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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

How's Your Radar?

While they were here visiting, my mother and had lots of time to talk.  One of the topics was about why I made decisions that I did during my early adult-hood and such.  Clearly my 'radar' wasn't working for disfunctional relationships and the red flags that may have saved me from pain and difficulty.  When I saw an article about "Filtering Relationships," I so wished I could have learn these things earlier in life. 

But it also got me thinking about what other kinds of people I have learned to filter out of close relationships.  The author, Donald Miller, identifies false victims, bullies and overly religious.  I would add
  • Takers and Overly Needy
  • Self-Centered and Indulgent
  • Mean Spirited
  • Controllers  

Miller continues with, "All of this may sound calloused, but as we get older, we realize there are people in the world who refuse to mature. Maturity means we are honest, safe and transparent. A mature person understands their faults and admits to them. An immature person is looking for power in some kind of game.  If you want to be mature, surround yourself by mature people.  Am I being unkind, leaving people behind? Perhaps. But being left behind was their decision. If a person wants to lie, make fun of others or not deal with their own depravity, they need to spend some time alone until they can learn to grow up."

He cites the book Safe People and I would add Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  Maturing to the place where I have freedom to determine the kind of people in my circle has been an important growth pattern of my last decade.  I hope that my filter continues to sharpen gracefully.

What types of people would you add to the list?  Do you find it challenging to intentionally eliminate people from your close circle?  I do sometimes, but I'm getting over that.


  1. Especially if you happen to share parenthood of children together...very difficult!

  2. Agreed. What if you don't have a choice as to who is in "your" circle?

  3. I totally eliminate people from my life, as much as I possibly can! Sometimes I feel bad about it because they're not bad people, but I just can't have anyone too close to me that attempts to bring me down. I have enough people that don't that it's hardly worth it.

  4. My radar is pretty darn sharp, however, my radar hasn't been my problem. My problem has always been finding the strength and courage to turn away from or excluding from my life those unworthy of being there.

  5. Interesting. My ex is very much a false victim and sure enough in his eyes I became his "oppressor" guess I hoped he would change, found out the hard way that was not the case. I love your blog...thanks for being so open and honest.