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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

My Little Girl Dreams

I often wonder how the dreams
of my own little girl will turn out.
We all do it. As little girls we dream about our life as a woman.  I would be a wife and mother, my home would be cozy and often filled with guests.  My husband would be thoughtful and engaging, respected in the community and ever-so-handsome.  And it would be perfect.  It really would.  I mean, as long as I followed the rules and made good choices all would be well. 

And so began my performance.  My need to control the outcome was great because I perceived it as a reflection of my own worthiness.  But all my striving could not produce the desired dream.

I crafted a life that I thought would fulfill my dream: a handsome man with prestigious ambitions, a comfortable home which I could fill with pretty things and well-behaved children.  And it looked good for a while.  But the whole time, I knew it was an illusion.  I knew the handsome man battled demons and our relationship was weak.  I knew the fa├žade we presented to others didn't hold up when were alone.  The hope for children was met with the despair of miscarriages and infertility.  The desire for a loving marriage turned into disappointment and the feeling I would never be enough: not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not good enough. 

I truly did believe my little girl dreams were just that, dreams from another time.  I accepted so much less than I had hoped for because the dream no longer seemed possible.  I shriveled and didn't let people get close enough to see my disappointment.  I withered and forgot what it was like to dream.

But one day,  I could no longer keep up the show. The actions of my then-husband brought others into our marriage and it was necessary to bring light into the darkness of our home.  I cannot describe the devastation of betrayal, the consequences of living in isolation and how admitting the dream was gone evoked enormous loss.  On that day, I knew my story would never be what I once dreamed. 

Everything had changed.


  1. "As long as I followed the rules..." I think that is one of the biggest, hardest fairy tales of all. Thank you for sharing this with us!

  2. Absolutely, the thought that I could perform my way to achievement is a tough concept to move beyond. Thank you for reading!

  3. Dreams are hard to give up! Learning to surrender those dreams to God is not easy, but it is so very freeing! We learn and we grow . . . .

    1. Surrender - isn't it the great lesson of our lifetime? Thank you for sharing, E!