Co-Parenting Compromises

You've got to make it work, no matter how bitter was the end of your relationship.  Somehow you and your babies' Daddy have to work together, communicate and provide consistency for the children.  To that end, compromise will be necessary and so it is necessary to choose your battles.
There are little things that my Ex does which I would not choose and rather annoy me, but they are not causing harm to my children and I cannot control the issue.  Trying to monitor or enforce my will on the situation would only create conflict and a more antangonistic relationship.  It would not benefit the children in this case for me to 'get my way.'

So, if my children come home excited that they got to sleep in their day clothes, I cringe inwardly, but let it go.  However, if they explain they don't brush their teeth because there isn't time, I express to my ex the priority of them learning proper hygiene and it must come from both parents. 

Here is a filter through which I try to discern whether addressing a situation is necessary:

• Is this (whatever this happens to be at the moment) something that happens often, or it is a one-time thing?
• How does my child feel about it?
• What message is this communicating to them?
• Is this a matter of principle or a personal preference?
• Do I actually have a say on the issue?

There are lots of things I hear once or twice and dislike, but I know that I'm not perfect either and sometimes things just get crazy with three children.  If they skip brushing their teeth one night, all will survive.  However, when it happens everytime or they aren't given the option, it's necessary to confront the co-parent and find a way to work toward common goal.  I know Daddy doesn't want them to have rotten teeth, he needs to remember the priority.  I could sense that my older two were especially aware that this was something they were supposed to do, and unable.  It doesn't need to be spoken that this was a matter of principle and not personal preference - it mattered for the hygiene and the message that self-care is important.  And while it might not seem that I have a say on the issue, I do.  I know that if my ex consistently ingored the basic hygiene of my children, I would have to take steps that insured they were not with him when they needed the care.  In other words, his visitation schedule would have to change.  He doesn't want that, so I do have a say in the matter.

Another thing that might make me cringe is the state of my daughter's hair while she is with Daddy.  She has beautifully long hair which is thin and wispy.  I keep it neatly brushed and pulled away from her face.  While she is with Daddy, it is left to hang free, just long and everywhere.  She looks unkept in my opinon.  However, I know that in just a few years she will be able to do her own hair, in fact I've already started teaching her to put on her own headband.  I know that ex has no interest in learning to properly pull her hair back and that there is little I can do to enforce my wishes.  So, I have to let this one go.  It's not what I would choose, but it isn't worth the battle.

There are lots of preferences I'm sure he would change in my parenting style, too.  Yet we're learning to allow the other to have freedom in the preferences.  He calls when something concerns him and I do the same.  By not bringing up every issue, the important ones can be dealt with.

I can think of so many small and large situations that I've had to determine to either suck up and let go, or confront and insist on change.  It's part of the ongoing dance.  Does anyone else deal with this?

Choices & Adjustments

I still get a physical calendar for each year.  The blank pages woo me to be strategic and organized and intentional.  Then life gets so busy, the real schedules demand more than I can give and many of my grand plans get lost in the shuffle.  It's hard to remember that for all the activities I add, something must be removed - even if it's just downtime or 'me' time. 

Extra-curricular activities are in full swing, church commitments require more time and of course my oh-so-wonderful (but-oh-so-consuming) relationship needs reciprocal investment.  So, other things are falling through the cracks: mainly housework, self-care and even time in spiritual growth.  What I'm realizing is that I can handle the incrased demand for a couple of weeks, but now it's catching up to me.  

Life is full of adjustments.  This season of single parenting is certainly a busy one and so I'm adjusting to our current needs.  Here's what's not working:

• Housework - our little house is messy and cluttered.  It's stressful to me and to the kiddos (even though they don't realize it.
• Wardrobes - two of my children are between sizes and have two sets of clothing in their closets and drawers which are too tightly packed to be functional.
• School - While the homework routine is going exceptionally well, I feel out of touch with teachers and what's happening there.
• Self - Care - I've been doing great at working out/moving more, but then I feel frazzed with needing to shower and get ready two times per day.  Plus I have been neglecting my own space which has become overrun with piles and stacks.

Well, I have no magical solutions, but writing out the list helps me know what needs to be worked on.  This weekend I plan to try and catch up and be more proactive.  Then I can determine which adjustments need to be made. 

Let me know if you're adjusting to anything as the calendar turns over.  It sure is part of life. 

Thank you to all the new followers.  I hope you get involved and share!

Moody Monday

It's dreary and raining and I had to wait extra long in the car drop this morning after an extra-early carpool pick up day.  I had one more stop to drop my sweet baby off with his caretaker and then I was still on par to make it to my office on time ... until the traffic completely jammed with just over two miles to work.  I was twenty-five minutes late.

Nevertheless, I'm in a great mood!  I had a very productive weekend and have started with most of the laundry done, groceries in the kitchen and all the living room put back in order.  Yes, there are still boxes of Christmas decor in the dining area, but I'll get to that later today.  It was a full Saturday and Sunday but the effort is rewarded with work accomplished and I even managed a brief Sunday afternoon nap.  Success.

Thank you for reading.  I very much appreciate all the encouragement!

What it feels like to date again....

It feels a little raw - wonderful, but dangerous.

photo source: happylittleart.blogspot.com

I underestimated the intensity I would feel, and the desire.  I forgot what it was like to be pursued (it's wonderful).  The insecurities that I bear shouldn't have surprised me, but they do and at times I feel weak in my neediness. Hopefully, my insecurities are not projected onto my guy - he does not need to bear the burden from my previous relationship woes.  The sheer logistics of a more established life make getting together more complicated.

At the beginning, I held back a little.  Okay, I held back a lot and I still find myself fighting that impulse.  The good thing is that now I recognize it and usually choose to do the opposite: I call him.  Reach out to him.  Share something.  Make myself vulnerable.

Complicated.  Vulnerable.  Incredible.  Hopeful.  Inspiring. 

Yet finding companionship and passion with another human has reminded me how much I crave it.   I have a great capacity for love, to give and to share, to support, laugh, play and dream with another person.  I have found that in my guy which delights me to no end, makes me feel giddy like a young girl.

The man I have discovered is different from what I thought I might find in this season of life.  He is all the standard things any woman would want: responsible, moral, kind, charming.  He meets every item I needed on my "list."  You have a list, right?  I think it's important to have a short list of bottom-line necessities that you know you need in a partner.  There are many things I want and so many more that I didn't even know ask for.  My man is not perfect, yet the imperfections allow me to be flawed, too. 
And we all are so flawed. 

Now I find myself balanced precariously in this place of hope and basking, to doubting he could feel the same.  I am cautious to keep my emotions based on me and not give that power to another person as I did in the past when I let my ex determine how I felt.  But to care what someone feels and thinks does give that person a measure of power, and it feels so risky.  I'm taking the risk, but I wish I knew how the story ended!

It would have been easier to wrap my heart in a protective shell and never risk getting hurt again.  Now I know I wouldn't miss this moment for anything.  Whether for now or for always, I'm thankful for the chance to connect with someone in so many ways. 

Has anyone else taken a recent risk?  Do you have a 'list' for what you need in a partner?  Is there really such thing as a second chance in life and love? Do share!

January 1, 2012

source: http://pinterest.com/pin/703756161292400/   

My sister and like the sound of 2012...it has a nice ring to it and I'm hopeful for a good year.  I have no idea what it could hold and I'm not willing to make predictions.  I have some hopes and dreams, but I'm keeping them to myself for now.

Wisdom was my 'word' for the year last year and while I don't really feel wiser, I do feel like I think things out more before acting.  I read Proverbs 1 today because it's become such a habit to read the corresponding day to the chapter.   I plan to add reading a chapter of James weekday now.

Last year involved a lot of internal pondering and I feel like this year will need some outward changes.  The house is for sale, a new job may be needed.  Much as I hate it, change may be in order.  I can handle it.  I've worked hard and come so far, grown in ways I never thought I needed or could!  All the while my little ones seem more secure and content than ever, they are part of a community that supports us greatly.

I am working hard to create a life that will please God, bring me joy, and help others to be wholly their best selves possible.  I never thought so much fulfillment could be found after such messes and yet it's there!  Letting go of the dreams I wanted has opened the door to a much better reality.

I can't wait to share the journey with anyone else who reads.  Do you think about the passage of time with the  changing of the calendar?  Is there anything you sense needs changing in your life?  Do you need to let something go to make space for something better?

The Year Is Almost Gone

I am amazed that 2011 is coming to a close.  I believe I will remember this year fondly...there have been a lot of firsts and and lots of fun. Christmas was a sweet time, things went fairly smoothly with the ex and the kiddos seemed to have an easy time with the switcheroo.  It's never fun to send them off, especially on a holiday.  Still my own evening was relaxing and fun.  Now we're visiting distant family and I'm just exhausted from trying to cram too much into too little time.

I haven't had much time to think about 2012 - I know there are some things I hope to leave in the past, I know there are some things I hope to add.  I know there are lots more that I haven't had time to think about yet.  I feel like it's time to get serious about what I want for me.  No more excuses, 2012 needs to be a year of action.

My "one word" for 2011 was Wisdom.  I can't say I've gained much, yet the awareness helps me be more intentional.  I'm thinking over some words for 2012.  It will probably be mid-January before I've settled on one.

I'm okay with that.

Liebster Award - What are we talking about?

Shelby of the Working Moms Blog has encouraged me in my posting for some time and recently honored me with The Liebster Award.  I admit, I had to figure out exactly what that meant ... and it pleased me so much to be nominated by another blogger!

Here is the explanation according to her site:

The Liebster award originated in Germany. (The word “Liebster” is a term of endearment; “beloved person.”) The aim of the award is to bring attention to blogs with fewer than 200 followers.

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These are the rules for accepting the award:
1. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.

2.. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Post the award on your blog.
4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the internet – other writers.
5. And best of all – have fun and spread the Karma!
6. Right click on the award image to save it to your computer and then upload to your blog!

 In accepting, I get to pass along the recognition:

It's All About Balance - April is fantastic and I consider her among my bloggy BFF's
Lemongrass - Vanessa is a gem, and an early encourager
Postcards From a Peaceful Divorce - oh to have this kind of grace
Giving Up on Perfect - Mary is my hero because she tells it like it is
Creative Little House - Julie is a childhood friend-turned-blogger: way to go Jules!