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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Realization

I was almost asleep last night when I just couldn't believe that I will actually be unmarried.  I will no longer own the status of wife.  How very, very strange it feels.  I don't know it if it feels bad, sad, mostly just strange and unknown, with all of those other emotions stirred in a bit.  It is a recipe for change, no doubt, and change is scary for me. 

I'm trying to remain focused on what I know, what hasn't changed.  My life is owned by Christ and even in this journey of divorce, I'm seeking to live in a way that honors Him.  Is that even possible?  At one time, I would have piously decreed that yes, it is impossible to be serving Christ and seeking divorce - the two were incompatible in my human mind.  I've become much less willing to disperse judgement upon walking through the difficult valleys of the past years.  I know what grace I need, I am aware of my great lack in godliness.  My confidence is eroded and I can only throw myself on Christ, begging for His mercy and care of myself and little ones.  It's true - I may seem resolute, but I daily question the integrity of my own choices.

Today I remain on this path, feeling it is the one set before me.  However, I am aware that I may be wrong, or God may ask me to change and I want to be willing to do as He asks.  He is with me and for me, then whom shall I fear?