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Monday, February 12, 2024

Roadblocks to Love - Beyond Romance

I've been thinking about love lately, have you? Valentine's holds a special place in my heart and I've always tried to celebrate true love during this time. Real love is so much more romance.  

Love, the powerful force that binds us together, comes in various forms beyond the realm of romantic relationships. We often associate love with romantic entanglements, but it extends far beyond, touching friendships, family bonds, and connections with the world around us. However, this beautiful journey is not always smooth; it's riddled with roadblocks that test our resilience and commitment to love in its many facets.

Expectations and Disappointments: We are all vulnerable to being let down.

Love often comes with expectations, be it expecting reciprocity in relationships or anticipating specific outcomes. When reality doesn't align with these expectations, disappointment can set in, creating a roadblock to love. Learning to manage expectations and embracing the unpredictability of relationships is crucial.  I have found this to be especially true with my children as they grow into their own unique personhood.

Fear of Vulnerability: It is risky to be real.

Vulnerability is the cornerstone of deep connections, but the fear of being vulnerable can be a significant roadblock to love. Opening up emotionally, sharing insecurities, and exposing our true selves can be daunting. Overcoming this fear requires trust, patience, and a willingness to be authentic, fostering stronger bonds with those we care about.  We will never truly feel loved if we are fearful of sharing our true selves.

Unresolved Past Wounds: We must not build walls of self-protection.

Baggage from past experiences, whether in relationships or life in general, can cast a shadow on our ability to love openly. Unresolved past wounds can create trust issues, fear of commitment, or an unwillingness to let others in. Addressing and healing these wounds is essential for clearing the path to love.  Take time to assess your ability to seek connection in a healthy way.

Communication Breakdowns: We all have them.

One of the fundamental roadblocks to love is communication breakdown. Clear and honest communication is the bridge that connects hearts, and when it falters, it can lead to distance and emotional disconnection. over than 

Time and Prioritization: Our schedules are often the enemy relationships.

In our fast-paced lives, time becomes a precious commodity. Balancing work, personal pursuits, and relationships is challenging, often leading to neglect in one or more areas. Making time for loved ones and prioritizing relationships is crucial to prevent love from being overshadowed by the demands of daily life.

Love is an unfolding journey filled with both joy and challenges. Navigating roadblocks requires introspection, patience, and a commitment to growth. The reward of connection is worth overcoming any hurdle on the path to connection. 

On a personal note - I have loved deeply and experienced extreme rejection in the love category.  Ultimately, I have found the only love which is unchanging comes from the God of the Bible.  Trusting Him and learning his ways lets me love others well. If you wonder where to start?  Try beginning there.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." I John 4:7

Thursday, January 4, 2024

Have you ever tried a spending freeze?


Happy New Year!  I'm slow to transition into a new year and new habits.  Christmas leaves me spinning, so it's usually early January before I'm able to slow down and consider goals and habits that I want to continue for the next year.  One that I often repeat is a spending freeze.

After the holiday season, I feel a little out of control with spending.  It seems money is required at every turn and the outflow is overwhelming.  A personal spending freeze always helps me feel like I'm taking control of my own finances and self.  For me, the first of the year is a natural time to slow the torrent of spending.

You've probably heard of "Dry January" or all the fitness goals that roll out for the start of a new year.  A Spending Freeze is just what it sounds like, only there are certain built-in allowances that must be paid (hello, utility bill).  Obviously you can't spend literally zero for a month - you need to eat and get around.  The key is to cut nonessential spending in order to save, pay off debt or put the money to work in another way.  

How does a spending freeze work?

Keep spending on the normal essential. Monthly bills, groceries and medicine, personal hygiene items and the like are things we need and must spend money to provide.  The goal isn't to deprive yourself or your family but to filter purchases by actual need.

Set the time limit.  Will you aim for one month?  Will you try for one week?  They key is to exercise the muscle of self-discipline and the actual time limit varies per your family needs.  Do you have a child with a birthday during this time?  A gift and dinner out don't count against you when there is a reason.  You're in charge of your own self, so you get to set the limits.  They key is to stick with them.

No eating out or coffee shops. For a set time, make your coffee and dinners at home. Bring lunch with you to the office. 

Nix online shopping. It's just too easy to add to cart and purchase.  While you're at it, take this time to unsubscribe from all the ads that hit your inbox or text notifications.  You don't want the marketers to have a direct hit to your wallet.

Look for free entertainment. Get outside, visit the library (or Libby app) and get together with your friends for an at-home movie night.  Go for a winter drive with your partner or do an online fitness class.

Do not purchase new clothes, or anything that isn't essential.  Unless you need socks/undies or your children need to replace something, just stay away from retail.

The quick rule is to ask yourself whether you really need to purchase something.  There are many great sales, but do you really need another cute top?  Can you wait a few weeks before purchasing the new shoes? Challenge yourself to pause and be creative.  You will feel empowered by not falling prey to all the marketing schemes that tell you what you must buy now.

What will you do with the money you save?  This is the fun part!  Even is you are going to use the money to pay back holiday debt, that's a great goal.  Could you save it towards a summer vacation?  What about a family treat, like season passes to a entertainment spot?  Is there a non-profit that could benefit from your sacrifice?  Are you looking to replace something at home, like an appliance or piece of furniture?  

There are so many ways to implement a spending freeze.  Get your family on board, or try it alone for the first time.  You will be surprised at easily we normally spend without consideration.  Try to stop spending for a bit and reap the rewards of your own self discipline. It's a great way to demonstrate to our kids that we don't always need something new.

Thursday, December 7, 2023

My Teens' Favorite Holiday Traditions


When you get past some attitude and embrace a bit of snarky dialogue, having teen is a lot of fun. Sometimes, it might feel like the holiday 'magic' is a bit lost in these older ages, but I'm hear to share that Christmas can still be a time that builds connection and creates memories...which is something of even greater value as their time in your 'nest' starts to wind down.

As a mom, there are so many traditions that I bring to the family every year: We attend the Christmas Eve service, pack and send Shoeboxes, participate in a daily Advent door reading, annual ornaments, Christmas light road tours, holiday date with mom, ice skating, traveling to visit family, visit to see Santa, decorate gingerbread houses, bake cookies and deliver to neighbors, party with friends at home, and the list goes on.

A few traditions seem to fall away. In middle school they stopped wanting to visit Santa. It became harder for the teens with their own social calendar and job schedules to participate in our family friends party. Traveling to visit relatives wasn't on top of their priority list. So I asked, what do you still love?

After much pulling of teeth, they admit to loving these the most:

"I really like just chilling and watching Hallmark movies with mom."

"The Advent doors are always slap."

"You know I like eating big meals as a fam."

"The advent calendar is the best because it's a little celebration everyday."

"The annual ornaments are great because they hold a memory every year."

"Christmas light drives are fantastic and just feel so festive."

"I like the advent doors, the holiday date with mom and the stockings."

If you have older children, ask them what they like! It's fun to hear their perspective...and it may free you from something that just doesn't resonate any longer.

Yes, the traditions may not look exactly the same as your holiday did when you had young children. Still, your older kids and teens still love and appreciate the family fun of holiday traditions. No matter what season of life, carry something from the past into the future and hang on to the memories while making more. The most valuable point of traditions is the togetherness and that they foster. With teens, it's never been a better time to create that point of connection.


Other Ideas for Holiday Fun with Teens:

- Walk the dog through a holiday light show.
- Deliver cookies to your neighbors, assisted living home or fire station.
- Go to a parade, they are fun and festive.
- Pick up hot chocolate (or make your own) and go for a Christmas light drive. Let your teen pick the playlist.
- Have a wrapping party together.
- Take them to a thrift store and provide $$ to purchase a festive sweater.
- Enjoy a winter hike.
- Have a date with mom and make it somewhere they love.
- Let them invite a bunch of friends over for holiday movies.

What ideas do you have?

Thursday, November 2, 2023

Seemingly Small Life Hacks that Make a Big Difference Along the Way

We live in a region with four distinct seasons.  Maybe you adore the moody fall vibes, but for me it is a reminder that I'm headed for several months of gray, of darkness and of cold. The temperature this week reminds me that the damp and chill are settling in for a stay.  Yes, we are gearing up for the joy of Christmas, but even that often fills me with a slight panic.  I do my best remain fixed on the beauty and the value of each season, but for me it can be a struggle.

So here are a few smallish things I'm doing for myself that help to replenish what each day drains away.  Maybe you can share an idea, too?

Make Your Bed... or clean the sink, clear the floor, fluff the sofa pillow.  Whatever it is that gives you a quick sense of accomplishment is worth taking the the minutes to complete. I make my bed daily.

Take Small Breaks and start small. I don't have to complete the decorating in one day, I'm better when I let it unfold in little bits over the course of a week (or two).

Feed Your Body, and Your Heart. The season of indulgence is almost here so I'm proactively being intentional with nutritious, healthy choices. Soups and whole grains are benefiting. But don't forget to enjoy the occasional treat and share with those whom you hold close. Weekly coffee dates with my daughter are a special treat in our current season. Rest and connect whenever you can.

Live in the Moment, Capture the Feeling. We all know to be present in the moment, so make the effort and really do it. Sit back and look at the fun your children are having, the silly teenagers with their friends or the ease and camaraderie of your dear friends.  Then, snap a photo that you promise not to post - just to savor and remember.

Schedule a Massage. I love a full body massage, maybe for you it's a haircut or facial. My budget doesn't allow this as often as I'd like, so I'm happy to be the practice person at a massage school for a fraction of the price.  

Scripture and Gratitude make a difference. When I feel discouraged or overwhelmed it never fails to pause and refocus on all the good in my life.  

I hope that your autumn has been full of pumpkin/apple spiced goodness. If you feel a little blah because of the weather or the schedule, maybe these practices will perk up your spirit.  Do you have any tried and true ways to recharge?

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Visit a Living History Museum on the River

Do you want to know what it was like to "sail the ocean blue, in 1492?" A replica of the historical ship that sailed to North America will soon be sailing into Knoxville.  It's a great way to spend time outside and have a glimpse into history, as well. The Pinta, was the first ship of that voyage to sight land.

You might be surprised by the size of the ship, considering it made trans-Atlantic voyages.  You might be impressed with the sturdiness of the construction.  It was built by Portuguese shipbuilders. You will be intrigued by the many details needed for a successful voyage. Elementary aged children will be fascinated when they step onto the wide, wooden deck.

Known historically as a Tall Ship, the Pinta is a replica of one of the ships that sailed with Christopher Columbus.  You can read the history and get as many (or few) details as you wish, but it's definitely worth a visit with your kids.

My elementary aged children loved climbing all over the ship. Older kids will enjoy reading about how it was built and the way it was sailed, along with the historical details.  

Younger ones will love the adventure and joy of participating in something from a different era.

The ship will be docked at Calhoun's on the River, 400 Neyland Drive, Knoxville, TN 37902 from October 20-29, 2023. Tours are open from 9-5 daily, with the purchase of an $8 ticket for Adults, $6 for Children, $7 for Seniors & Military. Children under 4 year of age are free. Tickets may be purchased at the ship and no advance reservation is required.

More information availalable @  https://ninapinta.org/



https://www.visitknoxville.com/event/discover-tall-ship-pinta-in-knoxville-tn/25401/




Thursday, September 7, 2023

Romance Your Husband While Raising Teens

Actual footage or our teen in the background.

How can we remain a couple while in the middle of parenting?  It's a challenge at every stage of parenthood, and maybe it peaks in the teen years - I can't say, and it's probably different for everyone, but we find ourselves in the thick of parenting teenagers, so that is my perspective.  The teens are awesome, but my man has my heart so here is how I'm striving to communicate my affection.

Mini Date Night - Take advantage of the newer independence that your teens have.  Now you can drop them off for events, youth group or whatever.  Use the hour or two without them to meet your mate for dinner.  Don't run errands (at least not every time), get some quality time with your honey.  Every now and then, eat dinner alone together at the table. Maybe light some candles.  It's okay if the adolescents notice, they will appreciate the love your family has created.  Personally, we try to have a lunch date weekly.  

Lock the Door!  It's tough to relax with our man when we know any kids are home, but lock that door and enjoy some adult time without interruption.  A back rub (or more) helps to keep connected during busy weeks and seasons.  We can fool our little children, but with teenagers at home, use your locks!  No matter your love language, it's important to enjoy some Sneaky Snuggle Time!

Laugh it Out! Let yourself be lighthearted with your partner. Lately, we enjoy some parallel playtime together by scrolling the memes and reels on our individual phones.  I'm particularly tickled by silly cats while my spouse seems amused by random children behaving badly.  Whatever makes you laugh together, do more of that.

Create small rituals. There is power in knowing you can count on someone. Little things like cleaning dishes together, walking the dogs each evening or morning smooches before parting ways. These gestures add up to create positive connections and reinforce the bond you have created.  

Dream of a getaway. Set a goal for a couple-only vacation and dream a bit. When you get a chance, start saving and make it happen. We are dreaming of London right now and while there are so many things ahead of that in priority, dreaming now means we can make it a goal someday.  

Parenthood might throw us some challenges, but it also provides countless opportunities to nurture our relationship in creative and unexpected ways.  From stealthy snuggle sessions to spontaneous dates when the moment is ripe, these light-hearted tips will help you keep the romance alive while you juggle curfews, boundaries and emerging freedoms. Embrace the changes and find joy in each moment to let your love story grow.  You might find yourself growing closer to your partner at just the time your teen is exerting his or her independence.

Monday, August 21, 2023

When Your Strong Willed Child Becomes A Teen


Very early, it becomes obvious when you have a strong willed child. There are many wonderful character traits that come along with being strong willed and at the same time, it can be exhausting as a parent. Then the tweens and teen years arrive and everything gets more intense. The arrival of adolescence magnifies the willfulness because the normal  emerging independence joins with the already established willful ways of your child.

All feelings are intensified, including independence and self-determination.

As the adult, it’s our job to find the best way to deescalate the feelings. Strong willed teens believe they know best for themselves. They are fiercely independent. When your teen senses that you are not trusting their own decision-making process, they will push back. We do not want to create a dynamic of constant conflict, so it’s essential to win the trust and heart of our teens.

To create connection, consider giving your cranky teen exactly what they are craving: power. Be ready for more pushing of boundaries and decide in advance what is worth the battle. Are clothes going to be a daily argument or can you let that go and hold the line on something more important like grades?

Maybe you are strong willed too and you’re doing everything you can to hold onto power in the relationship. Do you fear giving away power will backfire and your teen will suffer or reject you and your values? It’s possible, and this is where we must face our own limitations. This is the crucial time when it’s more important to focus on relationship than rules.

The only person who you can control is you. Practice being the centered, patient parent that you long to be. Take an extra breath and try to not react. What your teen is expressing isn’t about you at all; in fact, you are their safe place to let our the frustration and pain experienced at that moment. You have the privilege to help them direct their actions and attitude to something more healthy. You get to reframe what they are experiencing and remind him or her that it is temporary. Along the way, you become the trusted guide they come to when hard things happen.

Your strong willed teen has a deep need for control and independence. You can fight that or fuel him or her with responsibility.

Give this teen the power to earn, to strive and to fail. Let their struggle become an ally to improve and be a better human. Avoid getting into a direct power struggle with him or her; instead, demonstrate that you can compromise and you value their input. Be flexible on the curfew. Say yes as much as possible. Determine requirements based on what is moral versus your own preference. Ask questions like, “What does your conscious say?,” “How would you feel?,” “Would you be alright if everyone knew you did this?” These questions help shape decision making without taking over.

Strong willed teens are leaders, courageous and willing to stand alone and steer their own course. They are creative and innovative in finding solutions. Vocalize your approval with pride in their leadership and joy in their adventures. Encourage that spirit to persist in challenges and to overcome hard things. These are traits that will serve your young person well in the future.

When you see your teen moving in a direction that concerns you, raise that concern before you try to coerce. Coercion and enforcement will create resistance. I often think of the reverse psychology my own mama used as a trick of the trade. And dad still tells me, “I know you will do what is right/best.” I didn’t always make the best choice, but I knew I was responsible for the outcome. Be sure to communicate that you are on their side and demonstrate empathy even when discipline is required. Keep the relationship mutually beneficial so that your teen stays invested in the bond you have created. Lean into that bond, especially when there is tension.  

Sometimes, our strong willed ones learn through failure and tough consequences. More than ever, this is when to walk alongside them, support and encourage. “I told you so,” doesn’t work, but “Next time you will do better,” does. It reminds your teen that you believe in him or her and that you are on their side.

It’s tough to raise a strong willed teen, especially when you’re a strong willed adult. Sometimes we both mess up and so it’s important to reestablish a bond. She’s got to know I’m with her and for her, no matter what. My sister, a licensed therapist, taught me that it’s crucial to keep the connection regardless of anything else that happens during these sometimes tumultuous years.