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Friday, January 6, 2012

What it feels like to date again....

It feels a little raw - wonderful, but dangerous.
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I underestimated the intensity I would feel, and the desire.  I forgot what it was like to be pursued (it's wonderful).  The insecurities that I bear shouldn't have surprised me, but they do and at times I feel weak in my neediness. Hopefully, my insecurities are not projected onto my guy - he does not need to bear the burden from my previous relationship woes.  The sheer logistics of a more established life make getting together more complicated.

At the beginning, I held back a little.  Okay, I held back a lot and I still find myself fighting that impulse.  The good thing is that now I recognize it and usually choose to do the opposite: I call him.  Reach out to him.  Share something.  Make myself vulnerable.

Complicated.  Vulnerable.  Incredible.  Hopeful.  Inspiring. 

Yet finding companionship and passion with another human has reminded me how much I crave it.   I have a great capacity for love, to give and to share, to support, laugh, play and dream with another person.  I have found that in my guy which delights me to no end, makes me feel giddy like a young girl.

The man I have discovered is different from what I thought I might find in this season of life.  He is all the standard things any woman would want: responsible, moral, kind, charming.  He meets every item I needed on my "list."  You have a list, right?  I think it's important to have a short list of bottom-line necessities that you know you need in a partner.  There are many things I want and so many more that I didn't even know ask for.  My man is not perfect, yet the imperfections allow me to be flawed, too. 
And we all are so flawed

Now I find myself balanced precariously in this place of hope and basking, to doubting he could feel the same.  I am cautious to keep my emotions based on me and not give that power to another person as I did in the past when I let my ex determine how I felt.  But to care what someone feels and thinks does give that person a measure of power, and it feels so risky.  I'm taking the risk, but I wish I knew how the story ended!

It would have been easier to wrap my heart in a protective shell and never risk getting hurt again.  Now I know I wouldn't miss this moment for anything.  Whether for now or for always, I'm thankful for the chance to connect with someone in so many ways. 

Has anyone else taken a recent risk?  Do you have a 'list' for what you need in a partner?  Is there really such thing as a second chance in life and love? Do share!