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Thursday, July 15, 2010

It's Out There

The listing of our divorce ran in the local newspaper.  I suppose the news is public now.

M continues to insist this is what I want, not him.  He alludes to still being in love with me.  This creates such conflicting emotions because I never wanted to have a broken marriage, I desperately wanted my children to come from an intact family.  It hurts me when he says these kinds of things because he said it before and I did believe him.  Yet he continued to seek comfort outside the marriage, with other women, inappropriate online material, etc.  So I want to believe his words, but his actions have shown otherwise.

There is such a temptation to go back to the way things used to be.  It is a struggle to be a single mother, to keep a home, job, social life and purposefully raise my children...not to mention make plans for the future, try to save money, enjoy time for myself, etc.  In the past, I became quite adept at putting my head in the sand and pretending things were the way I wanted them to be.  Now I'm making a habit of living in truth, acknowledging the way things are, even when they are difficult.  Still, my dream for that former life is dead and I am not through with the grieving.