Another woman once lived in the place I now call home and her children still reside in this space with its memories. There was once a woman who hung her clothes in the place where mine now hang and I don't know if she was neater or more organized than me? Sometimes I am jealous of the memories and history that my husband has of a previous life. She got to choose the cabinets, the paint colors and tile where I live. They are not the ones I would have chosen.
Learning to live together has gone smoothly, with no big surprises. We have both lived with a spouse before. There is an ease to our patterns that is pleasant and welcome. Our rhythms are more synchronized that what I experienced before and it has been enjoyable to have a companion in the morning and evening routines.
My husband does dishes. Often. He makes me coffee in the mornings. I love his little gestures of care. I have never felt so genuinely cared for. He considers me in his decisions, he is proactive about keeping our home in good condition, he is diligent at work and church. I have not experienced this before and I wonder if the first Mrs. Robinson recognized these wonderful gifts?
Here's something that has surprised me, when I feel envious of Mr. Wonderful's past, I remind myself that his past is part of what makes him so wonderful! He has learned many of the relationship skills that make it such a joy to live with him. He has been faithful for many years in good and difficult circumstances. He has a proven track record of family life. Sometimes this makes me sad or jealous, but I'm learning to let that make me feel grateful! I'm reaping the rewards and loving it!
Have dealt with 'ghosts' from a previous relationship? Are you surprised when things pop up to remind you that you're not the first woman your man has loved? Any other sage words today?
All very understandable....still you are so blessed to have a new life long partner...someone to love and be loved by....companionship...and on and on....Keep being happy and let all the rest go about his past...If you win the lottery ...you can move and have a home that is new to you both and that would be great...but in the meantime...many many women would trade places with you Missy.....Ciao from Louisahere.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteOh yes, the benefits far outweigh the past, the weird parts, the insecurities. But I didn't want to ignore them. Thanks - we dream of winning the lotto!
DeleteOh do I ever get that. You are amazing for moving right in and pushing past those jealousy pangs. I admire that awesome spirit! SO happy for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the jealousy pangs only emerge every now and then...and I have the reality tools to keep them in check! Thanks!
DeleteMy husband and I have been together 15 years and I had a girlfriend over cooking together and when I pulled out a pyrex she mentioned that she wanted some like mine and it reminded me that they were the previous wife's set. I instantly had a moment of jealousy even after all these years and then I stopped and thought would I trade it and be the first. No, he learned from that marriage and in my eyes has been a better husband than I think he might have been otherwise. He has also admitted that due to going through a divorce and dealing with child support and custody issues etc that he was more thoughtful regarding that when going into our marriage and plans for kids. I love reading all your updates and hope that your transition continues to go smoothly.
ReplyDeleteAngie, that is a fabulous analogy and I'll be certain to remember it when I'm feeling cranky. No, I wouldn't choose to take her place and I'm quite certain Mr. Wonderful is better for me because of what he learned then. Thank you for the encouragement!
DeleteI am so glad I stumbled upon your blog. I have been reading your posts. I am also in a second marriage. Sometimes I feel cheated in a way because there will be firsts that my husband and I will not experience together because they've been done before. Also, his first marriage took drained him financially and left him with another home that we are paying the mortgage for , so when it came time for us to purchase a home together, we had to find a home that was not too expensive. The cost of the other home is twice what we pay for ours. Also, I am reminded that they way he looks at me at some point he looked at another that way before me. My first marriage was bad. I have no fond memories.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you commented - there are so many more things to think about and discuss about being "Second..." It's nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Keep sharing and reading. I'm sorry that you feel cheated in your home - I do, too. Hugs to you!
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