Taking Care of Me

I will never forget one morning looking in the mirror one morning (2004), shortly before the birth my third child in less than four years and genuinely wondering about the reflection - Why are you this person?  It happened again in 2010 as I officially became a single mother - Who am I?   Getting to the core of my identity is what makes it possible for me to function at my best.  Learning that disappointment does not define me has allowed me to let go of the past and love my present (even when it isn't what I expected).

Motherhood is full of responsibilities, we all know this.  The title of mother is worn as a mantle that can cloak deeper passions which we feel must be put off or put away until another season of life.  Yet I'm learning that am more than someone's mother - I am a person with a world of desires, opinions, likes and dislikes.  Recognizing this does not detract from mothering, it adds dimension and flavor to the sometimes numbing cycles of daily life.

For many years, I didn't allow myself to count in the life and decisions of our family.  I didn't put myself of 'the list' and when combined with young children, a difficult marriage (then a falling apart marriage) and trying so hard to convince everyone I had it all together - well, my spirit was dying.  One of the gifts of my most painful season was learning who I am again.  Yes, for me it took losing all that I thought I was, and lots of therapy, but I'm so thankful for that work of rediscovering myself!

There are ways to honor yourself in the midst of the craziness of life and mothering demands.  Remember the things that bring you joy!  For every person, we must care for these aspects that speak to our deeper self

Spirituality - I am a follower of Christ Jesus.  I look to the Bible for instructions and find that Proverbs speak to my practical needs and Psalms validates so many of my emotions.  Worshiping in a community with others is one of my favorite parts of each week ... even when it is a challenge to get there!  We are at the core spiritual beings and ignoring this part of yourself will create a hollow-ness to all we do.

1. Emotional - Single parenting can be one of the loneliest positions.  The constant pressure of maintaining consistent discipline, instruction, sole caretaking duty which we measure against the seeming perfections of Facebook and Pinterest can literally drain the one who bears the responsibility.  Sharing this struggle, even with one trusted person makes my load so much easier.  We need to hear that it's going to be alright, things won't always be this tough, others struggle, too.  If you find yourself depressed without reason, reach out for help.
2. Physical - I hate to add to the "take care of yourself" crowd by mentioning exercise...but the truth is that we need it.  I find a walk, jog, video or rousing game to tag helps my perspective in many ways.  I also like to surround myself with things I love...for me that means photos, candles, lovely things that have memories.
3. Relational - Find your people, People.  If you have supportive family, embrace them.  If you don't, get real with friends and let them see the real you.  Let your children know that you value friendship and family by making them a priority in your own life.  Step out and invite someone over or get a group together for dinner downtown.  It's easy to isolate as a single parent - it is the natural way, so fight hard against the tendency and reach out to someone.
4. Practically - Remember the things you love.  Do you enjoy going outdoors?  When do you feel creative?  What did you want to be as a little girl?  Is there something in that you can embrace as a grown woman?  When I quit living for others and learned to appreciate my own quirky ways, I became a whole lot more comfortable with myself. 

You are valuable and worth knowing.  Get to know yourself and give yourself permission to enjoy something just for you today.  You are worth it and it enables you to be your best self for those who are depending on you.

I'm linking up here today.  Is there something you can do THIS WEEK to appreciate your fabulous self?

April Showers



We've had a lot of rain in my part of the country.  The early spring has been damp, cold and well - endless. 

Each time the sunshine peeked through, it was quickly gone again, overwhelmed by the gloom. 

Logically, I knew the spring season would come, but practically it felt very far away.  Three children in coats who have been huddled in the house far too long are bursting to get outdoors. 

This week, we have had several days strung together with sunshine and warmish temperatures.  It was followed by another day of constant rain.  And today, once again - sunshine!  The temperature is forecast to go up every single day for the next week and perhaps, spring has sprung.

I know there have been days in my journey through divorce and single motherhood where it felt like the sunshine would never return.  Just when something good seemed to be coming, another setback would move onto the scene obscuring my hope. 

It would have been so much easier to endure those dark and challenging days if I had known what my future held.  If I had known that I would know what it means to be loved and cherished, then bearing the loneliness would have been easier.  If I had known that I would eventually earn enough to not dread each trip to the grocery store, it would have made those days of doing without feel more temporary.  I wish I had known that conflict wasn't going to be part of my daily existence forever, then discouragement would not have been such a constant companion.

There is so much we cannot know about the future.  I had faith, small on some days but consistently there, that we would eventually thrive.  I learned to take hold of so many little joys in my most trying days.  And now I do know, deep and surely that when the clouds gather and it rains on my soul for weeks on end, a new life is coming.  The cold dampness which threatens to last forever will not win.

 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1-2 

I am no longer naïve to think dark days will not be part of this continuing life journey - yet, I am more confident that ever that the darkness will not be the lasting part of my story.  Do you get overwhelmed by your present circumstances?  Can you look back and see how you made it through the dark days to something better?  What storm are you currently facing? 

I'm Not Sure How It Happened...

Photo Source: BUSINESS OBJECTS © Anatoliy Babiychuk

I love to write.  I crave outdoor activities like gardening and hiking.  I love acting and reading.  In college, I studied communications.  But in real life I've become a numbers nerd.  My work is in bookkeeping and I daily spend time in a spreadsheet.  My life as a single mother has forced me to be practical and precise in my finances.  I hear and read a lot about what others are saying and so I thought I would add my voice to the noise.  I doubt you will hear anything new, but I promise what you hear will be from real-life experience!

So, let me know if you've mastered the master plan of budgeting.  Do you have any questions?  Are there any topics that you would like to hear how we've managed?  Let's share together! 

White Lace & Promises

While my mother was recently in town for a visit, I took the opportunity to have her opinion while

source: Joanne Fleming

trying on wedding dresses.  The truth is, I'm intimidated by bridal stores.  I feel too old to being trying on a princess gown.  Too broke for anything couture.  Perhaps as a second-time-bride, I feel like I shouldn't get to wear white again or celebrate love that is supposed to last forever.  So with my mother in tow for moral support, we hit several shops. 

What I thought I would like, felt silly when I tried it on.  After several where I felt like I was wearing a costume, I opened my mind to new options.  Then, I actually started having fun!

I can tell that I have been budget-minded for many years because when I think of spending money on a wedding dress, I keep thinking, "I could buy a really cool computer for that amount."  or "That would pay for childcare for xx number of weeks." 

So, the wedding planning is in full swing - as it should be for a special day less than four months from now (yikes!).  Yet I'm trying to keep a larger perspective.  The dress, the flowers, the food will all disappear.  The marriage and memories will last forever and that is where I want my focus to be. 

I'd love a grand production as much as the next bride, but I know the grand gift is in the day to day not the one-day event. 

Simply Complicated

I feel deep joy today, along with some anxiety.  At one time I thought these emotions cancelled each other out, one couldn't exist alongside the other.  Embracing both has been essential to becoming authentic as I walk through life.  My all or nothing thinking of the past led me to box myself up and not explore the complexities of life.  Growth is so good!

Becoming the second wife to the man I adore is full of such strange mixed emotions.  Because I love Mr. Wonderful, and his darling girls, I regret that the pain of divorce entered their world.  Yet that fact is what opened the door for me to know and love them in the first place.  Do you understand the complexity?  Because he was happy in his first marriage for many years, I sometimes wonder if I will bring him the same level of joy.  Yet the very fact that he enjoyed unity, kinship, committed and lasting love bodes well that he will enjoy the same with me.  Again, the paradox!

I cannot wait until I get to spend my days and nights together.  Our rental house has never truly felt like home and I tend to avoid being alone there.  Yet I sometimes worry about adjusting to moving into the home and space of another family.  How will they feel about integrating my stuff?  Will I feel like an intruder?  It would be easy for resentments to build.  Yet I know being with him is like being home.  I'm content in his space and his presence.

Talking about these things helps to bring my concerns into the open.  Often they are diffused with simple solutions.  I can't wait for all my most important people to be under one roof.  Yet I know the next season carries lots of transitions for each of us.  I think as long as we keep communicating, keep celebrating the good in the midst of the new and challenging, that we will grow and learn together. 

It's exciting, new territory!

Moody Monday

This Monday after time change is always challenging.  Last night, it felt early so I didn't go to bed till after 11 pm ... and then the alarm at 5:40 am felt terribly early!  But she survived and everyone made it home.  Mr. Wonderful and I had some extra time alone this weekend.  My mother is in town and acted as babysitter while we went on a date!  It felt special and while our conversation was heavy at times, it was deep and necessary and good.

Here are my weekend highlights:

• We had the first day of 2013 that we could go outside without jackets.
• My parents arrived for an extended visit.
• Date night with Mrs. Wonderful: sharing fears and discussing the future, close bonding time.
• Church and showing my parents where we worhsip.
• Early morning snuggles with my firstborn.
• Shopping for a wedding dress with my mother!

I'll spare you the lowlights ... we had our share of that, too.  But it's the start of a new week.  Lot's of to do's and not enough energy.  That's just how I'm feeling today. 

Oh I'm Ready for Spring!

I've been quiet on the blog because after such big and exciting news on my last post, I just don't have too much that can top it!  We've enjoyed receiving so many congratulations from friends far and near...even a couple that just heard the news this week.  I'm grateful for so many who are happy for us.

The past three (yes, three!) weeks have turned the dreamy into the practical as we work out budget, plan for merging our families into one living space, discuss style of wedding, guests, etc.  It's been a very practical season of working together.  It means alot to me that Mr. Wonderful continues to move the process forward and stay involved.  He's so cute, asking "What needs to happen next?"  So we are taking the necessary steps and moving forward on all fronts.

At home I have been talking a lot about when we will live with our 'almost family.'  That's what my daughter calls them...she keeps talking like SHE is the one getting married!  They have had some interesting concerns and thoughts, which I'm hoping to share.

But mostly life continues along with the routines and requirements of usual: school.  homework.  bills.  job.  laundry.  always laundry.  Recently, I have been reminding myself that I will miss some things about this time.  Even in this season of life which I would never choose - there have been treasures.

My parents are coming to town for an extended visit.  I look forward to the extra set of hands to get on top of spring cleaning, more purging/organizing and companionship.  I've missed writing and hearing from readers.  Has spring arrived in your part?  Do you see any hints of it around the corner?

If you can't read the picture, My first grade daughter wrote about her family back in December. She listed Mr. Wonderful as her stepdad and his daughters as her sisters.  Her Daddy's significant other's children are included with her siblings.  I'm thankful that she can integrate these close people into her family.  You can also see the way she has drawn home: Ours, a house, and her Daddy's, a condo in multi-level units.  So interesting what you can learn about her thoughts form her drawing!