by expressing your view?  Communication is essential, of course and if it helps to share your opinion the do so.  But often I want to share where I have little influence an my thoughts aren't appreciated.  It might even make things more difficult for those I love. 

Yes, your family is "extra."  Accept that reality and do what you can to minimize conflict by communicating and sharing information, but don't insert yourself just to feel included.  Be a hero when you are the step parent by being supportive of decisions made, even if they aren't choices where you are included.  If the step family is thriving, it isn't happening on accident.

If you're feeling extra tired or overextended, remember that blending families takes time.  The longer you remain connected as a family, the more experiences you will have together.  There will be parenting fails and experiences where you learn.  Along the way you become a better spouse, parent and step parent!  And while it may not ever be perfect, time blending the family does become happier and more well-adjusted.  

Winter Work

 I have things I would like to accomplish, and know that there is work to do is making progress toward the goals. Yet I find myself avoiding and putting off the tasks needed to move forward.  Procrastination is the term, I think.

This week I intend to do some of the mental work by identifying what I would like and then prioritizing.  My tendency is to wait until there is demanding need, then tackle it and my desire is to be more proactive in the way I focus my effort.

Much of what calls is boring, quiet and isolated work: Improving my core strength.  Creating order in hidden spaces.  Saving for long-term goals.  Eliminating items which no longer serve our family.  Cleaning, repairing, preparing for upcoming events.  There is nothing glamorous or immediately rewarding in this work.  

Winter is much the same way.  Where I live, it is the season when my garden rests.  Work is happening tucked away from view.  The evidence is unseen, the toil unappreciated until a future time.  Often we want a sweeping rescue to solve the dilemmas in life and yet I have witnessed and experienced that daily, regular commitment makes more impact than the grand gesture.  

May I be committed to that.  Delayed gratification is such a difficult concept for me to embrace.  I want results and I want them now.  Sometimes winter is sparkly and crisp.  More often, winter is gray and gloomy with one day rolling into another and little seems to change.  The work happening in this season, though, is what makes spring explode with life and color.  The work is worth the effort.

Merry Christmas, With Love

Stocking Stuffers They Will Actually LOVE

 My job at Christmas is to be in charge of the stockings!  We always need to include some candy and cocoa, but here are several other ideas that have been a big hit.

Weather Gear - mittens or headbands

Hand Warmers

Playing Cards

Specialty Mugs - fill with favorite candy

Reusable straws

The best pens

Charging Cords (Can there ever be enough?)

Outlet extenders

Pampering Face or Shaving Kits

Cologne, Perfume or Body Spray

Travel Sized Games

Devotional Book to Start the New Year

Fishing Lures

Jewelry

Scrunchies

Wallet (add gift cards for extra squeals)

Kitchen Tools

Treat Coupons

Gift Cards

I have vowed not to include face masks this year - we have plenty!

How to Replace Holiday Hooplah with Genuine Joy

Our family has been asked to quarantine due to Covid exposure.  It's been a lot of togetherness and a big change to our normal Christmas experience. There have been a lot of visits to be tested, protocols and general upheaval of our plans.

Winter break will be a longer break than usual.  Our Christmas is often filled with excess and activities but since much has been eliminated this year, it's a good time to consider what has become excess calendar clutter and what truly enhances our joy and our generosity.

Embrace the Empty. There are going to be open slots on my calendar and I don't want to fill them.  I want to linger with hot chocolate and read a book while my family is busy nearby.  Rest is high on my wish-list this year, for me and for my blended family.

Honor the Traditions. This isn't the year that I want to try a new recipe or venture into a new venue.  I want to participate where I can with those memories we most value like our church's Christmas Eve Service & Communion (socially distanced) and the Christmas lunch I share with Mr. Wonderful, at our traditional spot. I'm going to make the same Christmas cookies and I've got the gingerbread houses all ready to decorate.  I'm not looking for new decorations, I'm pulling out all the vintage mismatched gear that we use to make our home merry.

Release the Expectations.  I think this is a tough one for most of us.  Christmas has become this epic event for which we hope all year to connect with family, to satisfy wishes, to relish much togetherness.  For me, I find that my expectations don't always mesh with reality.  A fuller-than-usual home and a tighter-than-usual budget brings stress.  I'm allowing that to be real and planning to pull back when needed.  

Quit the Comparison.  My Christmas season and yours may look very different, and that is okay!  Let's each enjoy the day we have and make the best of our moments.  What we see in a social feed may or may not reflect what is actually happening throughout each day.  Post your proud moments, but remember that is all that others may be posting, too.

Enjoy my Savior.  Ultimately all those hopes that we often pin to Christmas are met when we open our hearts to Christ.  In Him I can find the peace, the satisfaction and the joy for which we are all so longing.  It's truly the greatest gift ever given. 

A Simple Season

Many thanks to my family for helping with all the decorating this year - it's the first time I've asked and it made getting festive so much more merry! Asking for help relieves so much self-imposed pressure. 

I confess that we aren't very simple with our decorations.  We love to make our home sparkle and shine, to the point that some may consider it gaudy.  It's fun to pull out the same little trinkets and knick knacks that make us smile every year.  They have little actual value except the history and memories.

Having the decorating done leaves me to enjoy the season in a more quiet way.  With our calendar more clear this year (thank you, Covid), it feels possible to be content at home with what we have.  Contentment is a gift you give yourself.  When it's so easy to focus on what else is out there, choose to notice all that you already have.

Things may look a little different this year, so maintain whatever traditions you can.  We  have an annual evening of gingerbread house decorating.  This year, I ordered "pick up" and the house walls were broken on some, but we made the best of it.  I've had several orders cancelled or delayed and it sometimes feels overwhelming that I can't have or get what I want.  

Our gatherings are limited, our travel is on hold, many activities are cancelled all together.  

So, how will we spend our extra time and energy?  Where can I focus to divert disappointment to opportunity?

I'm already enjoying more time at home, truly.  The hectic pace has never been for me, but it creeps in with three school-aged children and their multiple calendars.  Having the three of them under my roof more often is a sweet, treasured gift of this season.  Even when we aren't all in the same room, I like to grab moments with each one individually to laugh, chat or work on something.  It's been a special time.

I'm reading actual books. I'm watching holiday shows, both old and new.  I've hand-written notes and I'm way ahead on actual wrapping.  We are chatting and gathering and snuggling our pets more than ever. 

It's a lovely time to be at home. 

Thankful

(Photo by Anita Larmore)

If ever there was a time to make the effort toward Thanksgiving, this is it! It's so easy to find reasons to complain, and in my mind I tend toward that often.  But I'm trying to catch myself and let only the positives come from my mouth.  Remember, we contribute to the tone of the entire household. 

I'm so thankful for my husband.  This year has been challenging for him professionally and he has been consistent and good in his dedication to his job that provides for us so well.  He has jumped in to help with three (step) children that are now in multiple activities with a busier schedule than ever before.  He has been patient and encouraging with my adventures (le Conte) and the best companion ever.  We have spent more time together than ever before and it's been a gift.

Speaking of my children, I love watching them bloom in new spaces! Our hectic calendar is daunting, yet the personal growth and expansion of their skill has been a gift during this time where so many other things are closed to them.  I'm impressed by the independence and leadership that I see emerging, along with the gumption to try new things.  I'm so grateful for my children.

Even though travel is limited and gatherings are smaller this year, we are so happy that our oldest two girls are coming home to gather with the family.  Both are doing well in their lives beyond our town with new accomplishments and opportunities.  

We have friends and acquaintances who have contracted Covid and several who have passed away.  Our hearts are heavy for those facing grief.  Our jobs are affected and business is slow but thankfully God continues to provide.  We are sharing what we have, we are looking for ways to give and to share - the opportunities are abundant right now.  

Whatever the season may hold, we are seeking to find ways to be grateful.  In the crunch of leaves, the coolness of the air, the pulling out of familiar holiday decorations.  Read the scriptures, count your blessings and pray earnestly for those with needs.  Our Lord is with us, this is certain.

So, gratitude is and action that you can choose regardless of circumstances.  Where is grace showing up in your life today? (More on Gratitude Here)