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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Rearranging

My room felt strange because it was obvious things had been removed.  There were empty places and assymetry which was akward.  So, last night I rearranged the furniture and cleaned out the closet and spaces that used to be his.  I was putting my photo albums in his old closet and couldn't help looking through them, which brought up a lot of emotions.

I was trying to remember the last time I felt truly happy and connected with my spouse.  I know I felt that way in the spring of 2007... it was a very joyful season and during that time our baby was conceived.  I also looked through my album of the year 2000.  Wow, what an amazing year and I was so full of hope, there were many new experiences and we moved that year, leaving behind a season of pain.  It was a wonderful time, a fresh start for us it seemed.  Of course 2004 was probably the best year of my life.  It was a year of celebration, joy, family and connection.

It's true that he and I had good times, even though our relationship crumbled to divorce.  It would be easy to lump all the pain into one statement that describes the entire time as "bad."  But it isn't true.  I don't fully understand what happened to us.  Sometimes I think I just wasn't "enough" for him and it makes me so very sad.  Mostly, I think our flaws made us incompatible and we will be healthier people alone.  I love him, yes, I still do.  I am angry that he allowed other women, other interests to invade what we may have had.  But still, I do forgive him and hope that Christ will draw my former man to Himself and fill all the holes this world has erroded in his soul.

As I rearrange my space, I'm attempting to rearrange my heart, also.  My whole life has been oriented around him that creating a new normal feels odd.  It is empowering and refreshing, but strange.  I would like to find others who have experienced this to provide input and support.