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Monday, January 24, 2011

When He Leaves

There are many ways a woman finds herself arriving at the place where her man leaves, but no matter the journey thus far - it is a pivotal, signifcant moment.  Twice my husband left, both times I asked him to go.  Still, I cannot think of anytime in my life where I felt more alone, more vulnerable and more rejected.  This is a time to be gentle with yourself.  Below is an excerpt from my journal on the night my husband left our home for the final time:

Laying alone in a bed you once shared with the person you love, the man you planned your life with and around, the father of your little ones is so isolating.  I feel uber-responsible for the three little lives harbored in our home.  As I double-checked all the locks, turned off the lights, packed bags, lunches and prepared for an easy breakfast, I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all.  I still haven't worked out a budget that balances each month.  Decisions about childcare and schedules need to be made.

The tv in our my room was taken to his place and the silence was good for me.  I was able to pray, allow my mind to wander, to imagine the making this room more my own, to visualize peace and safety in my own space.  I spoke to Christ, opened myself to His leading and prayed for common sense, wisdom, diretion and clarity.  He is with me and for me.  I'm learning that each day is a step forward and learning I don't have to have all the answers, just the next step.