I was almost asleep last night when I just couldn't believe that I will actually be unmarried. I will no longer own the status of wife. How very, very strange it feels. I don't know it if it feels bad, sad, mostly just strange and unknown, with all of those other emotions stirred in a bit. It is a recipe for change, no doubt, and change is scary for me.
I'm trying to remain focused on what I know, what hasn't changed. My life is owned by Christ and even in this journey of divorce, I'm seeking to live in a way that honors Him. Is that even possible? At one time, I would have piously decreed that yes, it is impossible to be serving Christ and seeking divorce - the two were incompatible in my human mind. I've become much less willing to disperse judgement upon walking through the difficult valleys of the past years. I know what grace I need, I am aware of my great lack in godliness. My confidence is eroded and I can only throw myself on Christ, begging for His mercy and care of myself and little ones. It's true - I may seem resolute, but I daily question the integrity of my own choices.
Today I remain on this path, feeling it is the one set before me. However, I am aware that I may be wrong, or God may ask me to change and I want to be willing to do as He asks. He is with me and for me, then whom shall I fear?