A Frightful October!

Fall is my favorite time of year and the colors are at peak right now where I live.  But we haven't taken our annual fall foliage carriage ride, photoshoot, hiking.  We did make it to the pumpkin patch and have enjoyed the leaves at the park, but this October brings more than seasonal change.  We are moving.  For many reasons, moving is an emotional trigger for me, even under the best circumstances.  Doing this alone has made me feel overwhelmed, inadequate and insecure. 

Packing up this house reminds me of when we moved in ... a very different family from what we are today.  I'm grieving those losses a little bit.  The hardest part is losing some of the consistency that we have had for all these years, through the separation and divorce. 

And we are just plain busy!  I'm so thankful that this is our last week of soccer sesaon.  School is in full-on homework mode and I've been busy preparing for a presentation and travel this weekend.  Once I make it through this week, relief will be in sight.  Yes, I have the move coming right up, but I will be able to focus only on that.

This October has had a bit of a shadow over my normally favorite season ... but I do not mind, it's part of the process of growing and changing and looking to the future.  Just like I love these unique, gray pumpkins, I'm trying to make the best of the season of change in our lives.

Uncertainty

I know we all live with unpredictability in our lives, no matter our circumstances.  But compared to the married-with-children life that I used to think I had, this Single Mom Life makes me much more aware of my uncertainty.  I am in a season where so much is changing and I feel some anxiety and fear.  I'm trying hard not to let the fear win!  The changes are good ... I need to remember that.  It's just overwhelming and I've seen my hopes and plans fall apart before.  I know it can happen. 

I'm getting to a place where I know that a lot in my life is going to change and feeling ready to take on that uncertainty.  But it doesn't mean I look forward to it.  I look forward to the end results...but walking this path is a challenge.  The prize is that eventually the choice to risk gives way to confidence and trust.

I need to remember that uncertainty also allows for possibility!

This week's #1 Task: Find a rental home.

"Mommy, Why did you break up with Daddy?"

This little cutie asked the tough question.

Ugh!

Someone we know recently commented to my children that he "kind of broke up with ---."  Then I was asked this question by my six year old daughter and it forced me to change my immediate plans and sit down for a little family talk. 

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I repeated a phrase that I have used often through the divorce process, "It was my desire that our family stay together always and this is not God's best plan for families."  I try to remind them how much I wanted us all to live together.  It hurts me that they think this was my plan.  I emphasize that I did not break up with Daddy, there were choices he made which caused it to be better for us to live apart.

I know they don't understand this.  They ask me very pointed questions and I'm not exactly sure how to answer.  The questions are more specific as they get older...answers are vague about grown-up problems, broken promises, etc.  The firstborn remembers lots of yelling.  The baby was surprised to learn that Daddy ever lived in our home.

When the topic moved on to other things, I wrapped it up by reminding the children that even though our family isn't perfect, it is a good family, one of which we are proud to be a part.  I shared how God was with us each step of the way and had taken such good care of us.  He will continue to do that even as we prepare for the next season of our lives. 

Yes, we will be moving soon. I don't know where, yet, but things are certainly changing around here.