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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Alone, but not.

Last night I went to bed as the only adult in the house and it was a strange feeling to think this is what life will now be like as a single mother. Responsible: I felt uber-responsible for the three little lives harbored in the home, tucked gently into favorite covers with lovies cuddled. They seem to be taking the changes well. Our oldest is rather matter-of-fact about “Daddy’s house” and seeing Daddy in two days. Our daughter asks a lot of questions, she seems concerned about the dresser, desk and other things that are gone from our home. I think she’ll feel better to see them in Daddy’s new location. She asks about some of her things and will she get to move with them? These talks are hard for me, as I see the many years ahead with them shifting between our home and his – I want them to have a sense of stability and consistency and I hope it can still happen. Our baby surely doesn’t understand and often asks where is Daddy? Or looks for his car in the driveway. This is strange and uncharted territory for me. I do not want my children to have two homes.

As I double-checked all the locks and turned off the lights, packed bags, lunches and prepared for an easy breakfast, I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. I still haven’t worked a budget that balances each month. Decisions about childcare and schedules are tough to negotiate. Then I laid down and felt comforted. The television in our my room was taken to his apartment and the silence was good for me. I was able to pray, to allow my mind to wander, to imagine the walls a different color, to visualize peace and safety in my own space.

As I lay there, I knew Christ was with me…not just with me, but for me. I spoke to Him, opened myself to His leading and prayed for common sense, wisdom, direction and clarity. Each day is a step forward and I’m learning that I don’t have to have all the answers, just the next step. I often feel alone, but Christ is with me, my precious children are great company and I have wonderful support from family and friends. I am not alone, nor isolated.