From a Complete Mess (with lots of stress) to a Content Miss (with room to bless!)

It all seemed to come to a head one July day when I received a call that my 3-month-old was on his way to the hospital in an ambulance, having what seemed to be a seizure. My husband had left the month prior, along with his paycheck and health benefits. I was working a limited 15 hours per week as a newly singled mama with three children age 0, 2 and 3 years.

Things were bad. I was concerned about my smallest prince in the ambulance ahead, but at the same time I was wondering, “Was it really necessary to call an ambulance?”

My tiny baby did have a seizure, but he recovered to be just fine (thank you, Lord) and my marriage did fail. But the tools learned in that season are priceless ones that keep working to this day.

I entered a new season of life as a single mother. I was able to increase my work hours and thereby increase my income, but still remained part time for the sake of my young children. On my limited income, I learned four keys for budgeting:

1. Eliminate All But the Necessary

The cable was cut off. The home phone gone and only a limited cell plan put in place.
We didn’t participate in extra-curricular activities (soccer, gymnastics) and I made no commitments to anything that would incur a monthly bill. None.  I even canceled trash pickup and obtained permission to take our bags to a nearby church dumpster. I was brutal in eliminating bills.

2. Maximize What You Have

We made good use of our internet service and PBS for entertainment. We purged and sold items of value. The cash for an unused vehicle was more useful than the vehicle in storage. I adjusted my payroll withholding to make the most of each monthly check.
I paid all our bills at the first of the month: Tithe, Mortgage, Power, Water, Phone, Insurance. Then I lived on what was left. Often that meant not going places in order to save gas and stretching meals in creative ways.

3. Get Real and Get Savvy

I had to be realistic about myself in this season. I wasn’t one who could spend $40 on a manicure or a night out with the girlfriends. Instead, I learned all the “Kid’s Nights” to the local restaurants and it was a real treat for our little family of four to venture out every now and then. 

I asked for help at our church with AWANA fees and accepted help at Christmastime when it was offered. This was humbling, but I recognized God taking care of us in these practical acts of kindness. 

I learned that we could have fun and live well with much less than I once thought. Yes, my definition of living well shifted, but it was a relief to not compete to measure up in the ways I once thought were important.

4. Give A Little, Live A Lot

You may notice Tithe was at the top of my expense list. It wasn’t always so, but I believe it is essential to demonstrate trust with more than words and so I committed once again to tithing. I have never regretted that decision. 

I also become aware of so much we didn’t need and donated much to our local Habitat For Humanity Rehome store. The children all learned to love sharing and passing to others the things we no longer needed.

Our gifts were small, but I hope to instill the joy of giving in my little ones. We all treasure experiences more than our stuff these days.

In order to make our life work on a small budget, I was forced to account for every dollar in the door. It became a priority for me to not only exist but to begin saving.

As the children grew and entered into the public school system, our childcare costs ticked slowly downward and I was able to expand our budget to include small vacations and a gifts fund. When we wanted to spend on something extra, I knew right away whether it would be smart.

The second great lesson was that saying “yes” to one thing always meant saying “no” to something else. Knowing my limitations forced me to be clear about my priorities and taught me deep joy and pride in making it alone.

I’m so thankful the leanest days are behind me, yet I am daily grateful for the treasures found in the hardship.

Originally posted on Money Saving Mom (10/22/13).

Weekend Fun

My mother is here to visit and it's our first time to have a houseguest now that we are living as a blended family.  It's sure to be loud and messy and fun.  I'm hoping to visit the pumpkin patch and the Smoky Mountains.  I'm probably hoping for too much!  But we'll enjoy each other and soak up the grandmothering.  We sure miss her!

Our families likes to watch movies - and lately I just haven't been all that impressed!  So we are looking forward to November when there are some anticipated releases: Catching Fire

At the end of the month, Monsters U will be released on DVD.  I'm the only one in the family who hasn't seen it yet.  I can't wait!

I love the weekend, but this one isn't going to feel like much downtime.  The children are on "Fall Break."  We get a four-day weekend.  We never had fall break when I was in school, did you?

Be sure to take note of the 'wise' things your child says and share with Campbells!

The tooth fairy has been to our house THREE times this week!  It's crazy!  My oldest boy is growing too fast and the high school girls are busy and gone so very much.  Time is just zooming by! 

Do you have any fun weekend plans?

This guy is such a cutie and seems so big right now.

Family Matters

I think it is common to imagine our grown-up family will be like our family of origin.  Or perhaps you dream it will be everything your original family was not.  For me, it was natural to assume life would continue in much the way it began: only I would trade the role of daughter and sister for that of wife and mother.  It all seemed so smooth and seamless.

And I set off on that path, or so I thought.  I checked off the squares for graduating college, getting engaged, married, etc.  The husband-wife relationship was more challenging than I expected.  I was disappointed and hurt, but remained committed and convinced that ours would be a

happy story.  Then infertility and miscarriages stole the last remnants of my idealized plan. 

The Lord eventually blessed me with three of the sweetest miracles and our family seemed to fit the ideal.  I sent a Christmas card each year with photos to prove just how 'perfect' we were.  But the reality was so different.  The family I portrayed was not the family I had and that façade cannot be maintained forever.  The betrayal and failure of my marriage was the end of all I once believed my family would be.

I was a single mother.  And I learned there were gifts in what I thought would be the end of me.  This style of family suited me more than I expected and I found true contentment.  Yet I still had ideas of what I dreamed for my family.

So now I'm in a new season of blended family-hood.  Thankfully, I didn't have many expectations which has limited any potential for disappointment.  There are seven very distinct personalities with different histories ways of relating that are working to mesh in one home.  Often I'm not sure whether the teenage girl retreating to her room is just a need to be alone or a statement of how she feels about me.  I can't tell if the whiny acting out of a little boy is due to tiredness or a cry for attention.  I question whether I'm giving too much attention to my husband at the expense of my children or if I'm encroaching on the relationship he has with his daughters.  It's a very different family experience from what I've known and from what I expected. 

But here is what I know:

• We are creating memories that will become treasures (it started during our courtship).
• Each of us being stretched to more patient, less selfish and learn to live with others.
• It's okay to have different relationships with different people, even within a family.
• We all enjoy the touchpoints in our week when we connect: dinnertime and Sunday worship are my faves.
• We all love Disney movies and vintage sci fi.
• Laughter is so contagious!
• We can make our spaces work for us - even if one bedroom doesn't have a door and we have to bring extra chairs to the table.
• Home is a place where your heart feels safe, not an address.

 

Is your family today anything like what your family of origin?  Is it what you thought you would have?  Can you see the beauty in its imperfection?

Elisabeth Klein

When you are experiencing a difficult marriage or going through a divorce, it is a very isolating experience.  But please know you are not alone.  One person I've met* on the journey is Elisabeth Klein.  Elisabeth was married for just under nineteen years and it was a difficult relationship from the start.  As a believer, active in church and sometimes on staff, she experienced the challenges of seeking to be a godly wife while dealing with addiction and abuse in her spouse.  The marriage ended just over a year ago and Elisabeth has shared her experience in the book Unraveling: Holding on to Your Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage. 

This day, October 15, 2013, would have been her twentieth anniversary.  Elisabeth freely shared from the questions I asked her.  I hope her story brings comfort to anyone feeling alone today.

Could you  provide a brief summary of your experience in ministry and then how your church dealt with the difficulties in your marriage, your feelings about their handling of the divorce and their releasing you - what did that mean in your opinion?
  
My ex-husband and I attended one church for the entirety of our marriage.  I was on staff twice, and held various leadership positions, even starting and leading the women’s ministry for ten years.  I kept our marriage problems largely to myself, which was one of my biggest regrets.  

When I shared some initial concerns early in our marriage with some church people, though I received some very good advice, I also received advice that should be given to wives in struggling marriages, not to wives in abusive or addiction-fraught marriages.  Taking this advice continued our downward cycle for about a dozen years.

However, how our reconciliation attempt was handled was nothing short of a miracle.  We had a team of literally ten people around us, praying for us, encouraging us, supporting us, giving us counsel.  It was the best possible situation for where we were at the time, and I will never forget or be able to repay the people who poured their lives into ours during that crazy-hard stretch.

Do you feel your faith and the evangelical church dynamic impacted your ability to navigate the difficult marriage and divorce process?

Yes, but in some odd and contradictory ways.  I stayed for so long for a million reasons, but one was that I felt I absolutely could not leave without some kind of spiritual loss that would impact me for the rest of my life.  I was terrified to end my marriage.  Also, given the advice I was given early on perpetuated some faulty thinking on my part, and so I didn’t even consider that abuse was a part of the picture until much too late.  However, on the other hand, towards the end, I felt that I basically had this small community walking me gently toward the end of my marriage, though none of us knew it was going to end that way at the time.  It was really a beautiful thing that I think most people who aren’t involved in the intimacy of  a church would never have been able to experience.

Can you describe the sense of isolation that you faced in projecting a seemingly 'together' marriage while dealing with hidden turmoil?  

I blame myself for keeping things in as long as I did.  As I mentioned, I was leading the women’s ministry.  I felt I had to be an example to the other women of my church, and my marriage was not one for anyone to emulate so I kept it hidden.  Also, to be really honest, I loved everything about my life except my marriage, and to expose the truth meant – in my mind – that I would lose everything else that I loved. 

Keeping everything in for so long was exhausting and it took its toll on me physically.  By the time we began the reconciliation attempt, I was on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, I was having heart palpitations, eye twitches, migraines, and trouble sleeping.  I was a mess, basically!  I think that goes with anything stressful that you keep in…it will come out one way or another.  Either you work it through in healthy ways or it will leak out, hurting yourself and those around you, which it did.

How did you find courage to confront and admit the reality and were you able to discern safe people?

It all started because I went to a new counselor specifically to work on my anger issues.  I told her, “Hey, this is my life.  This is my hard marriage.  My circumstances are not going to change.  So I need you to help me not be so angry all the time.  I don’t want my kids looking back on their childhood and just remembering me as an angry woman.”  That’s when I realized there was abuse that I had been reacting to all along, and that’s when I went to my church for my final plea for help.  So I basically found the courage because I was desperate to change something in me that I finally became sick of living with – my anger.

I prayed for safe people to come around me, and they did.  On that team of ten – half of whom I barely knew when we started – I respected and trusted every single one of them.  I had been so burned up to that point.  I think, honestly, God just knew I couldn’t take that happening, so he lovingly hand-picked our support team.

How has facing your difficult marriage and experiencing divorce encouraged you to be more real in everyday living?

You can hide living in a bad marriage.  No one ever really has to know.  But you can’t really hide that your husband isn’t coming to church anymore or has moved out or that you’re looking for a new place to live, you know?  My circumstances forced me to say, “This is my life now. You may not agree with it…heck, I don’t really even agree with it…but this is me, for better or worse.”  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to start telling people how much of a mess I had actually been all those years, but I have never felt more free in my life.  Having nothing to hide is one of the best feelings in the world.  Now I just say what I’m thinking and I kind of don’t care as much anymore if people agree with me or not.  That’s not my business if someone doesn’t like me.

Are you surprised by the support or lack of it in the church and from family, friends as you journey this path?

I’ve had some people trash me online who don’t know me.  Those I can let go pretty easily.  They don’t know me and that’s much more about their issues than mine.  But I have a few people in my life who have made it clear they disapprove of me (even though I wasn’t the divorce-initiator).  That has been one of the largest heartbreaks through this whole thing: truly feeling like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, following God, following wise counsel, and then to still have people disapprove.  I still ruminate on that every once in a while.

But overall, oh my word, my friends and family have blown me away with their steadfast support.  My real friends floated up to the surface through this and they have stood by me through it all.  One even said that I could mess up everything and she wasn’t going anywhere.  That’s love.

Do you find old patterns of thought challenging to overcome? 

Absolutely.  I can get an email or text from my ex-husband and it can still sometimes send me into a tailspin and I go back to feeling like I did twenty, ten, even three years ago.  That’s going to take some time.  But even just last night, I got an email that was pretty ridiculous, and because I happened to be in a really great mood, I just wrote back two sentences, deleted it, and determined that I wasn’t going to let that steal my joy.  That was a huge victory for me.

How will you equip your children to face disappointing realities in their own life?

My sweet kids have seen more than most teenagers have seen, which breaks my heart.  They’ve seen the police at our house.  They know about addiction.  And I’ve talked to them super clearly about abuse in relationships and the different kinds, and what to do if you think you’re being abused, and how to treat other people.  So, as sad as all that is, they are pretty darn equipped with some important things that I didn’t even know until the past five years.  Plus, as I say to them every time they leave their house, “Who guards your coming and going?” (from Psalm 121) and they reply, “Jesus.”  They know some really good things now that they wouldn’t have otherwise, so I have to take comfort in that.

As you approach your former wedding anniversary, describe your perspective now versus the day you took your vows.  

The day I took my vows, I was terrified.  There was a part of me that knew we shouldn’t be getting married, but I pushed passed that.  I had no idea what I was signing on for, because certain behaviors didn’t emerge until after the wedding.  Now, as what would’ve been my twenty year anniversary is today, I just feel compassion for that young, scared girl.  She was looking for security and someone to love her and someone to love.  She wanted a lifelong partner and family.  And she wasn’t trusting God to provide her with what she was dreaming about.  It makes me sad for that naïve version of me.  And yet, I stand here now, on the other side of things.  And I am grateful for what I’ve been through.  I grew so much.  I’ve changed so much.  I don’t take things for granted like I did when I was younger.  My faith is stronger and more real.  And now, even though it does scare me to think I may be alone for the rest of my life, I now intend not to settle for security sake.  If I’m going to remarry, it needs to be a big love that can withstand our humanness. 

How is this year different from year one? year ten?  the final year you were married?  the first date to pass following the divorce?  Do you sense growth?  change of perspective?  

Year one, we really were in the honeymoon phase; it was as if all our problems and arguing dissipated.  For about nine months.  Then it was just hard for most of the rest of the time.  

Year ten, I was coming out denial and seeing some things that were really scary.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have the tools to deal with any of it, so I just kept the cycle going.

Our final married years were horrible.  The abuse and addictions were at their peak.  I was miserable and physically and emotionally exhausted.  I need to add, this entire marriage was no walk in the park for my husband either.  I was very difficult to be married to as well.

Our divorce date was bittersweet.  I still couldn’t believe this was happening and yet there was a relief that I almost didn’t know what to do with.

My one-year date post-divorce was just  a regular day, though I did get a massage.  :)  

Everything in my life has changed since my marriage has ended.  There is peace in my home.  I don’t know the last time I yelled at someone.  I am not hiding anymore.  I am figuring out who I really am.  I am still messing up and hurting other people, but there’s grace for that.  I’ve found a new church that feels like home.  And I’m free.  Not just free of my marriage, but free deep down.  It’s kind of amazing to feel that way after all those years of pain.

*Note: Elisabeth and I have only *met* online, but I would embrace her as a friend if real life every brings us together.

Elisabeth Klein is the author of Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage, speaks several times a month to women's groups, and is a member of Redbud Writers' Guild. During her time at Christ Community Church’s Blackberry Creek Campus in Aurora, Illinois she began and led their women's ministry for ten years prior to moving to the city’s Orchard Community Church. She lives with her children in Illinois. Visit her online at http://www.elisabethklein.com/difficult-marriage-divorce/ or https://www.facebook.com/ElisabethKleinCorcoran.  She is the moderator of two private Facebook groups: one for women in difficult Christian marriages, and one for Christian women who are separated or divorced. Email her at elisabethklein@gmail.com if interested in joining.

My Idea of Great Weekend

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My weekends usually include a mix of downtime, errands, cleaning, exercising and socializing.  It's true that as a working mom, much of the grunt work of managing a home gets saved for the weekend when I have more extended periods of time for getting into a project. So, I relish the idea of a whole weekend, free to do exactly as I choose while magical fairies perform those must-do tasks that usually require my attention.

So, without breaking the bank and assuming I'm staying in the area, this is my idea of a great weekend:

Friday: (After Work) Pampering and a night out - I would love to go for a massage or hair style then dress up for an evening out with Mr. Wonderful.  We could have a gourmet dinner and see a show or just wander downtown.

Saturday: Sleeping In and a slow, relaxed morning.  Sometimes this actually happens.  I love it

when we have no schedule and get to meander through our morning routine.

Getting away to the mountains - The mountains are my happy place, so getting away for a drive or hike is the perfect way to spend a few hours.

Cuddly night in - I can't think of anything better than a simple meal at home and downtime with my family.  I love hearing Mr. Wonderful play his music, reading with the children, laughing with the bonus girls, just general calm togetherness.

Sunday: Morning run and worship - I feel great when I exercise before the day gets started and going to church is our standard tradition. 

Lunch with friends - getting together with others makes life more full and fun.

Shopping excursion - even just wandering the mall is fun to me!

Gathering at home - again, returning to our home to connect and prepare for the upcoming week is my idea of a great time.  I'm so glad I love spending time with my family.

I really wish it worked this way!  Even though I can't have that glorious schedule every weekend, I still look forward to the time to focus on home and family.  This weekend I'll be doing some shopping with my bonus girl, I'm so honored she asked!  I've got the regular house-chores plus painting a hallway and working to organize in our chaotic basement.  I'm getting together with a friend and her little girl (along with my little girlie).  Church will be great and then we'll probably crash at home before starting the week all over. 

What are your weekend plans?  What does your idea of a great weekend include?

Mine, Yours, Ours - What?

My children have called my guy Mr. K---- for so long that the name didn't change when we actually married.  I've let them know they can just refer to him as K---- or even Coach (he coaches High School Soccer).  We've tossed around other names like Pop (he calls his own Dad Pop) but so far Mr. K---- it remains.  Sometimes, one of my three will slip and call him Daddy, but they always correct themselves.

I hope the label softens with time.  We have only been married for two months.

My husband has two daughters in high school.  Because I am Missy, I request people never use the Ms. (Ms. Missy is too much Misery to me).  So I've always been, "Dad's girlfriend, Missy."  Now I am "My stepmom, Missy."  I still regret the title of Stepmom, but it seems to be the easiest way the girls have of quickly defining my role to their friends. 

We do refer to the children as "Our children" and do not designate when we talk about them to others.  You're right, most people never need to know the exact nature of the relationship.  We have all five children the vast majority of the time, and yet the age differences create natural lines.  Often we refer the "the children" (my three, age 5, 7, 9) or "the girls" (his two, age 14, 16).  When I talk to others about my family and children, I am talking about all five: I cook dinners for all, shop for all, run schedules for all, etc. 

We are definitely still adjusting to living as a blended family.  There are so many individuals and emotions to consider and sometimes it's just overwhelming!  But keep reminding yourself that it is worth it!  One things that encourages me is to talk with adult children of blended families and hear the important impact the "Steps" had on their lives.  Two friends in particular had/have sweet, positive role models and influences: one from a Step Dad, one from a Step Mom...and the relationships weren't always smooth. This helps me know the end result is worth the confusion and work now.

Moody Monday

Mr. Wonderful is starting a new job today - I'm excited for him and praying that all goes well. We both woke up feeling more rested than not and ready to face this Monday.

Sweet Faith lost a big front tooth over the weekend!  It totally changes the way she looks and she was so excited!  We had a big Sunday lunch and I thought I would share what a typical mealtime looks at our table. 

It's fun to have a big gathering and I can tell each of us likes the anchor of a family dinner each evening.  We're a late-eating-bunch and often after dinner it's time for the little ones to get ready for bed and the older girls work on homework. 

I'm still working out meal choices that everyone enjoys - this meal was brisket, baked potatoes and green beans with rolls.  It will yield brisket sandwiches, too!

I hope you had a great weekend and a fantastic week planned ahead.  My main quandary is how to get the children to be responsible for getting themselves ready and out the door.  I don't want to do the 10 minute countdown any longer.  Once they are done with breakfast, I would like them to go ahead and brush teeth, put on shoes and be ready at the door when it's time to go.  Any ideas?  What are your morning challenges?