Livid

H told my oldest son that I made the decision for Daddy to move out.  My sweet boy was told too much information for a little boy and it makes me so angry that this is how is was framed to him.  Yes, I was the one who finally drew the line and ended our marriage, but have I told our son how Daddy hurt Mommy?  How he broke his promises to Mommy and did things with other women that should have been saved only for Mommy?  No.  I am trying to protect the image of Daddy to my children and I don't feel like I get that same consideration. 

I feel glad that J is talking about this with me.  I know he must think about it and he hasn't shared much until this week.  "Why can't Daddy just move back here?"  "Can we all move to Daddy's place?"  "I liked it when Daddy lived here."  These statements just crush my heart and I didn't want this for my children.  I desperately wanted us to remain an intact family.  H made the choice when he looked outside our family in an attempt to fix the broken-ness within.  Now we all have to pay and suffer.  It is tragic and I'm so angry that we have to deal with it!

Something to Remember:

"Express you love to your children generously and frequently.  As much as possible, express to them also that they are loved by their other parent, the less visible one, the one who may have acted so very badly.  It may seem difficult to defend your ex in this way, yet you are actually defending your child against a deeper and more difficult season of loss."

From Raising Great Kids on Your Own by David & Lisa Frisbie

This is tough, but worth doing.

June 3, 2010

Today is my husband's birthday and the children are with him.  I feel lonely for them, for the life I thought that I would have.  I feel like a fish out of water, in this new role as "Single Mother."  I'm also learning that I do not want that to be what defines me...what people first think of when thinking of me (do that many people even think of me?).  So then, I'm prompted to decide, what do I want to define me?  What defines me now? 

These are things I will be considering as I put together my life.