Still Moving Forward

The last couple of weeks have been more smooth.  M. was gone for work for several days and then we actually went out together without argument...real progress for us!  Money has been tight, but we haven't had interpersonal battles.  I had a nice evening, we've been physically intimate and emotionally striving to connect. 

I came to this marriage with such arrogance about my own goodness, love and that being enough.  I'm realizing slowly that I'm just not that good and even so, that isn't always enough.  As I learn to give up on 'Perfect," I'm trying to just be me - and learn what that means.

The Bottom?

My husband went to a divorce attorney yesterday.  Even though I have known our marriage has many troubles, it was still shocking to me and took a while to process.  My first feeling was rejection and devastation - kicked in the gut.  I noticed on the computer history that he had been searching single parent and child support information.  Oh my.

I don't want our marriage to dissolve.  We are such different people, that I'm not sure how to integrate our lives.  I am willing to stay together for the sake of commitment, honoring each other and our vows, to provide the best, most stable home for our children.  That is not enough for him.  I don't know if I can promise him anything more.  We are decent companions, enjoy activities together have great relationships outside of each other...why has this been so hard to work out?

I considered going to see a lawyer of my own.  But, as I stated, it isn't what I want.  Should he move forward and that become a necessity, I know I have the strength to make it with Christ.  There was a time when I couldn't say that.  Progress, I suppose.

I thought our marriage was at its worst after learning of H's other affair, other women, addictions and we separated.  But then I had so much hope and the person he said he wanted to be was the person I fell in love with.  Today, there are no other women, we live in the same house, but we offend and hurt each other weekly.  There is emotional distance and I wonder if this is the bottom?

April Fools -

There are so many days I've felt like the fool...however, I'm working to change my negativity and attitude is one of the top things that affects my mood, so on this April Fool's Day, I'm reminding myself of ways in which I'm smart, strategic, well-planned and wise.