Mine, Yours, Ours - What?

My children have called my guy Mr. K---- for so long that the name didn't change when we actually married.  I've let them know they can just refer to him as K---- or even Coach (he coaches High School Soccer).  We've tossed around other names like Pop (he calls his own Dad Pop) but so far Mr. K---- it remains.  Sometimes, one of my three will slip and call him Daddy, but they always correct themselves.

I hope the label softens with time.  We have only been married for two months.

My husband has two daughters in high school.  Because I am Missy, I request people never use the Ms. (Ms. Missy is too much Misery to me).  So I've always been, "Dad's girlfriend, Missy."  Now I am "My stepmom, Missy."  I still regret the title of Stepmom, but it seems to be the easiest way the girls have of quickly defining my role to their friends. 

We do refer to the children as "Our children" and do not designate when we talk about them to others.  You're right, most people never need to know the exact nature of the relationship.  We have all five children the vast majority of the time, and yet the age differences create natural lines.  Often we refer the "the children" (my three, age 5, 7, 9) or "the girls" (his two, age 14, 16).  When I talk to others about my family and children, I am talking about all five: I cook dinners for all, shop for all, run schedules for all, etc. 

We are definitely still adjusting to living as a blended family.  There are so many individuals and emotions to consider and sometimes it's just overwhelming!  But keep reminding yourself that it is worth it!  One things that encourages me is to talk with adult children of blended families and hear the important impact the "Steps" had on their lives.  Two friends in particular had/have sweet, positive role models and influences: one from a Step Dad, one from a Step Mom...and the relationships weren't always smooth. This helps me know the end result is worth the confusion and work now.

Moody Monday

Mr. Wonderful is starting a new job today - I'm excited for him and praying that all goes well. We both woke up feeling more rested than not and ready to face this Monday.

Sweet Faith lost a big front tooth over the weekend!  It totally changes the way she looks and she was so excited!  We had a big Sunday lunch and I thought I would share what a typical mealtime looks at our table. 

It's fun to have a big gathering and I can tell each of us likes the anchor of a family dinner each evening.  We're a late-eating-bunch and often after dinner it's time for the little ones to get ready for bed and the older girls work on homework. 

I'm still working out meal choices that everyone enjoys - this meal was brisket, baked potatoes and green beans with rolls.  It will yield brisket sandwiches, too!

I hope you had a great weekend and a fantastic week planned ahead.  My main quandary is how to get the children to be responsible for getting themselves ready and out the door.  I don't want to do the 10 minute countdown any longer.  Once they are done with breakfast, I would like them to go ahead and brush teeth, put on shoes and be ready at the door when it's time to go.  Any ideas?  What are your morning challenges? 

 

Rich Reads

Recently discovered in my browsing:

Great article about Bottom Lines and seeking a Healthy Relationship.  MUST READ!

Why Loving a Narcissist is a Bad Idea by Big Little Wolf

The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists in Psychology Today - Holy cow, I saw myself in this one!

Are you talking to your sons?  Your daughters?  It's important to know how porn affects their brain.  I wish it wasn't necessary, but we cannot avoid this topic.

And be sure to share Wise Words from you Children here or here! Campbell's wants to hear what your child has to say.

"I Love You"

My former husband said, "I love you" all the time, even after the divorce.  His words did not match his actions and so the words had little value.  I've recently remarried and a similar dynamic was true in his first marriage.  His former wife articulated love, but did not live it.  So, while saying "I love you" is necessary and important in our relationship, demonstrating it or providing more detail is much more meaningful.  I'm looking for ways to do that, everyday.

Mr. Wonderful tells me he loves me when he makes me the sweetest coffee in the morning.  I hear his love when he calls me after dropping his girls off at school, just to chat and connect.  I feel loved when he takes care of the dishes or insists I sit down instead of folding another load of laundry (knowing he'll tackle it instead).  I am most confident of his love when he ends his day by wrapping his long arms around me and we fall asleep together - seriously, he does this every night.  Touch is one of my primary love languages. 

Words are his primary love language, so I say the words often.  I also try to find unexpected ways to use words.  Before we married, Mr. Wonderful never bothered to put the roll of T.P. on the actual dispenser, but I've noticed since I moved in that he takes that extra step.  I really appreciate it!  So when I saw the roll was getting low...I put a note on the next roll:

 

On a morning I knew he would be awake before me, I left a lipstick message on his mirror. 

Do you think he got the message about the way I feel?

 

I send text messages.  I speak words.  I make his favorite cookies and I brag on him whenever I can.  I want to communicate my love for my own husband in ways he can 'hear.'  I don't ever want him to wonder how I feel.  I want to be his 'sure thing.'

 

How do you tell those you love how much you care?  What is something intentional you can do this weekend?

Off They Go

My daughter has this pillow on her bed - she picked it out herself.

Thursday evenings mean that my three little ones head out to spend time with their dad.  We tidy up their spaces and the house feels so much less lively without their activity and noise.  I always feel more alone when they are gone, even with my bonus family closeby.  I'm so thankful they are together.  It is one of my fondest thoughts to know they are experiencing their childhood together.  Whether here or there, they will have each other.

I miss them when they are gone and sometimes I feel guilty for the deep breath and break in responsibility that I get when they go.  I've learned to let go so much more, to trust their little selves to Hands greater than mine.  It hasn't always been easy and still isn't, and I always look forward to their return. 

So tonight I'm catching up on some housework.  I'm spending time with my Honey.  I'm exercising and might even color my hair.  I'm letting them enjoy time away and getting ready for when they arrive back home with all their noise and mess.  It's a crazy life, but it's our life. 

Do you share parenting time with a former spouse?  How do you spend those hours?  What would you do with an evening of no responsibility?

My Little Girl Dreams

I often wonder how the dreams
of my own little girl will turn out.

We all do it. As little girls we dream about our life as a woman.  I would be a wife and mother, my home would be cozy and often filled with guests.  My husband would be thoughtful and engaging, respected in the community and ever-so-handsome.  And it would be perfect.  It really would.  I mean, as long as I followed the rules and made good choices all would be well. 

And so began my performance.  My need to control the outcome was great because I perceived it as a reflection of my own worthiness.  But all my striving could not produce the desired dream.

I crafted a life that I thought would fulfill my dream: a handsome man with prestigious ambitions, a comfortable home which I could fill with pretty things and well-behaved children.  And it looked good for a while.  But the whole time, I knew it was an illusion.  I knew the handsome man battled demons and our relationship was weak.  I knew the façade we presented to others didn't hold up when were alone.  The hope for children was met with the despair of miscarriages and infertility.  The desire for a loving marriage turned into disappointment and the feeling I would never be enough: not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not good enough. 

I truly did believe my little girl dreams were just that, dreams from another time.  I accepted so much less than I had hoped for because the dream no longer seemed possible.  I shriveled and didn't let people get close enough to see my disappointment.  I withered and forgot what it was like to dream.

But one day,  I could no longer keep up the show. The actions of my then-husband brought others into our marriage and it was necessary to bring light into the darkness of our home.  I cannot describe the devastation of betrayal, the consequences of living in isolation and how admitting the dream was gone evoked enormous loss.  On that day, I knew my story would never be what I once dreamed. 

Everything had changed.

Walk With Me

From our time dating and even more today, I notice that my husband really enjoys when we do life in parallel.  He appreciates my presence, even when I'm not actively involved.  It can be a challenge because there is always a task that could be done and it's tempting to feel like the time is wasted.  But I see a notable change when I make time to simple be with the one I love. 

He likes it when I sit while he practices music.

We often exercise 'together' on Saturday mornings: Him with a running buddy and me on my own at a much slower pace - but we ride together, cross paths and end together.

He enjoys the camaraderie of watching sports together.

When we do errands together, it feels like less of a chore.

Being together, even when it seems unnecessary has provided many moments of laughter, bonding, opportunities to share, discuss and explore.

Obviously, it isn't always possible.  Yet I can tell it makes a difference in our connectedness when I make the effort to be with him.  Women tend do bond by feeling together, talking, processing.  Men bond through participation.  Deep, emotional conversations aren't part of my average day, and that's not what connects my man to me.  Intentionally being together in the big and small things connects us in very practical ways and provides to space for the more touchy-feeling conversations to happen.

Each day I do my best to allow time for just Mr. Wonderful.  Often it's after the little children are in bed and the teenagers have retreated to their rooms to do whatever it is that teenagers do homework.  Usually, the kitchen still needs to be cleaned and there is always a basket of laundry begging to be folded.  But I intentionally set those things aside, at least for a time, and just sit with my man.  Sometimes I rub his head or feet, we usually watch a silly show, game or repeat movie.  I choose to sit on the couch with him although the recliner is usually my preference.  I just want him to know that he is important.  He is my priority and and I value our relationship. 

What do you do to connect with those you love?  Is it hard to avoid the feeling that you're moving in the same circles but at opposite directions.  What makes you feel valued and do those in your life know that?