I am proud of my maiden name and in my small circle, it was recognizable. My father was prominent in our community and I had a sister. We were well known and I liked belonging to my tribe. I enjoyed being connected to my people. I was comfortable with my history and proud of my heritage. But, I never seriously considered keeping my maiden name when I married for the first time.
I anticipated the further combining of my identity with my spouse and it seemed like a tangible way to solidify our new family unit. I was within a year of entering my career field and had just begun establishing a "name" for myself. I remember even ordering new business cards prior to the wedding and already being introduced with that new last name.
When that marriage ended in divorce, I contemplated returning to my maiden name but ultimately decided it wasn't worth the confusion. For me, it was reflective of the person I had become as a wife and mother, even if one of those roles no longer applied. Having consistency as a mother with the same last name as my children was also part of the decision making process.
As I anticipated marriage a second time, I thought about once again changing my name. It's such a personal thing, so very much part of my identity. I felt very strange to imagine being someone other than who I was at the time. I wondered how my children would view me having a name different from theirs. I talked with Mr. Wonderful about his thoughts. I revisited my own assumptions from earlier days when I changed my name without hesitation.
First, I no longer wanted to carry name of my first husband. From that name I felt betrayed, deceived, disrespected and I just did not want the connection. I was no longer proud to be connected to his name.
Secondly, I did want to fully embrace my new husband. I loved feeling connected to him, to his family and his reputation. I am honored to wear that name and embrace the role I get to have as his wife. I wanted others to know I was with him.
However, I would then no longer share a family name with my children? When I asked them, it did bother them, and they were a bit confused. One child then assumed that he would also get the last name. Another child asked if I would still be his mother if I took a different name? Another child didn't seem phased in the least and acted like the whole thing was no big deal anyway.
Ultimately, I decided to take a new name when I married Mr. Wonderful (Mr. Robinson). After two years, I feel good about my decision still. Yet, I have remained flexible and the name has been fluid in many ways. When my friends of my children speak to me, they often call me Mrs - (the last name of my children). I don't correct them, I just accept the association. Sometimes teachers make the same mistake - no biggie. Sometimes greater clarity is needed, but most often it has all worked out for us.
What would you choose? Have you needed to make this decision? Do you have a different last name from anyone in your family? What does a name mean to you?
Ultimately, I decided to take a new name when I married Mr. Wonderful (Mr. Robinson). After two years, I feel good about my decision still. Yet, I have remained flexible and the name has been fluid in many ways. When my friends of my children speak to me, they often call me Mrs - (the last name of my children). I don't correct them, I just accept the association. Sometimes teachers make the same mistake - no biggie. Sometimes greater clarity is needed, but most often it has all worked out for us.
What would you choose? Have you needed to make this decision? Do you have a different last name from anyone in your family? What does a name mean to you?
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