I rarely splurge on a steak, but my little ones love them and so I splurged at the grocery store and grilled two steaks this evening. They all gobbled up their bites and asked for seconds while I read our evening story during dinner. I waited till they were in bed to savor mine but it was a bit of a let down.
M used to grill delicious, juicy, perfectly-flavored steaks and this one was good but didn't satisfy quite like I expected. It made me think of so many of the things in my life now it seem- good, but very different from what I expected.
I have wonderful, amazing children.
I work in a progressive office with people who treat me with respect.
My church is amazing and I love being involved there.
My family is supportive and encouraging.
I know without doubt that God is active and working on my behalf, providing for us.
Still there is an empty space where I thought my love would be reciprocated. I planned on a companion for the time when the children sleep and the house is quiet. I imagined a partner for the struggles of budgets and homework, repairs and parenting. I do not feel alone, but do feel lonely.
Many days I shove the thoughts of being alone to the bottom of my busy soul. Most of the time I'm so active that I don't have to acknowledge there is still a hurting place. Today, I want to be gentle to that part of me with dreams that are dashed and hope lost. I don't want to deny that I've lost much and am still grieving. It helps me to know that I won't feel this way forever, already the ache is so much less raw and I do have hope that time will continue to heal the hurts of betrayal.
When I admit my grief, I'm honoring the very real love and commitment that existed in my marriage. It wasn't easy cast aside or thoughtlessly replaced. My love was real, strong, heartfelt and powerful.