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Friday, September 22, 2017

A Note to the Suddenly Separated

I am so sorry for the turmoil that brought you to this place of separation.  I have been where you are and I know it’s bad.  But you are going to live through it.  I don’t know the circumstances that lead you to separating from you husband – whether it was his choice, yours, or mutual – and I don’t need to know unless you need to share.  In that case, I will be understanding and confidential.



I remember when my husband and I separated, it was one of the most challenging times of my life.  The grief was crippling and almost overwhelmed me.  You may feel this way, too:

  • You are disoriented.  What of the past is real?  You will doubt your own judgement and view all your past shared experiences through the lens of what is happening now.  Eventually, you will readjust your perspective and be able to accept what you didn’t know or couldn’t comprehend then.
  • There is no immediate resolution.  This marriage may be healed and reconciliation may mean this is just a season in the overall story of your life.  The union may dissolve and forever change the trajectory of your path.  You just don’t know, cannot know, and the uncertainty is terrifying.  In the middle of this unknown outcome is where you will learn to truly live in the moment.
  • All of the sudden, every decision feels huge.  Every single choice feels like one that will have enormous ramifications and it is just overwhelming.  Slow down.  You don’t have to make life changing decisions while in the middle of such strong emotions.  Let yourself process truth, consider consequences and make wise decision.  Avoid reactions and focus on intention.
  • Your instinct is to isolate and harden your heart against anything that might hurt you or offer false hope.  It’s natural to become cynical, yet you must fight that tendency if you desire to be open to joy.  When you numb yourself to the hard parts of life, you are also numb to the wonder and goodness.  A frozen heart may feel safe, but it will never satisfy.  For a moment, feeling frozen is a blessing but for the long term, it will just leave you cold.  Find safe people who can be supportive during this time.
In the middle of all the turmoil and upheaval that can be hard to make sense of, I want you to remember two things:

Don’t worry about normal.  You are in a season of transition.  Embrace that.  Whatever the outcome of your current circumstance, your life will be forever changed.  This is not a bad thing, even though it can be frightening.  Change is what moves us forward.  Let go of the pressure to solve this right now and rest in the fact that you are becoming more of who you are created to be, even in this.  Trust the process.  Trust yourself.

You are not alone.  I am praying that God reminds you of all the ways He is with you and goes before you in this season.  It’s so hard, but things will get better.  Good things can come from this season only if you keep moving toward the future, even when you don’t know what that looks like.  Choose the next best thing for today and trust God to reveal when He knows that you’re ready for more.  

Dear friend who is newly separated, you're on my mind and in my heart.