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Thursday, February 7, 2013

Are You In a Controlling Relationship?

I have been thinking about controlling people, controlling relationships.  I didn't come by freedom in relationship easily and created many poor patterns that 'give away' my power.  To make matters worse, some of those to whom I gave my power, took that privilege and abused it, used me, made me small.  So, one of the gifts of my single-again life has been to become fully me again.  It's been so fun.  It's something that I want to hold onto even as my relationship with Mr. Wonderful gets serious.

Now I am a watchdog for controlling behavior.  I honestly can't think of a single time when I have felt controlled in this relationship.  That's probably why I feel so safe and can trust him.  I educated myself about controlling personally traits and learned the red flags to spot them.  Sadly, I see them in action around me all the time.  I see my friends controlled by their children and partners.  I see coworkers manipulated by other coworkers.  I see my children give way to controlling friends and then turn the tactics on their siblings! 

Every relationship has beneficial compromise and mutual submission.  There are seasons where the balance may shift further than what is healthy and it is time to work on it.  Most controllers don't see themselves that way and can justify their behavior, but they do not realize the way they are erroding a relationship that deep down they value.  Many who are controlled simply give up hope of things changing.  If either is you, take action.  Admit what is happening and that it will take time and effort for things to be different. 

Controlling Relationship Evaluation

Current Articles I'm Reading -
Identifying a Dominating Spouse
How Has Domination Affected You

My Thoughts on Bullies

Do you feel controlled?  Have be been the dominant person?  Do you think about these things in relationship?  How can we protect our children and train them to neither bully nor give away all their power?  Please share!


  1. While I definitely agree that good relationships involve compromise, I think the really great ones take turns. I think that each party has to make a decision about how much they really care about a certain issue or not. Both parties should feel like they have "control" over certain areas. And, from what I've seen of what I would consider healthy relationships, that's the only way it really works.

    1. I do like the concept of taking turns, and in areas where one has more knowledge it would natually flow to defer to that individual. I think I disdain 'control' in any form, though perhaps that is naive. Both parties must have freedom to input, share without fear of shame or personal attack, etc. Thanks for your perspective - I always admire it!

  2. My first husband was seems too mild a term for him......I allowed him to control me for over 20 years. My precious Superhero wouldn't even consider trying to control me....submission and control are totally different! I take his advice and I give him mine. Over the years, we have become partners.

    1. Partnership is a great concept. I think I have experienced both scenarios in my life and appreciate the mutual partnership, respect and cooperation so very much. It's always good to hear from you - thanks for posting!

  3. I know what you has only been since coming to terms with ME, being comfortable in my own skin, that no one has been able to "control" me. Sometimes the offending party does not set out to control, but due to various motivations (coming mostly from self-estemm issues I think) we yield to them.