I've said before that the first word that comes to mind when describing blended families is, "complicated." Another word this generation uses to describe things is "Extra." Extra can mean over-the-top or fussy. It's a word rightly used to reveal the layers of involvement that others may have in your family, even people outside the home. Blended family life with co-parents, exes and extended family all wanting a say means a very "extra" dynamic.
When the I feel like I have to ask permission from my ex, it naturally creates tension and resentment. Exes definitely make things feel "Extra" and complicated. When we need to communicate calendar commitments with my step daughter's mother, we may feel slighted or like we have less say-so. These layers of involvement and extra communication wear us down over time. It's easy for resentment to build.
Are you the "extra" in your blended family? As a step parent, we often want to be involved, but can complicate matters unnecessarily. Ask yourself if your involvement is making things better or worse? If you're the step parent in a situation, the "extra" - must you share your opinion in a matter? Are you creating more or less tension by expressing your view? Communication is essential, of course and if it helps to share your opinion the do so. But often I want to share where I have little influence an my thoughts aren't appreciated. It might even make things more difficult for those I love.
Yes, your family is "extra." Accept that reality and do what you can to minimize conflict by communicating and sharing information, but don't insert yourself just to feel included. Be a hero when you are the step parent by being supportive of decisions made, even if they aren't choices where you are included. If the step family is thriving, it isn't happening on accident.
If you're feeling extra tired or overextended, remember that blending families takes time. The longer you remain connected as a family, the more experiences you will have together. There will be parenting fails and experiences where you learn. Along the way you become a better spouse, parent and step parent! And while it may not ever be perfect, time blending the family does become happier and more well-adjusted.
