The Joy and Ache of Letting Go As My Son Turns Sixteen

Sixteen years ago my firstborn arrived and we felt so connected.  I was his source of comfort, nutrition, education, everything.  He outgrew his need for just me years ago, and I've been letting go bit by bit ever since.  Over-mothering is a tempting act but it's more important to me to raise an independent, upstanding man.

I can still feel the texture of the blankets and his velvety skin. A photo brings me back to that place like nothing else quite can. My very own little guy was 100% dependent on me and that spurred me to rise to the challenge in ways I couldn't dream possible. So many of the moments that mattered happened when no one else was there to witness it.  The snuggles, the corrections, the encouragement, the laughter.  We grew together, indeed.

This day feels like a milestone birthday with a driving test and birthday gifts that look more like college prep than toy trains.  I feel like I gave so much of myself to him in those early years.  It's just a few more years that he will be sleeping (or not sleeping) across the house in his own man-cave. He's well on his way to adulthood but there are still lots of skills to master.

Help me to remember not to be annoyed when he is needy, because this man still needs comfort, reassurance, direction and support.  He's more of a man now, than a little boy.

My son still needs me to have time for him. The time is truly trickling away and moments to connect often comes when it's least convenient for me.  I want to take advantage of the late nights, the weird desires and random requests.

That chin stubble and quarantine-long hair are his way of accepting himself.  It's easy to let myself become critical and I see that it simply distances myself from from my son. It's really not important, so I am working at accepting him just the way he presents.  

Selfishly, it is painful to let him go into his own ventures and future.  Yet my heart is so proud of the person is today and who is becoming.  He is kind, honest, hard-working and reliable.  He thinks for himself and isn't easily influenced.  He is a fun friend and loves to laugh.  He possesses a deep and real faith for his age. He is moving forward with dreams for his future and I remind myself that our bond remains so he will always be part of my life, even though things might look differently.

Letting him go, with support and enthusiasm is right and good.  The hardest part is accepting that as I'm letting go of him, he letting go of me, too.