Signed

My lawyer called to report that M has signed the divorce documents.  I have such mixed feelings about it.  I first felt sick in my gut, anxious.  Then I felt crushed and and deep sense of failure.  Now I'm feeling a bit of relief, glad to have a set plan.  There's even a bit of triumph that I didn't have to force the issue.

M also told me today that he is taking the children to Myrtle Beach in two weeks during a visit with his father.  I know they will love it and I feel sad to not be a part.  I have so been wanting to take the children to the beach - they are at the ages where I think they will just LOVE IT!  It's an experience that I wanted to share with them and it breaks my heart not to be able to be there with them. 

Life for my children will be very different from my own childhood and this makes me so sad.  I'm struggling as I come to terms with the details of what it means to be divorced.  I am reminded of why this isn't what I wanted and not the best plan for families.  It's just not.  Still, I'm trying to put my life, and theirs, in God's hand and trust Him to form something out of our lives.