What This Divorced Mom Can Tell My Friends About the Empty Nest Experience

Recently my phone and news have been filled with images of friends moving kids into dorms or saying bye as cars head out of town.  Even during the age of Corona there is an exodus of kids heading to college and parents saying goodbye, at least for the short term.

Because of divorce and co-parenting, I have experienced the "Empty Nest Syndrome" earlier than most of my friends who have remained married with in-tact families.  From the time my youngest was just the age of two, I had to get used to experiencing days where I didn't see my baby.  It is tough.

So, I wanted to share a few things I've learned over the years of spending days away from my children.

Remember:

1) They are not thinking of you as much as you are thinking of them.  Seriously, your little girl or young man is forging life and identity.  Everything is new and exciting, and young people tend to live in the moment. 

2) It's too much pressure to invest every resource you have into your child.  When you rely on your child for your own self worth, it creates a codependence that is unhealthy.  Guard against finding your complete identity through your relationship with your child.

3) There are things you have wanted to do...get started!  Redecorate a room or get lost in a book/movie/series.  There are things you enjoy which have been put on the back burner during the hands-on experience of parenting.  Now is time to remember a dream or start a new one!

4) Invest in your own friendships which will fill provide joys and opportunities.  More than ever you have time to spend with grown ups and enjoy the benefits of friendship. Join a club, start walking with a friend or set up a reunion.  Be intentional with your friendships so that loneliness doesn't become the norm.

5) We are all on a path of letting go. From day one, our ultimate goal is healthy independence.  All the years you spent pouring into your child has forged a bond that won't break with time and distance.  Keep encouraging and know that your person will return again and again.  You did it!

It's not easy to admit that our kids can live without us, but that reveals that we have done a good job.  

It's August and It's Weird - There is no way Around It

Like the rest of our country, I'm unsure of how to handle things this August.  My mind keeps ruminating:

Do I even go back to school clothes shopping when deep down I suspect everyone will be back home doing lessons in pajamas?  Is is smart to stock up on lunchbox items?  Do I need to make room for football games in the calendar?

I know that I am not alone in the confusion and unknowns. I console myself in the fact that we are "all in this together."  

I keep wondering if there will be anything like a daily routine.  I'm concerned about the brain fog I see and worried my kids are falling behind. 

Here is what I know: 

First, my kiddos are not done learning.  Whether we get into the classroom or learn online, their education will progress. 

Second, like every other surprise or "Plan B," God will use this to shape and direct them.  I see increases in responsibility and independence.  I believe that each will have to take more ownership of their education and I pray that some true interests emerge.

Third, socialization is necessary. While working to remain distanced and safe, we can open our circle to others who are doing the same.  Creating friend groups and ensuring weekly interactions is very important.  When too much time goes between gatherings, little hearts get lonely.

Added, the slippery slope of screen time is real and reeling it back in has been met with intense push back.  Keep those boundaries in place.

No matter how I view it, this August is just weird. There are no school meet and greets and youth activities just keep getting postponed.  So much is uncertain and it makes planning difficult.  Once again, I'm learning to hold things (my plans and schedule) loosely.

Updated to add: Our School District is currently opening two weeks late with both virtual and in person options.  The plan is ever-changing.