I don't like the fact that my children move between two homes. It disrupts their schedules and creates tension on transition days. I see the anxiety levels rise as they attempt to gather what they need and want or get frustrated when things are left in their other home. Their dad and I work hard to combat and minimize the struggle, but it is a reality that we know will impact them. It is an ever-present aspect of their lives that will define their concept of "home" forever.
As a parent, there is tension, anxiety and frustration for me, too.
Sometimes, I strive to have exceptionally wonderful moments during the hours prior to their departure. This is unrealistic and adds pressure to both myself and the children.
I am tempted to make their lives easier in our home by requiring fewer chores, less responsibility and providing fewer boundaries. This doesn't do them any favors and results in entitled children. Eventually, I resent that they expect me to do everything for them.
It feels like the angst builds closer and closer to pickup time and so there are some things I've learned in the seven + years that I've been co-parenting.
·
No Suitcase Required! Having all the necessary gear at two homes is
the ideal. Children are not visitors and
need a sense of ownership and belonging in both locations. Stress increases dramatically when there is a
need to cart clothing, hygiene supplies, games, toys and more between two
locations. Some things do have to go
back and forth (homework, personal devices or a stuffed animal), but these can be minimized.
·
Avoid big chores on transition day. Early in the process, I used to make leaving
a time to straighten, organize and get everything in order so that the children
would return to a comfortable room and space.
This only created stress prior to them leaving and they dreaded it. Now we take care of major chores the day
before transition, and they just keep up the day to day things. If it’s messy when they leave, it’s messy
when they get home…and no one seems to care much.
·
Keep a space available for items
that need to move between homes. We don't pack suitcases, but we do have
to transport backpacks, school papers and the occasional uniform or
device. Having a designated spot
alleviates the mad dash at the door while dad is waiting.
·
Separation anxiety extends beyond
the toddler years and in the shuffle between homes, some personalities are more
prone than others to agitation that they cannot yet articulate. Knowing that the tension during the
back-and-forth is normal, can help you adjust expectations accordingly. This isn’t the time for life lessons. Correct only what is essential and aim to bid
farewell on a positive note.
·
Separation anxiety happens for
parents, too, but your anxiety will escalate theirs. Calm down because your calm presence provides
the perspective they need and will adopt.
It is essential that your children do not feel responsible for your
feelings or worry about you while you are apart. Let them know if you have plans
or how you will fill the time. You are
the grown up. You have just been given a
block of time without childcare responsibilities. Use it work, for self care, for home maintenance
or whatever. Keep your perspective
positive and treat the time you have as a gift.
·
Keep goodbye simple, sweet and in advance. Do not prolong the farewell or require
superficial affection prior to departure. Be relaxed, upbeat and keep it
enjoyable. A quick hug and kiss is just
fine. Let them know you are available if
they need you, but give them the freedom to head out to their other family and
enjoy time there, as well. Long, heartfelt goodbyes will make your child feel guilty about leaving you.
·
Create a schedule and keep it as
consistent as possible. Kids like to
know what to expect and it will instill security. Predictability is your friend in the sometimes chaotic lives of co-parenting families. Be simple and positive at send-off.
Transitions while co-parenting are
unavoidable and inevitable. They are
part of the normal patchwork and life for some children. I have found that keeping the transition as
low-key as possible it best. We try to
make the switch as uneventful as possible and normalize the back and forth. There is a specific need for peace in these families.
I love speaking with older kids who
have gone through the process and have more perspective. One girl told me it feels, “So unbelievably
normal. I couldn’t imagine not going between homes, especially now
that my dad has my brothers. And of
course, my mom is my mom!” She went on
to say, “If you start when you’re little, it’s no big deal. If not, you still get used to it.” It's sobering to grasp that something that seems so out of ordinary to me will be the status quo for many children.
Obviously, most children and teens eventually find a way to cope with the movement between two homes. But we cannot deny the real pressure and triggers that are involved. As parents, we take on the duty to make these transitions as simple, low stress as possible. Ultimately, transition days are not about me. My gift is to smooth the process where I can and help my children cope with the drawbacks. While they are gone, I get to take care of me and enjoy some freedom from the pressing responsibilities of childcare.
