How to Have a Terrible Vacation with Your Teen

I have just returned from a beach trip with our kids, who are all teens (plus one friend).  It was ripe for moody withdrawals, complaining, begging for souvenirs and eye-rolling boredom.  It's not my first time vacationing with teens, so I knew how to make it a terrible time.

Plan every minute. Oh yes, they love it when every minute is scheduled by someone else.  Insist on family togetherness, all the time.  Right?  It's family vacation, after all, and demanding that your teen spends every moment in your company is essential.  

Take photos constantly. Whatever.  They take selfies and post snaps or "Be Reels," so why can't you get a grin?  Because that would mean pausing their own online activities...recipe for disaster indeed. 

Schedule everything, including meals.  Okay, meals are a highlight for most teens, but when you tell them what to eat and when, it loses all the appeal.  Teens are seeking independence, so keeping a tight leash and monitoring every action will result in revolt.

Enforce bedtime. Seriously? Am I five? No. "Bedtime" happens until noon each day and the nightlife is what happens after midnight. 

What teens want is more freedom, but they also want to know what to expect.  It's a tricky balance between giving them independence and still providing a loose structure for your family trip.  Instead of imposing all your rules and expectations, switch the script and prepare to have a great get-away.  There may be sulking or a tantrum, so try to move past the missteps, and ask them to do the same.  Adopt these ideas to enjoy the best vacation:

Lighten Up!  Try to remember why family vacation is even a thing - the goal is to bond and make memories together.  This isn't the time to teach lessons or discipline.  It's likely that life lessons will happen naturally as you spend time together, but this isn't the why of your get-away.  Relax and let messes go.  Let house-rules slide and focus on relationships.

Provide Space. When you expect your teen to spend every moment with you, it's an expectation that will result in disappointment.  When planning, opt for a multi-room rental or hotel suite.  Do all you can to provide multiple bathroom spaces.  Let your teen escape on his or her own to explore boardwalks, parks or whatever.  We rented bikes and we let the ones with a license borrow a vehicle every now and then.  Keep expectations clear about when to return and where the boundaries are.

Thrill them with adventure. Create a focal point during the trip that stimulates adrenalin.  It might be a shark fishing trip, roller coaster rides or white water rafting.  Teens are wired for that rush of risk and adventure feeds their need for fun.  It gives them a goal and something to talk about with their friends.  This is the time to take a photo!  ASK first, then catch the action.  Snap candids other times and respect when your teen says, "enough."

Remember food matters...but it doesn't have to be expensive, just accessible.  Teens love to snack, love to eat.  It's nice to have a few great meals out on vacation and if you're able, do it!  Teen daughters, especially, seem to love the excuse to get dressed up to go out.  But keep lots of their favorite snacks on hand, too.  One of the thrills is having unfettered access to candies, sodas and other foods not always kept around the house.  We brought a mix and made brownies, and I included sour gummy worms and dark Hershey chocolates in our grocery order.  Going out to eat is special, but we also cooked for ourselves multiple times.  The teens were even in charge of dinner for "Tuesday Tacos at the Condo."  

We got away for date night.

Loosen the tech boundaries. I still have my teen plug in his phone each evening, outside his room when we are home.  But on vacation, I relax this rule.  I don't want to police behavior and it gives me a chance to gauge his maturity as he takes on more independence and responsibility in the tech department.  Sometimes letting them know we trust them motivates our teens to behave more wisely that if they feel they have to be sneaky.  We let the guys bring their video games, too.  Again, to redirect from screens, I try to provide lots of other options.  Swimming, biking, boating, hiking and especially going into service free areas keep our young people engaged in reality.

Consider bringing a friend.  At first I was opposed to this, as it may interfere with family bonding.  But I've seen it be a positive peer pressure for having a good attitude (no one wants to be embarrassed in front of a friend) and it builds good will with your teen.  Just make sure you know and trust the friend and that you have enough space.

Be flexible.  One thing is certain, teens are unpredictable.  There might be some attitudes or moods that require a change of plan.  You may need to get away from them for your own sanity and mood - that's okay!  Embrace the emerging independence and start expanding your own identity.  I love to have a vacation date night with my husband and I also enjoy sneaking away to meet up with a friend for lunch while on vacation.  

There are so many ways to vacation as a family.  Do what works for yours!  In my own season of teenage parenting, we are loving the less hands-on and more interesting season of vacationing.  We share the driving responsibilities and encourage their input in the planning.  It's more fun that ever, even though we aren't together 24/7 like in the little-kid-years.  

Both seasons have their charms and so I'm choosing to love where we are now.

Pro Tip: Pack extra chargers and remember that teens still get hangry, like toddlers.  An epic snack-stash still works wonders!

A Prayer of Release For My High School Graduate

Once upon a time...A mama heart wished for a child to mother from start to finish. 

You arrived, so fresh and new, and I poured all had had into you.  Now, I think this is the finish line: High School graduation.  

Technically, you don't need me anymore and yet I'm still here.  Here for when you want to talk about girls and friendships.  Here for when you arrive home from your summer job and we sit quietly out on the patio.  Here for when you don't have the bandwidth to talk anymore and just want to sit, and lean.  You're so good at just being present.

I think of all the prayers I've prayed since I discovered you were growing in me.  Thousands of hopes and desires lifted through the infant stage during the late night feedings and changes.  I wanted to give you a fairy tale family, and even that fell apart and we rebuilt a new one together.  I think of the truly challenging school days where we worked so hard to find the ways you learned best.  Now I can even appreciate those mean kids who were so harsh to you, because it helped you know you can come to us with anything - and we always have your back.  You face nothing alone.  I cannot promise your life will be free from heartbreak or pain. When it come, I will still be here.

Dear Lord, 

Just as you gave me this son so many years ago, I release him back to you.  There isn't a day I haven't known you were with us and guiding us along together - growing me and and him in ways both seen and only felt.  Now I choose to trust you will grow each of us while we are apart.

I pray that when difficulties come, my son will draw closer to you and not push farther away.  Surround him him with positive influences who will spur him to think deeply and refine his character.  May he be willing to stand alone and still invest in friendships.  Thank you for his curiosity and humor.  Thank you for his health and even the challenges that draw him to you.  Make his path forward clear to him, so that he can go in confidence.  Remind him of your kindness and teach him to value people always over possessions.  Let him find friendship, adventure, romance and his calling. 

Thank you for letting me be his mama, for then and now, and evermore. Amen.