Before & After

On the day of my divorce, I burned personal
letters and cards that no longer had value because I deemed
the words insincere and irrelevant to my future.  

I was driving through the mountains on a road I hadn't traveled on in about three years.  Prior to that, I was there often.  It was a short ten minutes from my previous home, and yet now there is a more direct route to the mountains that I take.  Being back on this road, once so familiar and routine, now felt uncertain and I lost my bearings.  I missed a turn.  I couldn't remember the way to a landmark.  I was disoriented.  I felt unsure of myself in a place where once I was the expert.

That is often how I feel about the circumstances in my life.  Once, I felt so sure, so certain that each next step was the right one.  I professed faith, and yet every decision was made with my own calculation and prediction.  I could not have imagined how completely life has shifted from that time "before" the divorce that was final five years ago this week.  I remember how completely disoriented and unsure I felt about my future.  Filing for divorce was the greatest act of faith I had taken up to that point in my life.  I well-remember the sense that God was asking me to choose Him and let go of trying to gain security in a man who struggled with his own issues.

Even years later, I still grieve that ideal family that I spent my early life imagining.  I never considered that it might not remain intact.  My younger-woman-self could not believe that the man I chose might not always choose me.  I didn't realize how significantly that choice would affect the children, even under the best of circumstances.

 

Naively, I thought that the removal of my ex-husband from our home would remove his influence from my life.  I had been told that I was trading one kind of problems for another kind of problems, but now I understand what that means as it plays out in daily life:

• I don't wonder about who my husband is with, I worry about who is sharing time with my children.
• I don't stress about impressing my family at holidays, I stress about holidays without some of my favorite people.
• I don't argue over how to spend our income, I worry over whether child support will always be paid.

Anger doesn't end after divorce.  Hurt doesn't disappear.  My experience as a parent is radically transformed, as is the experience of childhood by the little ones exposed to two homes.  Divorce is the doorway that ends one kind of family, but opens into another kind.  The new life provides much more control over my personal life, and much less control over the lives of my children.  That was explained to me, but I didn't understand it until I lived it firsthand.  It is a humbling and difficult challenge.

And yet, the life during and after divorce has been my most rich living thus far.  I looked around and discovered a whole different tribe of people who were there for me.  I saw with my own eyes how the Lord provides and comforts.  I experience the peace of living in truth at home and elsewhere.  I am more confident in Him than I could have been without the painful journey of divorce.

Mr. Wonderful and I snuck up to the mountains last weekend.
We are headed back tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel disconnected from the person I was before.  I miss the sense of history to share with my spouse.  At the same time, I feel so much more free to be my true self that I can hardly remember the sense of uncertainty, fear and bondage in which I lived for so many years.  I am loved more wholly and more sacrificially by a man who demonstrates with his life, not just his words, that he is committed to me.

The exact season which I feared may destroy me, is the very moment when I witnessed the greatest of miracles.  Surely, five years ago I could not predict where life has brought me.  How I wonder what the next five years might hold?  As I was then, I am confident that God goes before me and my children,.  He will work His way for good and I rest in His security.

I am not the person I was before.  I am not only this life that is after.

 I am before and after. 

Have you experienced any before & after events in life?

Other times I written about my divorce experience:

It's Good, But It's Not The Same (and that's okay)
One Year Later
Is Divorce Wrong?
The "Christian Divorce Advocate"

Mom Selfies

When is the last time you were so joyful that you burst into uninhibited laughter or a smile?

Everyday, I fight for a little bit of time for just me.  Sometimes I use that time to go to bed early or read.  Often I get outdoors alone and run or walk in our gorgeous natural landscape.  Rarely, I indulge in a movie or Netflix.  But I've learned to fight for it because for years I lost me in the survival mode of motherhood and wifedom.  

Motherhood is a high and noble calling - I think there may be none greater.  Yet it is only one role in our lives and in order to serve well, we must nourish ourselves, too.  It's easy to overlook self and sacrifice all for others, but that is not healthy nor required.  We aren't doing any favors when we neglect our people's most valuable resource - Mom!

A dose of nature always brings me joy!

In light of this, I would like to see a movement for more Mom Selfies.  Just you - no children, no friends or partners - just mom.  It can be a moment when you feel great or when you feel defeated.  Maybe the only self care you get is your time brushing your teeth, but even that can be embraced.  Let's do better.  Let's work to find what kindles the spark in our eyes...we recognize it in our children, and you are just as worthy of that kind of joy.  

On Facebook or Instagram, Twitter or wherever you like to share, tag #MomSelfie or #MomCare so we can celebrate with you.  Just do it for fun!

You Are Part of Your Story

In Life, You Count!

Life Lately

We've been busy with extended family for the past couple of weeks.  We're grateful for lot of people who love us well.

 

If it looks like all this blended-family-ness is bliss, let me assure you that it is not.  This week has included frustrating schedules, difficult sleeping arrangements (house with 9 people and three dogs is not conducive to relaxation), tight deadlines, a toddler-like tantrum and quite a bit of sass.  Middle school is still creating anxiety, budgets are still tight and there are many things that pull us in different directions.  So, yes, we truly are "Far From Flawless!" But we are still appreciating all the good and trusting that the difficult will be used to grow and mature us.  And I love the special relationships witnessed in these photos!

How do you take a moment to remember the blessings in the middle of the challenges?

Do You Understand What Enabling Is? It Can Look A Lot Like Love.

My wonderful husband is an ideal counterpart to me in so many ways.  Recently, he pointed out that I have a tendency to spoil our pets, especially one little runt puppy, to his frustration.  This little guy is so tiny and I do admit to adoring his little, needy soul.  I dote on him, carry him around and give into his little whines for attention.  And so while I'm gone from the house and Mr. Wonderful is hard at work in his at-home office, this little dog begs for his attention and follows him around whining.  It drives Mr. Wonderful a little crazy and we call this pup incurably co-dependent.  He gets so forlorn and can't seem to handle being alone.

My mama tendencies lean toward the same with my children.  In my desire to protect them from difficult things, I have shielded them from consequences of their own negative choices.  Those choices continued unchecked and so now correcting them is absolutely necessary - and so much more difficult because habits have been formed.  The behavior is more challenging to change, because it has been allowed for so long.  I wasn't doing my children any favors by shielding them.  In fact, I was enabling them continue in a negative way.

Enabling is a rich concept and entire books have been written on the subject.  My simple, working definition is shielding someone from the consequences of their choices or doing something for someone which they are capable of doing themselves.  Both aspects stifle maturity, but lately I've been working on the consequences side, which has required discipline and awareness on both my part and the part of my children.

I've had to identify each child's ingrained wrong habit - usually an attitude, followed by words and behavior - and point it out to the child.  Then, repeatedly point it out because the habit has become so ingrained that it happens multiple times each day.  Now, I am at the point of instigating consequences.  It is not fun, for them or for me.  I don't like being the one to mete out bad news and point out shortcomings and I have avoided it in the past.  But that very avoidance has cleared the way for their poor behaviors to continue unchecked.

What I'm learning, is that the real discipline is keeping myself in check, being consistent and willing to do the unlikable thing.  It's tough holding a child accountable each time poor behavior is exhibited when it happens multiple times each day.  It's not fun being the main police parent.

But I am doing it because I am living the example of what happens when I let the poor behavior slide...when I believe that magical maturity will happen and the child will self-correct.  It doesn't even make sense when I type it out!  So, it's worth it to conquer these challenges now.  I will be the bad guy for a few weeks now in order to develop better character in the years to come.  They are so worth it.  I want to parent intentionally, not just avoid the more difficult parts.

My greatest frustrations come when I haven't taken the time to train my children by telling them what I expect and following through with consequences.  In this season of discipline, for me and for them, my goal to establish better habits now rather than kick the can down the road and deal with greater, potentially worse consequences later.

As a step parent, my Mr. Wonderful has a more hands-off role in this kind of discipline.  He backs me up, directs the children and follows through with established rules.  He helps me discern what is trivial and what necessitates setting boundaries.  He gently points out my inconsistencies, where the children are likely frustrated and confused.  Most of all, he supports me.  He encourages me and helps me see the greater goal beyond one frustrating moment.  I'm so grateful for him.  During my single mom years, I was often too weary and lacked the emotional strength for the discipline battle.  Because of Mr. Wonderful, I'm now able to step up in the parenting role and my children will be better for it.

Please, someone tell me you have faced a similar battle?  Where do you find the emotional support to remain consistent and firm, but kind?

Stepping Back so He Can Step Up - sometimes I try to control, too!

There are some great reminders about mothering here.

A great reminder for why it's worth it!

I Raised An Addict - the comments are heart-wrenching.

Are You Time-Starved?

Recently, I was prompted to consider how I spend most of my time.  So, I broke down the hours in a week and arrived at the following approximation:

• 56 hours -  Sleep + Night Time Routines 
• 32 hours - Work outside the home
• 24 hours - Parenting hands-on: homework, reading, crafts, play, family activities
• 12 hours - Taxi service (wow, more than I realized!)
• 12 hours - Household Tasks: Cleaning, meals, laundry, grocery shopping, animal care, etc.
• 12 hours - Self Care: exercise, getting ready, reading, prayer, journaling
• 6 hours - Church
• 5 hours - Intentional Relationships: dates with hubby, one-on-one with a child, lunch w/ friend
• 9 hours - Entertainment, Fun, Margin
• Total 168

Obviously, I value my sleep!  And while I don't have a great passion for my daily office job, I'm grateful for the way it supports my other values.  I didn't realize how much time I spend in the car - that's a lot!  I was surprised at the 9 hours of margin, because it often feels like I don't have a minute of extra time in my days.  Also, I noticed some things were difficult to categorize because there is significant overlap.  For example, parenting often happens among the household tasks as we go through our daily rhythms.  

For the most part, I feel like my time reflects my values.  Removing sleep, I spend the majority of time investing in the lives of my family and building up our home.  This aligns with my main purpose for this season of my life.  The time listed above doesn't display the undercurrent of spirituality that weaves through each activity.  Still, I see some areas where I would like to make adjustments.

Time is such a valuable resource.  In a family where children move between two homes, it becomes even more important to make good use of our time together.  It means those hours spent taxi-ing little bodies to school and activities are valuable minutes to invest in their hearts.  For this reason, we have a standing "no devices in the car" rule with rare exceptions.  I have to be cautious not to make all our time task-oriented (chores/homework) and focus on fun and relationship-building, too.

Have you thought about the way you spend your time?  Making a list of priorities is different that living by priorities.  If you tally your weekly hours and compare them to your list of life values, how does it measure against your ideal?  Are there changes that need to be made?  

Please know that we all spend a great deal of time simply performing the functions of life: sleep, chores, earning income.  I do not mean to induce any kind of guilt for the way anyone chooses to spend their time.  I truly found value in identifying the way I spend my time.  I found greater worth in the mundane tasks of housekeeping and commutes when I realized they built up the value of contributing to my family.  If you tally up your hours and find it doesn't match your priorities, ask yourself: 

1. Are you mistaken about your priorities?
2. Do you have less control over your own schedule than you would like?
3. How can I begin to shift my time to match my values?

Our time and and our bank account often reveal our true values.  If the reality doesn't match what we say or want to be true, then it's time to look for ways to make our goals line up with our actual life.  Take a little step today and share what you choose to do in order to take control.  I'd love to hear from you in the comments or on instagram.      

I Would Try to Escape, Wouldn't You?

The sad but real images of little children and others who died as refugees have forced all of us with hearts to catch our collective breath.  When I see him face down in the water, I see my own child and no matter how I try to hold them back, tears come.  This is the alarm bell in my soul to look further, to not turn away and avoid, but to find a way to engage and ask, "God, what is mine to do?"

I want to bring a family to my home to help them start fresh.  I want to put my arms around a mother who is scared for the future of her family.  I want to serve meals to nourish weary bodies and speak hope into questioning hearts.  I want my children to play with those children and connect across culture and language barriers.  I want to provide a simple, lasting solution that wraps up tragedy with a story of redemption.  I want that grieving father to know his children matter because they have opened all our eyes in a way that only a child can do.

There are still children in danger and mothers, fathers...people desperate enough to risk everything for a new chance.  I know that feeling that prompts abandoning every plan I thought I had for my life and trying something entirely new.  My physical well-being was not in jeopardy and I didn't have to launch out into a boat, but I didn't always know how my needs would be met and I had to make decisions about my children that were less than ideal.  I know the grit from which are choices are made and the determination to push through obstacles for the hope of a better life.

May they find it.  May these refugees find life more abundant and provision from we who have more.  I will send shoes and blankets to cover at least a few.  I will send my own boys' shirts and shorts and pray they stay dry on the journey.  I will pray that the crisis is relieved by those whose hearts know redemption in Christ.  May His name find its way to your soul as the true Rescuer.

AND, I will look in my own community at those who are in need.  I will seek to be the hands and the feet of Christ here.  I will ask my children if there are any at school who don't have something needed. Already, my daughter said she has a friend who wears the same thing to school each day.  Maybe she needs clothing?  Maybe she just has a favorite outfit?  We don't know when we don't reach out, engage and become aware of those in our midst.  Do you see the ones others may pass over?  Open our eyes, Lord, to the ones you want us to see.  Open our hearts to what is mine to do.

Defend the weak and the fatherless;

    uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.

4 

Rescue the weak and the needy;

    deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

Psalm 82:3-4

After School Routines and a Homework Station

I posted a photo on Instagram last week of my middle school guy working on his homework.  My friend commented, "Middle School ain't no joke" and she couldn't be more right!  I'm thankful to say that we are in a better grove as we move further into the school year and I wanted to share what is helpful to us, especially when dealing with ADHD, medications, routines and distraction.

Simple Homework Station Catered to the Distracted Child:
K.I.S.S.- Keep it simple, sister. The less there is to distract, the better.  A wide work space also seems to help.

• pencils & sharpener
• desk light (remove this if it become a fixation)
• stapler & three-hole-punch
• binder, paper and study material
• student dictionary
• water

That is seriously it. 

The load of homework is significantly more than he was used to and so it has been an adjustment for both of us.  I'm so grateful that Mr. Wonderful steps in to assist when my patience begins to dissipate.

What helps us the most is a routine: We take a short "Brain Break" after school then start working before dinner, one subject at a time.  When I was young, I was challenged to tackle the most difficult item first.  But with my young man, I find greater success ticking off a few of the easier items first.  Then, with a sense of accomplishment, he faces the hard stuff.

Because my children move between two homes and I co-parent with their dad, it has been vital to have accountability in both locations.  Similar expectations and communication are necessary in both homes.  Dad and me communicate regularly about homework, trends we see and skills which need work.

I shared our summer Screen Time Considerations and soon I will share how we have shifted things for the school year.  We're still working out a few tweaks, so I want to be realistic.  Below are some more ideas about homework.  Do you have methods to make things smooth?

Study Skills for Middle School lays the foundation for learning into the future.

I loved these Homework Tips from an Ex-Tutor.

I like this gal's plan, even though her children are younger than mine.