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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

One Year Later

It's been one year since my marriage officially ended.  On this day last year, I went before a judge and swore that I wanted the marriage to end.  That was a difficult thing to do, a hard thing to admit. Then I went to the mountains alone and journaled.  I removed things from my home that felt like lies: cards, notes, even some photos.  And I packed up all the wedding memories in a plastic tote to preserve for the children someday.  Those tasks were a bit loaded with emotion, but as I purged my space I also purged my heart.  The day of my divorce was the day I stopped living in the past, repeating the same patterns and began looking for a different future.  It was the most uncertain thing I have ever done in my whole entire life.  

Today, I feel thankfulness for the ways God has been faithful.  Every time I was at the end of my rope, He provided or made a way through the difficulty.  He has given me hope for a future, joy in the present and purpose all around me.  When you are feeling at your worst, never forget that feeling will change.  We never know what amazing gifts are ready to be dropped in our lap at just the right time.  Today I am at peace.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Trusting myself is a challenge.  I feel like I generously and naively placed trust into the hands of someone who very much abused that confidence.  Because of this, I second-guess myself so much.  I have a hard time making decisions and fear that what I perceive isn't really the way things are.  It's a mind-game that is hard to overcome and often leaves me seeking the reassurance or validation of others.

One thing that keeps me sane, is to continually place all my uncertainties before the Lord.  I often just admit my confusion, my lack of knowledge and ask him to make my path clear.  When the path remains unclear, I am learning to step out in any direction trusting Him to redirect when necessary. 

All year I've been studying wisdom.  Seeking that trait in the Bible and reading from Proverbs almost daily.  There are few rules for gaining it, but many general themes and principles.  It is not something to be obtained, but it is a life pattern of seeking and waiting, choosing the best over the good and allowing God to direct. 

I find comfort in knowing His plan is not mysterious and is full of freedom.  In knowing this about God, there is less pressure.  I can move forward in a general direction without knowing the complete path.  My faith is stretched and grown in this way.  It's hard, but exciting and I'm thankful.

Whoever pursues righteousness and love
finds life, prosperity and honor.
Proverbs 21:21

Monday, October 10, 2011

A First Date

Life just got a bit more interesting.

From out of the blue, I was approached by a friend who asked if he could give my number to another friend. That’s right: first date after divorce, first blind date ever.

I felt safe because I trusted the person who recommended his friend. When the man called, we talked for a half hour or so and the conversation flowed without too much strain. We agreed to meet at a public place and I had a limited window of time. He was recently divorced as well, so I knew we had the commraderie of shared experience.

So how did it go? He called the same day to ask me on a ‘real’ date, so I think we were successful. There were awkward moments at the start. Are we supposed to shake hands? He was tall and clean cut which I find attractive. We didn’t have any trouble talking together and was kind to the waitress and others. I confess to feeling a bit intoxicated by the attention!  I may or may not have a full blown mid-life crush going on.